Friday, May 23, 2008

Attack of the Drones

In advance of the long Memorial Day weekend (check local listings and if you’re in another country than the U.S. it’s a day where we celebrate our Veterans by starting the Summer with cookouts and not working. No, it doesn’t make sense, but since we get to slack off from work, we’re not asking many questions), I submit this cautionary tale.

In Wales, a man dressed like Darth Vader attacked the founders of the Jedi Church.

I really can’t find fault with that. I mean if you’re going to dress like Darth Vader and you run into some Jedi, you sure as hell better attack them. Even if you haven’t been given Order 66.

Now a couple of things about this story and the attack.

First, Darth didn’t have a lightsaber. He used a metal crutch. So was he limping around dressed up like DV and just happened upon the Jedi’s or what? Or did he see the Jedis and grab the first thing that came to hand? And you know he summoned that crutch to him with his telekinetic powers. Do you think he did the whole kettle drum march noise before he attacked? I like to do that when I'm on my way to a lame meeting.

Second, Darth may not exactly be one of life’s winners. His cape was made out of a garbage bag. Jeez, I had a better cape than that when I was Batman. No, not last night when the Wife and I played Superhero and Damsel in Distress. It was when I was 10. As far as you know.

Third, Darth was busted when the Jedi caught him on camera beating their ass with a metal crutch. A camera they had set up to record their light saber battle. Man, if you’re a Jedi with a light saber and a garbage bag wearing Sith attacks you with only a crutch and you can’t handle him, you might want to consider a little more training from the Jedi Council. Seriously, these geeks were going to pull their own Star Wars kid and record their “battle.” Sounds to me like they deserved to get a little crutch whupping from the Dark Side. I wonder if they find my lack of faith in the Jedi Church disturbing? If they do, they should go ahead and choke me with their mind powers. I’ll use my faith in their dorkitude to block their powers.

Fourth, Darth conveniently didn’t remember attacking the Jedi because he had drank “the better part of a 10 liter box of wine.” This is probably some Sith code for “mind probe” or maybe it’s just a Jedi Mind Trick.

But seriously, kids, there is a moral to this story:

If you drink a box a wine and then put your Darth Vader costume on and find a garbage bag and go wandering around the neighborhood with your crutch/lightsaber looking for Jedi to beat up, make sure there aren’t any cameras around.

In my neighborhood we just call that Saturday. You box drinking winos know who you are. Be safe. And use a blaster and take some Stormtroopers next time.


heartinhand said...

Considering I'm a box wino, I'm grateful that I polished mine off last night and that the only available costume that actually fits is this old pirate costume. (The sword has long ago been broken!)

I feel like I've really dodged a bullet! That whole "There but for the grace of god go I" thing.

kris said...

Box drinking winos don't really exist. Like Bigfoot and multiple male orgasms.