It's that time of the year. It's your deity-given right, duty and obligation to go out and consume the pablum that is the Summer Movie Season. Get out there and consume the swill that Hollyweird foists off on us. Otherwise, we're going to be stuck with a bunch of movies that no one saw for our Oscar nominations. You know, like every year.
Come on. It's not too much to ask. These celebs give us so much. They graciously receive adulation, money and awards and all they ask in return is that we ignore their craziness, sociopathic behavior, telling us what to do and their lack of talent. Where else would we get our media distractions from if not Hollywood? We can't have runaway brides and shark attacks every day you know.
So get out there and make sure you see all these movies no matter what you think of them. If you don't, things like video games that make half a billion dollars in a week will get forced down our throat. So put that in your Rimowa bag and smoke it.
Without further digression, here is your Guide to the Summer Blockbusters:
IronMan: The biopic of Ozzy Osbourne has been surprisingly well received despite Clive Owen in the titular role. Luckily, it’s subtitled so moviegoers can understand Clive’s/Ozzy’s dialogue.
Speed Racer: The biopic of AJ Foyt has been less successful commercially. This may be due to his animated series in the 60’s not featuring a chimp but actually being drawn by chimps. And the chimps wrote better dialogue.
Chronicles of Narnia: This time Riddick returns to the Dark Planet with Judy Dench in tow and fights crime while taking care of a family in the witness protection program. Soon to be a ride at Disney.
Indiana Jones and the Last Chance to Cash In: In the fourth and final movie in the trilogy, Indiana is denied Medicare benefits and has to go to Canada to seek low cost prescriptions. Features the debut of Shia Le Pew as Indiana’s pet skunk/comic relief.
Sex in the Suburbs: What a novel idea! A follow up to the wildly successful HBO series. Yes, we’re talking to you David Chase. Unfortunately in the sequel, all the characters just drive minivans, get their nails done, go to lunch and don’t have sex. You know, like the real suburbs.
The Dark Knight: In this sequel to Black Knight, Martin Lawrence again returns to Arthurian England as a comical rapscallion who discovered honor whilst seeking bootay. Sure to be jam packed with fart jokes and Martin dressed as a woman in an least 3 scenes.
Get Smart: This features Steve Carrell in the role of Algernon who has an experimental surgery that turns him from a mental incompetent into a genius and then back into a political candidate.
Mamma Mia: The pageantry of the movies combined with the magic of ABBA. Yes, breeders are allowed to attend. Tickets are half off with a receipt from The Olive Garden.
X-Files: I Want to Believe that Gillian Anderson is still hot, Duchovny is still funny and this time the plot is comprehensible. Trust No Sony Critics.
Kung Fu Panda: Jack Black in animated fare. Lots of stoner jokes are sure to go over the heads of the kids you bring to this escapist fare. At least you hope they don’t get the jokes and then explain them to you. “No, Dad. That’s not a blunt that’s a spliff. Jeez.”
The Happening: M. Night Shamalamadingdong’s latest attempt to make anything even half as good as The Sixth Sense. Yes, he fails miserably. Again.
Hellboy 2: In the sequel to Hellboy, Ray Walston reprises his role as Jack Scratch. In the sequel, Jack makes a pact with Kenny Rogers for the Tigers to win the World Series and Kenny not to stink this year. Clearly, this is a fantasy movie.
Oh, and these all have lame videogames based upon the lame movies as well. It's also your obligation to buy these as well or the General Election will be pushed back a year.