Friday, May 09, 2008

Pour Some Sugar On Me

America's Britain's Sweetheart, Madonna has announced her upcoming tour to promote her latest coaster album, Hard Candy. It's the Sweet & Sticky tour. And because she's really from Bay City, Michigan, Madge is conveniently blowing off Motown so as to avoid that awkward moment with her father after the show when she simulates sex with a cross. I'm just kidding. That sex during the show isn't simulated.

In addition to opening schools ala the Queen of All Media, Madge is also unsuccessfully trying some old trix in an effort to generate a little buzz for her album. Sorry, but we liked it when you kissed Brittney a lot more. What the hell happened to you two?

Whatev. Sweet & Sticky just doesn't really shout, "Come and buy some damn tickets, will you already?" This reporter couldn't let sleeping backup dancer lie, so with a little digging here are the Rejected Names for Madonna's Tour. Get it? These are the names she's not using to go with Sticky & Sweet. All right, I'll quit beating the set up.

Rejected Names for Madonna's Tour
  • Old & Bitter
  • Lame & Culturally Irrelevant
  • Scary & Exhibitionistic
  • Itchy & Scratchy
  • Pointy & Scary
  • Pretentious & Faux
  • Desperately Seeking Relevance
  • Dyed & Bi-Curious
  • Bitchy & Soon-To-Be-Single-Again
  • Cranky & Dominating
  • Flashing & But-Still-Writing-For-Kids
  • Bad Acting & Unemployed

Oh, Ms. Ciccone, we kid because we care. As far as you know.

Hey, you know who'll be the biggest fan of the tour? Guy Ritchie. He'll finally have some quiet time to get working on that Swept Away sequel.

Wow, it's been a weird week. Posts on women, sex, baseball and now making fun of Madonna. There's a little something for everything to hate this week. Have a good weekend, kids.

Now take of that wedding dress, turn that racket down and quit rolling around on the floor like some kind of crazy person. Sit up straight and quit embarrassing your Mother. For pete's sake. Sorry, just practicing for brunch this Sunday.


GreenCanary said...

"Itchy & Scratchy." *laughing*

t2ed said...

Canary, and that's just what her former lovers wind up doing.

sir kris a lot said...

Somebody sounds a little bitter that his fave material girl left the Detroit nest. Get over it. You still have the Lions.

Ashley said...

there is something really weird/wrong about a 50 year old in a leather dominatrix outfit.

if my mom showed up wearing one of those things, i think i would never stop throwing up. poor lourdes and the other kid...whats his name?