Ghost In The Machine

Dear Senator Specter:

Thank you for your continued obsession concern with the New England Patriots and their alleged cheating by videotaping opposing teams. I'm sure this concern is not fueled by any rancor to the team that kept your home state's Pittsburgh Steelers from the Super Bowl in 2005 or that the Philadelphia Eagles lost that same Super Bowl to the Patriots. No, I'm certain you are only concerned about the welfare and integrity of the NFL. If the billionaire owners of the teams didn't have you looking out for their best interests, they probably wouldn't even be able to get their draft televised. Yes, the same draft that had the lowest ratings ever yet still outdrew the NBA playoffs.


I will admit that it is with some trepidation that I reviewed your comments that we should have an "objective investigation" much in the same vein as the Mitchell Report regarding steroids in baseball to investigate taping in football. And while estimates of the cost of the Mitchell Report put it at upward of 20 million dollars, maybe this time and money could be better spent investigating some other issues. Moreover, as you are still battling health issues, your time and leadership are very precious. Toward that end, I would respectfully submit that the interest of the public of the United States, the same public who votes in elections, would be better served if you would be able to investigate some, if not all, of the following issues:

• the price of gas
• Bigfoot
• a list of best diet pills
• why there is no flying car
• why there is no car that folds up into a briefcase
• why there is no flying car that folds up into a briefcase
• the location of Amelia Earhart
• why the Detroit Lions suck
• no cure for cancer (you may wish to move this to the top of the list)
• payola in the record industry
• payola in the film industry
• global warming
• an overly complicated tax code
• no universal health care
• why Kobe Bryant gets so many foul shots
• the increased media coverage of shark attacks
• immigration reform
• why the Big Ten conference has 11 teams
• why Chinese restaurants serve sushi rolls and Thai food
• why the Detroit Tigers suck this year
• why Canada is giving us their quarters that are unusable in our vending machines
• why New Kids on the Block were allowed to reunite
• why the Spice Girls were allowed to reunite
• who were clients 1 through 8
• why there is still no Aquaman movie
• why bacon is being rationed and only distributed in restaurants two pieces at a time
• why rice is being rationed
• why you are named after a fictional terrorist organization

I will grant you that these issues seem somewhat larger than the issue of football teams in Pennsylvania who are unable to beat the Patriots. But I would hope that you would also grant me some degree of relief from a news story that ended in September of last year when the NFL assessed its penalties.

Please let me know where and how many times I should vote for you in the event that you are able to address these issues.