Tuesday, May 20, 2008

I Can't Drive 55

So, I'm enjoying the commute from hell this morning. Accident on the freeway, all the lanes blocked. No blood on the highway for the rubberneckers. I'm lucky enough to be in the right lane and by driving on two wheels on the shoulder (hey, you learn a lot from James Bond movies), I'm able to escape freeway hell and take surface streets.

As I'm waiting at a light, it turns green and the car in front of me doesn't move for a good three seconds. I give a short blast on the horn. Not the asshole blast, but just a lil beep to say, "C'mon, dude."


So I give the longer blast. "Hey, buddy, I'm driving here."

Still nothing. And at this particular intersection, there's no left turn lane or right turn lane for me to just go around him.

So now he gets the full jerk horn. "Asshat! Move that piece of crap Ford Fairlane before I jam kitchen faucets where the sun doesn't shine."

Still no go.

By this time the light has changed back to red and we're stuck for another cycle. So I put the Batmobile into park and get out of my car to check on the guy. You never know, you know.

As I look in his window, I see that he's asleep. Not some drunk sitting through the light asleep, but a fully dressed with a coat and tie for work asleep. I pound on the window to scare the hell out of him and yell, "Sleepy, the rest of the dwarves need you in the mine!" I thought that was pretty good for as pissed as I was.

He was so frightened, he ran through the red light to get out of there. But I'm pretty sure that burst of adrenaline from waking up like that probably kept him up the rest of the way to work. He didn't even thank me. Man, the poor manners of some people.

So the moral of the story is: Make sure you don't fall asleep in your car or some helpful sort will give you a surprising little burst of energy today.


kris said...

I'm glad to hear there wasn't a gaggle of schoolchildren crossing in front of his car. You would have felt like a real ass then.

Anonymous said...

Who falls so fast asleep at a traffic light that the sound of a horn doesn't wake them up? Jeez. I suppose the other moral of the story is that if you are going to sleep while driving, you should at least put your hearing aid in.

Anonymous said...


What a classic story! Maybe the guy was narcoleptic.

dunebuggy said...

This can't be true! This is the funniest thing I've read in ages.

My favorite part "Sleepy, the rest of the dwarves need you in the mine!" This will keep me giggling for days.

Good luck in commuter Hell.

Dani said...

Dude. I was totally in that traffic, but I toughed it out and stayed on the f-way of doom. I'm new to the whole commuting thing, just moved from about 2 seconds from my job to about 30 minutes from my job (and some mornings...longer...much longer).

For the record... if I'm ever asleep at the wheel... let me rest for Christ sake. Trust - you don't want to wake me up like that. :-)

Kim said...

Would it have killed you to let him sleep through just a couple more lights?