Friday, May 02, 2008

God Bless America

If you haven't heard, America got a new import the other day. Yes, Pam Anderson is finally an American Citizen. I'm very certain that Pam has very special skills that uniquely qualify her for work in this country. At least ever since she got that acne treatment, the dye job and those gravity-defying implants.

A lot people are wondering, "Why now?" After all that she has accomplished in her distinguished whoring acting career, why become an American.

Luckily, after going through Pambo's garbage and watching a certain video with a certain former member of Motley Crue many, many, many times, I know the real reason Pam decided to go red, white and blown.

10) Hockey games were just too darn cold for flashing
9) All her social diseases now count against US data
8) Implants recently became elective under Canadian socialized medicine
7) Fleeing notoriety after VIP got syndicated in Ontario
6) She thought becoming a citizen also meant she got a free watch
5) Complicated Canadian legal system does not allow two month marriages
4) Train wreck reality series only offered to American sluts thank you very much
3) She thought "lobbying Congress" for animal rights meant doing it in a hotel lobby
2) Appreciates tough US anti-piracy laws after 3 copies of Barb Wire were downloaded illegally
1) Her vote now counts as much as yours

Oh, Pambo. I kid because I care. I'm sure despite your busy schedule you'll be able to get in two more hastily-arranged marriage and divorces before the year is over. Welcome to our melting pot, Pam. I just hope someone explains to her what "blowing stuff up" means before July 4th. This could go horribly wrong if she gets her hands on a roman candle.

And in true White Trash America fashion, Pam is having a garage sale this weekend. Ah, the garage sale. Where people come to buy things that other people are too lazy to just throw away.
Someone please get down to the 'Bu for me and buy that sweet bike that was obviously Pam's! Sure the rear tire looks a little flat, but can you imagine owning Pam Anderson's bike seat? You're going to want to have that deloused before you use it. You may just want to go ahead and have it sealed in one of those Hazmat containment devices just to be on the same side. How cool/scary would it be to own some of Pam Anderson's "beautiful old linens?" I wonder which wedding that's a gift from. Yeah, if you're still buying Pam wedding presents, you're probably smart enough to be keeping your receipts by now.

Now, I've got to start driving so I can get to SoCal in time to bid on Pam's copy of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. You know she loves any game that involves eating balls.

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