Bacon-wrapped turkey? Sign me up, pardner. I was planning on draining my checking account to spring for a turducken, but this sounds even better. Almost as good as bacon-flavored toothpaste.
I'm pretty excited about the upcoming traditional pranks:
- Zip a turkey neck in your fly while you greet guests at the door and pretend your hooha is on display. Bonus points if you're female.
- Sneak a hard boiled egg inside a the Cornish game hen inside the turkey to freak out the right-to-lifers at your table.
- Slip an open can of cream of mushroom soup before making retching sounds after the meal. Make sure you moan something about "too much pie" before leaning over and spilling it on the floor. Extra points if you can get a co-conspirator to grab a spoon and start lapping it up ala The Great Santini.
- Set the TIVO up to play the finale of the 1980 Detroit Lions v. Chicago Bears Thanksgiving Day game instead of the real game. When the Lions allow the overtime opening kickoff to be returned for a touchdown see how many men actually cry. At least a 21 second overtime loss didn't allow the food to get cold.
- Lock the doors when everyone goes outside to throw the football around at half time.
- Place the bird on the table and loudly announce that no one will be able to tell this is Tofurkey.
- Duct tape Uncle Earl in his chair when he falls asleep during the game. Bonus points for putting the bottle of JD just out of reach.
- Make a big deal out of insisting you be allowed to do the dishes after the meal. While everyone is out of the kitchen, just leave.
- Make the youngest sibling (even if he's 42 and has kids) sit at a card table with the other children.
- Carefully extend your pinky when you drink gravy from a glass.
- No matter who prepared the meal grouse about it's not as good as Mom's. This is especially amusing if Mom actually prepared the meal.
- Loosen your belt as soon as you sit down at the table.
- Two words: whoopee cushions
- Insist on being allowed to carve the turkey. Grab the largest knife and go after it like Janet Leigh is in the shower. Swear that's how turkey is served in all the fancy restaurants.
- During the meal, loudly ask if you can go to the bathroom. Then say, "Oops, too late." Bonus points for wearing an eye patch.