You Talking About My Sister?

In Australia (where women blow and men wonder), Santa Clauses (hope I didn't ruin anything there for you, Virginia) have been told to say, "Ha, ha, ha" so as not to be offensive to women. That's funny, I didn't know the Rutgers Women's Basketball team even played in Sydney.

But seriously, how stupid is this? Are a lot of women strolling by the department store Santa and hear his belly laugh and get offended? I thought people got offended because Santa drank or got a little too fresh while you were on his lap.

I saw the Santa at our mall the other day. Because I was on a break during lunch, he was just standing around his little compound looking bored. It's not like he can really take a break in the Food Court or grab some wings from Ruby Tuesday's because he'd get that sauce all over his beard. Luckily, because there were no urchins kids around, I was able to sneak right in and tell him what I wanted.

• World Peace
• Better Housing Market
• Some Underwear for Brittney
• Some Therapy for Amy
• A Chrysler 300 accessory
• Itchy Crewneck Sweaters (which I'm going to get anyway)
• the Simpsons nativity scene
• the Shrek Xmas Special
• an end to the Writer's Strike so I can see Dave again
• the college football season to end so all those poor Notre Dame fans can finally get some relief from their torment
• Parrot Trooper to make it into syndication
• a car mounted laser for the slow moving mini-vans that have Nascar stickers
• the Christina Aguilera Christmas Album
• those calf implants I've been saving up for
• finally getting on Larry David's Christmas Card list

Who am I kidding? I'll probably get coal just like last year. Luckily, with the current run up in the commodities market, I was able to make a bundle. Thank you China and your insatiable demand for energy.