Thursday, November 15, 2007

You Talking About My Sister?

In Australia (where women blow and men wonder), Santa Clauses (hope I didn't ruin anything there for you, Virginia) have been told to say, "Ha, ha, ha" so as not to be offensive to women. That's funny, I didn't know the Rutgers Women's Basketball team even played in Sydney.

But seriously, how stupid is this? Are a lot of women strolling by the department store Santa and hear his belly laugh and get offended? I thought people got offended because Santa drank or got a little too fresh while you were on his lap.

I saw the Santa at our mall the other day. Because I was on a break during lunch, he was just standing around his little compound looking bored. It's not like he can really take a break in the Food Court or grab some wings from Ruby Tuesday's because he'd get that sauce all over his beard. Luckily, because there were no urchins kids around, I was able to sneak right in and tell him what I wanted.
  • World Peace
  • Better Housing Market
  • Some Underwear for Brittney
  • Some Therapy for Amy
  • A Chrysler 300 accessory
  • Itchy Crewneck Sweaters (which I'm going to get anyway)
  • the Simpsons nativity scene
  • the Shrek Xmas Special
  • an end to the Writer's Strike so I can see Dave again
  • the college football season to end so all those poor Notre Dame fans can finally get some relief from their torment
  • Parrot Trooper to make it into syndication
  • a car mounted laser for the slow moving mini-vans that have Nascar stickers
  • the Christina Aguilera Christmas Album
  • those calf implants I've been saving up for
  • finally getting on Larry David's Christmas Card list

Who am I kidding? I'll probably get coal just like last year. Luckily, with the current run up in the commodities market, I was able to make a bundle. Thank you China and your insatiable demand for energy.


Reigning Frog said...

What is Guinness asking for for Xmas?

Sleepless in Seattle said...

Long time reader, first time responder.

I love reading your rants, and the way they can sound dirty whether you mean them to or not. (I'm guessing you probably mean it).

I'm surprised you didn't ask for whirled peas. Are you sure calf implants are the best way to go?

And if you do get coal, remember what Ferris said about Cameron? You could end up with diamonds you can put into Bling which will buy you more time for sports.

Did you ever catch the "Santa's trap door" sketch on SNL. It was on many moons ago when the original cast was still on.

Thanks for the laughs, and keep up the good work.

Cincinnati said...

So, if Santa gets sauce all over his beard... is he being naughty or nice?

Dunebuggy said...

"Old Man with a HOe"

Old man, why do you hoe?
The ground is white and covered with snow.
The earth is cold and nothing will grow.
Old man, why do you hoe?

I ho because it's Christmas...
And I'm Santa Clause.

A poem my dad wrote over 60 years ago. It wouldn't be the same if he used HA instead.