Things I Don't Get

There's lots of stuff that just excapes (that's how they say it here in the Midwest, youse guys) my understanding. I just shrug my shoulders and get on with my life. I'm never going to understand it, I certainly won't be able to change it and railing against it won't do anything other than get me hot and bothered.

Here are the list of windmills lately:

1) People who seem surprised to suddenly have to pay for their groceries

Seriously, Meemaw, when was the last time you walked out without paying? I know all old people steal (it's up to 83% now), but that you're shocked, shocked to find out that pretty coins are required to exit the grocery store is amazing.

True story, Meemaw was attempting to pay for a single can of cat food with change. As I was in a hurry to get on with my life, I said, "Let me" and gave the clerk 2$ for the can. It was my good deed for the year. Meemaw looked up at me sweetly with her watery blue eyes and patted me on the arm as she sniffed her thanks.

When I was finally done with my transaction, I saw her driving away in her brand new Cadillac. Yup, I'm a schmuck.

2) Watching Celebrities Dance

These are celebrities by only the widest stretch of the term. If you want to see crummy dancing, go to the Senior Center. More people watching Dancing With the Has Beens than the final game of the World Serious. Ow.

And why America likes aging swishy Englishmen to be their judges is beyond me.

3) Women Liking Joo-ry

I don't get it. But sparkly, shiny things are of great interest to the dominant species on our planet. I always buy Wife sparklies for major events: Xmas, Birthday, Anniversary, Fridays. I don't understand it, but I know how to use it to my advantage. It's like kryptonite. Bring a nice piece around and she'll be hyp-mo-tized. Then you can go watch basketball without a lot of questions.

4) Getting paid to blog

I'm not sure why people like to advertise on blogs. I'm going to do this anyway. If they want to slap a de minimus amount of cashola on me to help defray the cable bill every month, more power to them. I would never whore out and say something is good when it sucks. But then what doesn't suck anymore? I'd love to write about my swell experience with superiour customer service somewhere. But that hasn't happened since ought three. So I let the Smorty folk ply with me pennies. Does that make me a whore? Hey, I worked in the legal profession and for a chemical company. We've already established there's not much I won't do.

But if someone wants to offer me a million bucks to say what an effective job the Big Ten Network is doing at spreading its unique message of sportsmanship to the world, I'd like to have to tussle with that ethical dilemma.

5) Politicans

Here's a really old one. How do you know when a politician is lying? Their lips are moving. I can't take this for another year. I've already screamed at the tv during debates.

And why should Iowa get to matter in the scheme of things. So goes Iowa, so goes the country. If that doesn't keep you up at night, what does? Iowa already screwed up the Erotic Corn Dog Contest. Why should a state that exercises that poor type of judgment be allowed to impact the presidential race? And New Hampshire? Come on. You couldn't find that on a map if we spotted you Vermont and Massachusetts.

Here's another old one. What's the best thing to ever come out of Iowa? Interstate 80.

I kid because I care, Hawkeye State. Don't take it personally. Enjoy the scenic vistas of the Quad Cities and the rolling bluffs of the Council. Remember it could be worse. You could be in Minnesota.