Anything by The Allan Parsons Project

I'm not sure why today seems just a tad....off. Maybe it was the Midnight Puppy Patrol Pukefest that put me off my center of being.

Or maybe it's all the hype surrounding the game tomorrow.

Or maybe I'm just feeling freaky because it's actually quiet in the house. Wife off to get her hair done. Pups wiped out from the dog park and are actually quietly asleep dreaming about romping in a field of bacon.

Which gives me to much time to think about what I should do with my life. Besides crack wise here of course. This is what happens when there's no football on and no college hoops I care about on tv. Curses.

Does anyone out there have an online project management certificate?

I was thinking about going back to school for a bit. At least until Barack hires me to be the First Dog Wrangler. You know how this always works out. You fill out all the paperwork for the background check on your Dog Wrangling skills, then it takes forever for the Committee on Government Sinecures to get around to you.

I'm good at Project Management. It's probably my inherent ability to enjoy telling other people what to do. And it's a nice mid-point until I become Benevolent Dictator for Life. Hey, Castro has to kick one of these days and Raoul isn't getting any younger.

But is the certificate more valuable than just being able to point to all the projects you've already run? Getting an IT project isn't rocket science in my book. Just double all the time estimates they give you. At one of my old employers, the IT project methodology was extremely painful. And more than 50% of the time, the estimates were off by more than 100%. You may as well have flipped a coin for that kind of accuracy.

Anyway, advice is always welcome.

You've Got to Be a Football Hero

Hey, is something big coming up this weekend? You haven't heard anything about the Most Important Football Game Ever have you? Until next year's Most Important Football Game Ever of course.

I'm just playing with you. I know the Exxon Mobil, Publix, Raymond James Stupor Bowl is in Tampa, FL this weekend. Oh, on NBC of course.

Now some people see this chaos as a time of opportunity. No, not the hookers. I'm talking about the gamblers. Yes, you may be shocked to know that there is gambling on the Super Bowl. I know. How long has this been going on?

Some asshats are still lording it over their spouses that they correctly predicted last year's game. The New England Patsies never, ever cover. Especially Plaxico Burress.

This year it's trickier. The Steel Curtains Matches the Drapes are giving 7 points to the Arizona Non-Desert Indigenous Species Cardinals. Yes, people in Arizona are so excited to find out they have a team in the NFL!

But that's not going to be enough! Yep, I'm going out on a limb. Skip the mortgage and put everything on Pittsburgh. Purely for entertainment purposes only of course. Unless I'm right then I'll gloat about it just like this next year.

But the score isn't the main focus on the game. It's all the proposition bets. Proposition is a French word that means sucker. It's fun to wager on all the oddball things that can happen during the game. The house picks a number and then you have to decide whether that thing is going to happen more or less than that number. See? Simple.

Here are just a few examples. (Yes, you knew we'd get here eventually.)

• Food references by John Madden - over/under 17
• Brett Farve references by John Madden - over/ under 4
• John Madden references by John Madden - over/under 3
• NFL players arrested during game - over/under 2 1/2
• Barack Obama references during game - over/under 15
• Bruce Springsteen wardrobe malfunctions - over/under 1
• References to Mean Joe Green commercial at your Super Bowl Party- over/under 4
• Super Bowl commercials for liquor - over/under 52
• Drunk Driving Public Service Announcements - over/under 1
• Truck Commercials - over/under 34
• Howie Long calls you a pussy for having the wrong truck commercial- over/under 5
• Auto Companies Whining for a Bailout - over/under 1
• Commercials using fart humor to get a cheap laugh - over/under 5
• Commercials using T&A to get noticed - over/under 317
• Commercials you can't tell what they're advertising - over/under 3.5
• MVP thanks Jesus and/or Higher Power - over/under 4
• MVP thanks Agent - over/under 4
• MVP thanks Coach - over/under 0
• MVP refers to self in 3rd person - over/under 2
• Referee obviously blows call on the field - over/under 5
• Telemarketer calls during game and is surprised you don't want to talk - over/under 2
• Obligatory, unoriginal news stories about how much pizza ordered during game - over/under 568

Feel free to pass along your own bets, kids. And enjoy the game. Now pipe down and get in the kitchen and make me a sammich.

You Know I Can't Dance

Last week's January 24th was supposedly the worst day of the year. Thank you British Psychologist who pulled that date out of his ass. Glad that's over. It's all uphill from here obviously.

But one of the "reasons" for the 24th being so craptacular was because by now people have already abandoned their resolutions.

Luckily, everyone who comes here is perfect. But some folks need help with their resolutions. And while no one would in any way need to lose any weight, I saw something while getting lost in Target and trying to find what I really wanted.

The Dirty Dancing Workout.



They're pimping tag is "Get Fit and Have the Time of Your Life." Ah, nothing makes you want to work out like crummy 80's music.

Obviously, you can learn to move like Baby and Johnny. But, you can't work out in the corner. Because no one puts Baby in the corner.

Warning: the Dirty Dancing Workout may cause pregnancy scares and nose jobs.

I Ain't No Senator's Son

All right, kids. It's really starting to get weird in the Land of Lincoln.

Hot Rod Blagojevich is getting curiouser and curiouser. If you have trouble pronouncing that name, just remember it rhymes with Prison Bitch. Take a look at that weasel over there. That hair, those shifty eyes, the furtive manner. All he's lacking is a plaid sports coat and a '74 Gremlin that he's trying to unload on some poor, unsuspecting sucker.

Anyway, Blagojevich has said that he considered Oprah for the spot of Illinois Senator.

Seriously, how long before this guy crashes his own airplane and tries to escape on a motorcycle he stashed in a storage unit in Joliet?

Well thanks to this reporter's deeply hidden moles in the Blago administration, we were able to obtain the actual hand-written notes of other people he considered as possible Senatorial replacements.

• Michael Jordan
• Abraham Lincoln
• Shoeless Joe Jackson
• Mrs. O'Leary's Cow
• Walter Payton
• Al Capone
• Andre Dawson
• Elwood Blues
• Jake Blues
• Harry Caray
• The Inventor of the Chicago Dog
• Rikki Lake
• Al Bundy
• The Inventor of Old Style
• Bill Brock
• Bill Veeck
• The Inventor of Deep Dish Pizza
• Marshall Field
• Wrigley Field
• John Cusack
• Joan Cusack
• Bob Newhart

Yeah, it's obvious Blago's not hitting on all cylinders right now. Some of those people aren't even real. Like Abraham Lincoln. They just made him up for the penny.

Maybe he'll get to share a cell with former Mayor Kwame.

Call Me

If you hadn't heard, the crisis has been averted. Just like Joltin' Joe predicted, within the first 60 days, we almost had international incident.

Yes, despite concerns over privacy, White House record-keeping protocols and security, Barack Obama is going to be allowed to keep his Blackberry.

That's good because he sends me text messages all the time. What? I don't even have a cell phone so how can I get the President's text messages. Shut up, kid. No one likes a smart ass. Just go with the bit.

Anyway, Barack must have been meeting with his economic advisers because I got the following last night:

OMG!!! This Country is so FUBAR. :( Luvs, BO

Hope that's not a portent of things to come.

I mean I don't think I should be getting email that says Luvs from the President. This can't end well.

Papa Don't Preach

Because I didn't brave the cold, the crowds and the chaos, I didn't see Barack the Vote get sworn in. But then neither did anyone else. Because Chief Justice Roberts effed it up, they had to do a big do-over. Oops!

What do they say in psychiatry? There are no accidents. It's because of the prejudice. Because he's Irish. At least he didn't fall for the "State Your Name" that Roberts tried on him.

And after I got sworn in? It wouldn't be any chaste kiss on the cheek for my hot Chocolate MILF. I'd give the Wife the full lip lock with some grindage and probably even a little assgrab on tv. Of course it's entirely this type of conduct that makes any swearing in ceremony worries not much of a concern for yours truly.

Anyway, before the intertubes get all clogged up with speculation about whether Barack is really the President due to the do-over, you'd better hop on over to what is sure to be the hottest thing ever.

The Pope is getting his own YouTube channel. Man, and you thought it was hard to get people to show up for mass now. Once they find out they can just watch from home, those early Sundays are going to be pretty deserted.

All the details are supposed to be revealed tomorrow. But lucky for you kids, this intrepid reporter has some deep moles on the inside. Here's the real skinny for you. Shhh, it's double top secret. At least until the Flacks get hold of it tomorrow.

While they're still deciding upon the name for the channel, it's down to Bless You Tube or And With You Tube (for both of you Catholics who got that joke, you're welcome).

But it's the content that will really have the masses (get it? It's a gift.) coming back again and again.

Top Ten Pope Videos on You Tube:

10) Pope drops Mentos into Diet Coke
9) Pope skateboards
8) Pope puts all Cardinals' robes in freezer during sleep over
7) Pope does a back flip into his jeans
6) Pope psyches crowd with old pretend to sit down move
5) Pope pretends to be Jack Mehoff and calls Sarah Palin
4) Cardinals retaliate by hiding mitre and replacing with propeller beanie
3) Pope re-retaliates by damning Cardinals
2) Pope has mix up with Arizona Cardinals
1) Pope uses staff to "accidentally" hit crotch of whack job who charged at him

Hey, there's no topping crotch trauma for interweb hilarity.

Barack Me Amadeus

I'll confess to missing the entire gushfest yesterday. I'm not one for ceremonies. Much less long ones with lots of speeches. Somewhere, I'll bet Joe Biden is still talking. Good luck folks. Here are the keys to the Titanic.

Top 10 Things Overheard in DC Yesterday

10) I'm sure Hillary's Presidential Balls would have been much bigger. And brass.
9) No Senator Kennedy, you can't drive.
8) My wife is Secretary of State and will be out of town for 6 months this year. I'm at the Marriott by the way.
7) You can stay until Spongebob is over, Mr. Former President. Then I call the Secret Service.
6) What do you mean I need a deposit for the utilities? It's the White House!
5) Cheney was alone in here. Count the china.
4) No Justice Thomas, I don't want to "bang your gavel."
3) I heard a 10 year old boy from Indiana got his tongue frozen to Ruth Bader Ginsberg.
2) Global warming my ass. If I see Gore, I'm taking a swing.
1) For the last time, girls. We can't take the motorcade through the drive through.

Enjoy the pageantry, kids. It's the closest we'll get to a coronation until the Super Bowl is over.

Wanted Dead Or Alive

I don't want to say that I racked up major husband points this weekend, but I sat through both Mamma Mia and Marley & Me.

That's a whole lot of cinematic emotion for a big strapping mountain man like yours truly. I was briefly cheered that while Pierce Brosnan is one of the top five prettiest men in the world, he can't sing worth a damn.

And Marley and Me with Jennifer Aniston? Everyone was bawling by the end. If you're a dog person, you may want to skip the last 15 minutes and sneak into something else.

It's so sad when Marley runs off with Angelina Jolie at the end.

Hope I didn't ruin anything for anybody there.

The Name Game

You know things are bad people when Larry Flynt is asking for a bailout. Just 5 billion to tide him over for a while. Man, when the porn industry starts losing money, times must be tough.

Personally, I'm going to get me a really slick Lexington personal injury lawyer and start diving in front of cars stopped at intersections. A couple of well-placed and seemingly respectable witnesses conveniently in the area before I take my dive and the right chiropractor on the payroll and I'll be on easy street. If I can't take advantage of our overly litigious society, who can?

Once those fat settlement checks start rolling in, I'll be able to help out Uncle Larry. No, he's not really my Uncle. But after seeing Woody Harrelson in that movie, I feel like I know him. Sure Larry wants to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America." I'm sure this isn't just some cheap publicity grab. Uncle Larry has too much class for that.

I thought the porn industry was insulated from an economic downturn. When you're broke, what else is there to do except for doing it bunches? You can't afford to go to the movies, but you can always make your own.

The real problem is that the industry has lost its edge. They used to be extremely clever in ripping off the names of current movies for their less than mainstream fare. The two most genius were On Golden Blonde and Hannah Does Her Three Sisters.

So in an effort to help out Mr. Flynt, here's some starters to get his production geniuses started. And you knew we'd eventually get to a list here, didn't you?

• The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt


• Hotel for Doggy Style


• Charley, Harley, Farley & Me


• Yes Ma'am


• Horndog Millionaire


• Milk (but it's a verb in this film)


• Bride Hoors


• The Dork Knight


• Forever Long


• My Horny Valentine


• Hot Bedtime Stories


• The Tale of Desper Do Me


• Seven Pounds and 9 Inches


• Quantum of Solo


• Asstralia


• Frost/Vixen


• Cram Torino


• Paul Blart: Mall Stud


• De Fiancee


• Twilight All Night Long

Have a good weekend, kids. And feel free to play along at home. Uncle Larry needs all the help he can get. Because he sure as hell isn't going to get that 5 billion anytime soon.

Dog Day Afternoon

I couldn't help but notice that our Presidential Elect First Family has narrowed down its choices for First Dog to two particular breeds: Labradoodle and Portuguese Water Dog.

What kind of an asshat would have those kind of dogs? Wuh? Oh, yeah. This asshat would.

And thanks to all who thought the two Hell Hounds were frikin adorable yesterday. Yes, that's Guinness trying to bit Tiki's head after Tiki was trying to write a check his butt can't cash. Yet.

So it's with some first hand experience that I can give our President Elect a bit of advice regarding the two breeds.

The Labradoodle is a cross between the Labrador Retriever and a Poodle. While not truly non-allergenic (no dog is), the breed typically doesn't shed. First generation labradoodles tends to look scruffier and may have more hair loss than a second generation dog. Typically you get the goofy personality of the Lab and the intelligence of the Poodle.

The breed originated in Australia where they were started as service dogs for those allergic to most breeds. Despite this arcane fact, our Lab won't retrieve. Unless you count an affinity for eating poo as a retrieval skill. So rich, so creamy. Sometimes he just can't resist.

While the breed is extremely good natured, you must also be prepared that you may have a 70 pound lap dog. Who prefers a very comfortable position that puts pressure on your bladder.

The Portuguese Water Dog has bred in his namesake country to assist fishermen by pulling nets and carrying messages back to shore. As such, they have an extremely powerful bite. Especially for things like shoes, hand towels, brother dogs, ice cubs, newspapers or tennis balls.

You may also wish to consult your peer Ted Kennedy as he owns a Portie that he brings to the office and is named Splash. Yes, you'd think someone with that kind of history would avoid any mention of water. It could have been worse, he could have named him Oldsmobile or Chappaquiddick.

As a working class dog, the Portie is better than an Apidexin. Think of him as a furry exercise machine. You won't need to worry about getting too much Oval Office time as you'll be walking that little critter for a couple of hours a day. But at least this will give you an excuse to get outside to sneak a quick smoke. As your Mother-In-Law is moving in, there's no way you're quitting this year.

The Portie is also non-allergenic. But while they don't shed, when they role in horse manure, it's really not a function of how much hair they're letting loose in the house. Sometimes those exotic smells are just too ripe to ignore. Luckily the breed likes water so when you have to wash that horse poo out, it's not too bad. Just ask Tiki. Yesterday. Ah, the joys of pet ownership.

And while this media distraction very important decision that impacts our entire country should not be entered lightly, it might be best if you made sure any chosen dog would be the right fit with your family, lifestyle and new home. Toward that end, if you'd like to borrow for an indefinite period of time either of the breeds, I'm sure we could reach some sort of accommodation. Something in the nature of Ambassador to a country with lots of beaches or some other type of sinecure.

Good luck, B.O. You're going to need it. Better warn your security detail that poop scooping has been added to their job description.

Just remember that if you ever accidentally lock your dog and your wife in the garage for an hour, when you open that door, your dog will be happy to see you.

Anarchy in the UK

Sorry about the title kids. It's the only thing on my iPod that I could come up with from The Alarm.

Anyway, we scored one of those swell, new, jim dandy, home security systems recently. This despite the recent statistic in the paper here that one in 25 people roaming our streets out here are packing heat. Yes, 4% of our population has an undercover gun permit. So when you combine that with the statistic that 25% of our populace has some form of mental illness, it makes for good times. No wonder we have gun shows out here. That's just good marketing. Although I can't really disagree with the latest road rage incident we had. It involved the freeway, some gunplay and someone texting. I completely understand.

The best thing is that we got the ADT system for free. They were just wandering by and throwing them at people. That's because the monitoring service is where you really get your value.

If the alarm goes off, the local police get a little ring a ding ding and they send someone over to ask why you can't remember your own access code. Because there's nothing better than explaining your memoric failings to The Man.

I wasn't initially in favor of the new alarm. But then the Wife (aka The Brains of the Operation) pointed out to me that our current alarm system based upon the fuzzy, hairy, biting platform would probably be too busy eating their giant rawhide candy cane (instead of each other for a change) to actually defend the house. That and they'd rather bark at harmless passersby or the doorbells they hear on tv. And if an intruder ever had bacon, forget about it. All three of us would fall for that one.

It does seem like alarm systems have come a long way. I remember my parents having one. It would go off when the paper boy threw the morning delivery and it hit the door. Wow, there's nothing like waking up to 130 decibels of electronic screech. That's better than any snooze alarm.

Now I've just got to remember to turn off the alarm before I let the whizzers out in the morning. I'm sure both the local police and my neighbors would appreciate that in the future. Sorry. I'm not really awake until the Diet Coke has kicked in and I've had time to process the ESPN ticker scores. So you can thank me for getting your week off to an exciting start.

You Say You Want a Resolution

Wow, am I glad the Fiesta New Year's is over. I can't handle all that pressure of football teams voted on by the media (who knows everything) deciding who wins the championship. They're going to do the same thing in the NFL so get ready for the Cowboys and the Colts to play in the Super Bowl. It doesn't matter that they lost, it's what the media wants. Deal with it, pinkbellies.

Now I know how astute all my readers are (both of them). And we all know yours truly is just a smidge shy of perfection. You don't get tagged with Prince Effing Charming for no reason. So let's just agree that there's no need for any of us to change our act in 2009.

But think about the real problems in your life. What is it? Other people.

So while some schmukos may make resolutions for the new year, I'm sure that you'll all agree that we should be making Fed Ex New Year's Resolutions for those other people. Here goes:

Tom Cruise: No more movies wherein you play a Nazi. Yeah, go figure playing a Nazi didn't endear you with audiences again. From now on, Tommy Boy, you only get to play roles that have so much make up that we don't even recognize you. Nice work in Tropic Thunder btw. Keep it up in '09.

Paula Abdul: I'm going the other way on this one. Lots of people think she should quit drinking during the show. Instead she needs to start drinking at lunch. I want even more spontaneous, unexplainable behavior this year. If there's not a crying jab, threats of violence against Mr. Cowell and random acts of disrobing, I'm out. Go for it. You can always reunite with MC Skat Cat if Idol sucks the big one this year. Again.

Plaxico Burress: Gun safety lessons. Oh, and maybe a gun permit. Oh, and buy your gun legally. Oh, and leave it at home before you wear your sweat pants to the club. What do you call it when you accidentally discharge your weapon? A Plaxident.

Caroline Kennedy: Senator is not an entry level position. No matter if you are from America's First Family. You actually have to show up for those votes. That's really going to cut into your me time. Like shopping.

Bernie Madoff: The chair. And not a wing back leather that's part of a much more contemporary ensemble. This one plugs in. Hey, they croak the bastards for corporate corruption in China. That tends to deter the greedheads a bit.

Amy Winehouse: Seriously, get off the crank. And back in the studio.

Madonna: Okay, it was cute when you were younger. Now you're the scary aunt who hugs you just a little too long and turns her head when you're supposed to be giving a kiss on the cheeks. If you continue to date Yankees, you must go through the starting lineup in the batting order. No word on whether Madge will now be affecting a faux Brooklyn accent.

Brett Favre: Stay retired this time. Maybe announcing. Even Barry Switzer can manage that.

Jeremy Piven: Eat steak. No more sushi. Or lame excuses when you want out.

Oprah: Some self-esteem courses. Just kidding, Queen of All She Surveys. Remember on inauguration day, it's not all about you. Let someone else have the spotlight once in a while. Maybe even be on the cover of your magazine. At least once.

Donald Trump: A hat.

Miley Cyrus: A boyfriend who's not facing statutory charges. Oh, and a really honest accountant. You can never be too careful.

Jay Leno: A prime time talk show? Really? You should just spend more time doing stand up in Vegas and working on cars. Let it go. It's time to move on. See Brett Farve's entry above. Please.

Sarah Palin: Just go away. Quietly. And now.

Leon Panetta: Having seen all the James Bond movies doesn't make you an espionage expert. You know accounting. Cutting back on the Luminox watches for field agents may save some bucks, but it won't make any more sense out of the Middle East intelligence gathering. Please don't get in over your head. Does it worry anyone else that they couldn't even keep his selection from being leaked early?

Tony Kornheiser: Retirement from tv. Just write. At least I don't have to read that.

Barack Obama: A smooth transition. Maybe even an early one. And go ahead and buy some of those plates. It'll be great for a laugh at the first State Dinner. Yes We Can Finish our Vegetables.

I'm sure you may have some suggestions for people. Maybe even co-workers or prospective spouses who need to spring for a ring. Don't be shy, kids.

Year 3000

As it's nearing the end of the year, I'm not giving you some crummy re-run clip show. This is actual new content. Still not very good content, but that's not the point.

Learn from our history, kids. Or your destined to repeat it. Just like that pesky 9th grade when you discovered the joys of cutting school and smoking behind the portables.

THINGS I LEARNED IN 2008

• Blagojevich rhymes with prison bitch.
• Rhesus monkeys are not filled with peanut butter.
• It's okay to stab people but not use a gun to steal football memorabilia.
• It's okay to give money to broke financial companies but not broke car companies.
• When your boss and project manager are laid off, do not believe the corporate messaging that all is well.
• The Lions suck every year but some years historically so.
• Healthy grilling does not mean that you sit in the shade with your beer and a stick.
• People will watch anything on tv: karaoke, dancing, card playing and Howie Mandel.
• The weather is only news when it happens on the East Coast.
• Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
• Dave is still funnier than Jay.
• Dogs are the only animal that will allow you to take their manhood yet will still lick your face.
• The Irish are a maudlin and annoying people. Even more so if they're your relatives.
• Excessively tapping your foot in an airport bathroom is not an expression of free speech.
• Hollywood has no ideas except for those found in comic books.
• Coldplay steals. And still sucks.
• Montana is mostly cows and not people.

That's it kids. I learned nothing else. Unless I forgot it.

Billy Don't Be a Hero

I thought I'd remind you all that I still live in Hicksville Central aka the Mild, Mild West.

Yesterday, as the Wife and I were headed out to engage in some public mastication involving rich, bacony goodness, we had a bit of a traffic problem.

Some yahoo in the left hand land was completely stopped. Now as such Sunday morn asshattery is not unknown to us, I simply shifted to the right lane and headed by the slowed pick up truck.

Which is when we saw the goat.

I'll type that again.

We saw a goat.

Standing in the left lane of the road. A five land road. Two on each side with a left turn lane in the middle. We're talking a major thoroughfare here, kids.

And this didn't look to be a wild mountain goat. He was wearing a blue collar and seemed well cared for. No, that's not him up there. I failed to tote the Canon Powershot this morn as I didn't anticipate a National Geographic encounter.

And as we headed to the post office to drop off some mail en route to the breaky joint, the goat followed us.

Which is when the dog in the back seat (Gman, for you faithful readers) saw the goat. And Guinness said, "Hey, let me out so I can go chase that goat." It just sounded like really loud whining to the non-dog talkers in the car. Luckily, I'm fluent in hairball.

I immediately posited the theory that the goat was actually employed by the Post Office to eat all the mail they didn't feel like delivering. Like everything between Nov. 26 until Jan. 3rd. But the Wife thought I was just crazy. Per uzh.

We then saw a cop and wondered if we should pull over and tell the cop about the goat roaming the streets. But I didn't feel like taking a field sobriety test before breakfast. We also rejected the idea of capturing the goat and making our own cheese. Stupid fascist homeowners association with their crummy no goat racism.

I like to think Billy eventually found his way home to his owner and they had the best post Xmas ever and attributed his return to an Xmas miracle wherein angels and bells ringing were involved. Or maybe some Jamaicans nabbed him and they'll be enjoying some curried goat as they ring in the New Year. In the end, each ending is happy when you think about it.

Enjoy the week, kids.

Autograph?

I don't know why I find this chart so hilar. But I do.

Maybe this means Santa will bring me all those video games I asked for this Xmas.


more music charts

And you thought the lists were bad....

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Sticky Fingers

It's almost D day, kids. Well, X day anyway. You've got just a week to come up with some Xmas loot that's going to shut those kids up for a while so you can get some peace and quiet.

Sure, you could call my toll free number at 1-900-SantaMe (only $2.95 per minute) to let your kids pretend to talk to one of Santa's helpers. And if that voice on the other end has an accent that sounds suspiciously like Chinese, don't worry. The Chinese don't celebrate Xmas, but they're really our elves. Because they make all the toys. And hardly and lead in them this year.

And while Santa Claus isn't an international phenomenon (but he has aliases like Father Christmas and Kris Kringle and Jennifer Garner), around the world, kids all want the same thing: a stick.

That's Sean Morey singing in case you didn't recognize him.

Get shopping kids!

Just Another Xmas Song

If you didn't get the chance to catch the Stephen Colbert Christmas Special on Comedy Central, you can still pick up the dvd in plenty of time for the holidays. No, I'm not secretly Stephen Colbert (as far as you know) nor do I get a dime for each disc that moves.

I just appreciate funny stuff when I see it.

You can too. This is the opening.

Enjoy.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

A Colbert Christmas: Another Christmas Song

Colbert at Christmas
Colbert Christmas DVD

Green Screen
Bill O'Reilly Interview

Present Tense

I don't want to put any pressure on you, but it's only 2 weeks until Xmas. That's right, you better have something decent for that loved one in your life. Not like last year when you bought everything at the truck stop. Sure the flowers were nice, but no one wants to get jerky for the holidays. Even if it is that swell teriyaki flavor in the one pound bag.

So here are some tips (many, many tips) for your holiday shopping.

Gift Cards: Giving these are really popular right now. Stores like them because they've got your money now and with any luck your giftee will misplace it. That's just one flaw in your cunning plan. The other? Sure, you think you're getting someone something from their favorite store. You've just given them an errand. Thanks, you shouldn't have. And even worse. You've told them exactly how much they mean to you. It's a nice round figure. Do you really want that special someone to know you value your relationship at the figure of exactly $100? Didn't think so.

Pets: It seems so romantic. You get him or her a puppy. Don't. Pet shelters get more pets in January than any other months of the year. It may sound like a good idea. But when Sparky chews up her Jimmy Choo's, do you still think she'll be happy with him? Or you?

A Donation In Your Name: The ultimate scam gift. Actually not a bad idea if you're a complete cheapskate. Just get an official looking card (and you can probably download one) and tell them you made a very generous donation. You bought goats for the entire village in their name. Thanks, I'm sure those goats are much better than getting me Rock Band 2. Don't fake adopting a kid though, because you'll eventually have to pony up some more letters and a picture. Keep it simple. No goat is going to want to be your pen pal.

Lingerie: Really a gift for you not for her. And what's the deal with lingerie? Victoria's Secret? She's a man, baby. As a complete tangent, I don't get lingerie. When did lace covering ever clinch the deal for anyone? By the time in the evening wherein I might be able to see whether or not my sex kitten-elect might be wearing lingerie, I'd made up my mind a long time ago about whether we would or wouldn't. It's not like I would all of a sudden see the cat suit and say, "Nope, I'm outta here." To put it in gift giving terms, even a really great wrap job on a pair of socks isn't going to make you glad you got a pair of socks.

Clothing: A good idea in theory. Never works out in practice. First, if you get the size wrong, she thinks you think she's fat. Unless you really want to play this up and get her a size 5 and act like that's what size you think she is. She may appreciate how deluded you are. Second, people don't buy other people what they want they buy what they want them to wear. It's why women give men blazers and men give women lingerie. Don't buy for you, buy for them. But it's probably just best to avoid the temptation to get her to wear that monogrammed football jersey and go with....

Jewelry: Yeah, I don't get it. But women love the sparkly stuff. Even if it's not huge or garish, they'll love it. But it can never be too big. Yes, that's what she said.

Good luck with the shopping kids. You're going to need it.

I'd Have Voted For This Rudy

It's tonight.  Can you feel it?  The most important television event ever.  Yup, it's Rudolph.  Per uzh.  And just because they've been showing it since 1964, don't think you can miss it.  If you do miss it, your head might explode.  It's been known to happen.  I read about in on the interwebs somewhere.  I lost the link.  Sorry.

And don't think you can just watch it on DVD.  If you do that you'll miss the commercials.  And then you won't buy stuff for Xmas.  And then the terrorists win.  Besides Santa sliding down a hill on an electric shaver never gets old.

Anyway to whet your collective appetites, here's a little list for you.  You knew we'd eventually get here.

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

10) Named to Barack Obama's transition team

9) Still has bitter feelings toward Bambi after working as his stunt double

8) Accused Yukon Cornelius of "naughty touch"

7) Has a restraining order against King Moonracer

6) Even more bitter than the Cavemen after losing out to a gecko for that car insurance advert

5) Frequently "dive bombs" Superman's Fortress of Solitude after Mrs. Claus' infamous taco night

4) Had nosed fixed in expensive rhinoplasty after Yukon Cornelius settlement

3) Shot at from a helicopter by Sarah Palin

2) Considers Mrs. Claus his bff.  Santa?  Not so much.

1) Still won't let Hermey touch his teeth

Enjoy the big show tonight, kids.

Tutti Rudi

Yes, I know I've written about this before. And before. I can't help it that the best thing I've ever written on this here blog is stupid stuff about clay. Suck it, monkeys. It's not a re-run; it's a classic.

But the best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 8 PM on CBS (check local listings). Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is older than me!

It's that great/crappy claymation and a great drinking game. Take a sip every time Rudolph's nose lights up to play "He Lights, You're Lit." It's a classic.

I've seen this show way too many times and can actually do most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of any houseguests). And I have an appreciation for the various subtexts of the show. Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer depicts the common literary theme regarding the struggle of man against

There are also, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?
• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?
• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern educational system. Despite his superior flying skills, Rudolph is ostracized because of his infatuation with Clarice. Detail the homo-erotic undertones in the Reindeer Flight Practice.
• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? Throughout the entire show, it is appropriate to yell, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius!"
• Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?
• All the elf women are identical. Is this an argument for cloning and stem cell research?
• Clarice's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?
• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?
• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?
• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities? Transgendered? PMS?
• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. King Moonracer is a caricature of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies. Discuss other examples of the Island of Misfit Toys undermining U.S. Foreign Policy.
• Rudolph's Mother and Clarice are initially denied joining in the search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?
• The worst snowstorm ever is an indictment of global warming. Do reindeer seem a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?
• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?
• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left?
• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Is he gay also? Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?
• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Does he pull the Bumble's teeth out to allow greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?
• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at problems and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?
• Santa "delivers" the toys by throwing them from his sled. Yet the BirdFish who we have learned earlier is unable to fly is not given an umbrella and is instead thrown to his death from Santa's sleigh. Is this an indictment against genetic mutations?

Have fun tomorrow, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up. This only makes the intellectual discussions more animated.