Friday, January 16, 2009

The Name Game

You know things are bad people when Larry Flynt is asking for a bailout. Just 5 billion to tide him over for a while. Man, when the porn industry starts losing money, times must be tough.

Personally, I'm going to get me a really slick Lexington personal injury lawyer and start diving in front of cars stopped at intersections. A couple of well-placed and seemingly respectable witnesses conveniently in the area before I take my dive and the right chiropractor on the payroll and I'll be on easy street. If I can't take advantage of our overly litigious society, who can?

Once those fat settlement checks start rolling in, I'll be able to help out Uncle Larry. No, he's not really my Uncle. But after seeing Woody Harrelson in that movie, I feel like I know him. Sure Larry wants to "rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America." I'm sure this isn't just some cheap publicity grab. Uncle Larry has too much class for that.

I thought the porn industry was insulated from an economic downturn. When you're broke, what else is there to do except for doing it bunches? You can't afford to go to the movies, but you can always make your own.

The real problem is that the industry has lost its edge. They used to be extremely clever in ripping off the names of current movies for their less than mainstream fare. The two most genius were On Golden Blonde and Hannah Does Her Three Sisters.

So in an effort to help out Mr. Flynt, here's some starters to get his production geniuses started. And you knew we'd eventually get to a list here, didn't you?
  • The Curious Case of Benjamin Butt

  • Hotel for Doggy Style

  • Charley, Harley, Farley & Me

  • Yes Ma'am

  • Horndog Millionaire

  • Milk (but it's a verb in this film)

  • Bride Hoors

  • The Dork Knight

  • Forever Long

  • My Horny Valentine

  • Hot Bedtime Stories

  • The Tale of Desper Do Me

  • Seven Pounds and 9 Inches

  • Quantum of Solo

  • Asstralia

  • Frost/Vixen

  • Cram Torino

  • Paul Blart: Mall Stud

  • De Fiancee

  • Twilight All Night Long

Have a good weekend, kids. And feel free to play along at home. Uncle Larry needs all the help he can get. Because he sure as hell isn't going to get that 5 billion anytime soon.

3 comments:

Roxrocks said...

You have a good weekend too!

I can't think of any to add. I'm still trying to catch up to movies from the 90s, I have no idea what's current! LOL!

foundinidaho said...

I am so bad at coming up with those type of things. You, however, have a gift.

I hope Uncle Larry gets the bailout he so seriously deserves.

[F]oxymoron said...

Automobiles... Porn...
Banks... Porn...
Housing... Porn...

Deep down inside I think Americans can feel the correct decision. Porn.