Friday, January 09, 2009

You Say You Want a Resolution

Wow, am I glad the Fiesta New Year's is over. I can't handle all that pressure of football teams voted on by the media (who knows everything) deciding who wins the championship. They're going to do the same thing in the NFL so get ready for the Cowboys and the Colts to play in the Super Bowl. It doesn't matter that they lost, it's what the media wants. Deal with it, pinkbellies.

Now I know how astute all my readers are (both of them). And we all know yours truly is just a smidge shy of perfection. You don't get tagged with Prince Effing Charming for no reason. So let's just agree that there's no need for any of us to change our act in 2009.

But think about the real problems in your life. What is it? Other people.

So while some schmukos may make resolutions for the new year, I'm sure that you'll all agree that we should be making Fed Ex New Year's Resolutions for those other people. Here goes:

Tom Cruise: No more movies wherein you play a Nazi. Yeah, go figure playing a Nazi didn't endear you with audiences again. From now on, Tommy Boy, you only get to play roles that have so much make up that we don't even recognize you. Nice work in Tropic Thunder btw. Keep it up in '09.

Paula Abdul: I'm going the other way on this one. Lots of people think she should quit drinking during the show. Instead she needs to start drinking at lunch. I want even more spontaneous, unexplainable behavior this year. If there's not a crying jab, threats of violence against Mr. Cowell and random acts of disrobing, I'm out. Go for it. You can always reunite with MC Skat Cat if Idol sucks the big one this year. Again.

Plaxico Burress: Gun safety lessons. Oh, and maybe a gun permit. Oh, and buy your gun legally. Oh, and leave it at home before you wear your sweat pants to the club. What do you call it when you accidentally discharge your weapon? A Plaxident.

Caroline Kennedy: Senator is not an entry level position. No matter if you are from America's First Family. You actually have to show up for those votes. That's really going to cut into your me time. Like shopping.

Bernie Madoff: The chair. And not a wing back leather that's part of a much more contemporary ensemble. This one plugs in. Hey, they croak the bastards for corporate corruption in China. That tends to deter the greedheads a bit.

Amy Winehouse: Seriously, get off the crank. And back in the studio.

Madonna: Okay, it was cute when you were younger. Now you're the scary aunt who hugs you just a little too long and turns her head when you're supposed to be giving a kiss on the cheeks. If you continue to date Yankees, you must go through the starting lineup in the batting order. No word on whether Madge will now be affecting a faux Brooklyn accent.

Brett Favre: Stay retired this time. Maybe announcing. Even Barry Switzer can manage that.

Jeremy Piven: Eat steak. No more sushi. Or lame excuses when you want out.

Oprah: Some self-esteem courses. Just kidding, Queen of All She Surveys. Remember on inauguration day, it's not all about you. Let someone else have the spotlight once in a while. Maybe even be on the cover of your magazine. At least once.

Donald Trump: A hat.

Miley Cyrus: A boyfriend who's not facing statutory charges. Oh, and a really honest accountant. You can never be too careful.

Jay Leno: A prime time talk show? Really? You should just spend more time doing stand up in Vegas and working on cars. Let it go. It's time to move on. See Brett Farve's entry above. Please.

Sarah Palin: Just go away. Quietly. And now.

Leon Panetta: Having seen all the James Bond movies doesn't make you an espionage expert. You know accounting. Cutting back on the Luminox watches for field agents may save some bucks, but it won't make any more sense out of the Middle East intelligence gathering. Please don't get in over your head. Does it worry anyone else that they couldn't even keep his selection from being leaked early?

Tony Kornheiser: Retirement from tv. Just write. At least I don't have to read that.

Barack Obama: A smooth transition. Maybe even an early one. And go ahead and buy some of those plates. It'll be great for a laugh at the first State Dinner. Yes We Can Finish our Vegetables.

I'm sure you may have some suggestions for people. Maybe even co-workers or prospective spouses who need to spring for a ring. Don't be shy, kids.


Roxrocks said...

A kill me!

How about one for the Lohan family? Like, move to Inuvik and become a distant memory. Or how about Paris Hilton...NY Resolution: Get wonky eye fixed and stand up straight.

We should hang out some time at a mall food court, we'd have a jolly good time!

foundinidaho said...

I agree with all of these except for the Caroline Kennedy one. I actually find her somewhat substantial. Y'know?

I think that "Speidi" (how sad is it I know who these people are?) should move to Inuvik with the Lohans. Just sayin'...

I also think that President Monson should resolve to get his nose out of the lives of ordinary, non-LDS Utahns. Just because I still care.

Anonymous said...

Oh my gosh, I would love, love, love to eat off a plate with my face on it!

I want to add Diane Sawyer to the Brett Farve retirement list. She's turning into everybody's crazy grandmother right before our eyes. It pains me.

Jeremy Piven also pains me because I think he's adorable, but he does weird things that make me cringe.