Thursday, December 11, 2008

Present Tense

I don't want to put any pressure on you, but it's only 2 weeks until Xmas. That's right, you better have something decent for that loved one in your life. Not like last year when you bought everything at the truck stop. Sure the flowers were nice, but no one wants to get jerky for the holidays. Even if it is that swell teriyaki flavor in the one pound bag.

So here are some tips (many, many tips) for your holiday shopping.

Gift Cards: Giving these are really popular right now. Stores like them because they've got your money now and with any luck your giftee will misplace it. That's just one flaw in your cunning plan. The other? Sure, you think you're getting someone something from their favorite store. You've just given them an errand. Thanks, you shouldn't have. And even worse. You've told them exactly how much they mean to you. It's a nice round figure. Do you really want that special someone to know you value your relationship at the figure of exactly $100? Didn't think so.

Pets: It seems so romantic. You get him or her a puppy. Don't. Pet shelters get more pets in January than any other months of the year. It may sound like a good idea. But when Sparky chews up her Jimmy Choo's, do you still think she'll be happy with him? Or you?

A Donation In Your Name: The ultimate scam gift. Actually not a bad idea if you're a complete cheapskate. Just get an official looking card (and you can probably download one) and tell them you made a very generous donation. You bought goats for the entire village in their name. Thanks, I'm sure those goats are much better than getting me Rock Band 2. Don't fake adopting a kid though, because you'll eventually have to pony up some more letters and a picture. Keep it simple. No goat is going to want to be your pen pal.

Lingerie: Really a gift for you not for her. And what's the deal with lingerie? Victoria's Secret? She's a man, baby. As a complete tangent, I don't get lingerie. When did lace covering ever clinch the deal for anyone? By the time in the evening wherein I might be able to see whether or not my sex kitten-elect might be wearing lingerie, I'd made up my mind a long time ago about whether we would or wouldn't. It's not like I would all of a sudden see the cat suit and say, "Nope, I'm outta here." To put it in gift giving terms, even a really great wrap job on a pair of socks isn't going to make you glad you got a pair of socks.

Clothing: A good idea in theory. Never works out in practice. First, if you get the size wrong, she thinks you think she's fat. Unless you really want to play this up and get her a size 5 and act like that's what size you think she is. She may appreciate how deluded you are. Second, people don't buy other people what they want they buy what they want them to wear. It's why women give men blazers and men give women lingerie. Don't buy for you, buy for them. But it's probably just best to avoid the temptation to get her to wear that monogrammed football jersey and go with....

Jewelry: Yeah, I don't get it. But women love the sparkly stuff. Even if it's not huge or garish, they'll love it. But it can never be too big. Yes, that's what she said.

Good luck with the shopping kids. You're going to need it.


Wicked H said...

Oy, the pressure!!!

One more thing about the gift cards, make sure you don't give one for a store that has gone under. Yup, I learned the hard way....

foundinidaho said...

I was going to say what Wicked H said. But now it's been said. I will add especially to a restaurant - many people in Boise have learned this the hard way this year.

Maybe I can buy my father in law jerky. That's about all he deserves.

Other than that, I'm actually about done with shopping. Whew. But these are great tips.

Roxrocks said...

Believe it or not, I'm giving my parents the donation to a charity in their name. I'd rather give food to the homeless than buy anything for those people, but because of my catholic upbringing, I feel guilty not getting them anything. So this way, I'm giving them some guilt for Chrismtas, it's really win/win!

And I've given the husband jerky for Christmas before in his stocking. Let's just say, he was grateful!

Cat said...

Great tips! I have never, ever gotten jewelry for the holidays (or my birthday, or Valentine's Day, or EVER), so I don't know if I would like it or not. But about the lingerie? Totally right about that. Jerkey I'd take, but only if it was wrapped in diamonds.

Anonymous said...

I wish someone would give a donation in my name instead of a bunch of crap I don't need. I actually started making a Christmas list of my own a few months ago, so when the time came to draw names and give out our wish lists, I was all prepared. Otherwise, I end up with 5 books I'll never read and a gift card or two to buy more crap I don't need.

As for lingerie, you're entitled to your opinion. Some men like it; some don't. That's all there is.

Reigning Frog said...

Don't forget the ultimate bad gift- naming a star after someone. If anyone ever does that for me, I will kill them with a light saber.

Anonymous said...

All this stuff is still way better than not getting any gift at all, or buying a new video game and trying it out first, then wrapping the game box up sans game for Christmas morning.