Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Year 3000

As it's nearing the end of the year, I'm not giving you some crummy re-run clip show. This is actual new content. Still not very good content, but that's not the point.

Learn from our history, kids. Or your destined to repeat it. Just like that pesky 9th grade when you discovered the joys of cutting school and smoking behind the portables.

THINGS I LEARNED IN 2008

  • Blagojevich rhymes with prison bitch.
  • Rhesus monkeys are not filled with peanut butter.
  • It's okay to stab people but not use a gun to steal football memorabilia.
  • It's okay to give money to broke financial companies but not broke car companies.
  • When your boss and project manager are laid off, do not believe the corporate messaging that all is well.
  • The Lions suck every year but some years historically so.
  • Healthy grilling does not mean that you sit in the shade with your beer and a stick.
  • People will watch anything on tv: karaoke, dancing, card playing and Howie Mandel.
  • The weather is only news when it happens on the East Coast.
  • Never get involved in a land war in Asia.
  • Dave is still funnier than Jay.
  • Dogs are the only animal that will allow you to take their manhood yet will still lick your face.
  • The Irish are a maudlin and annoying people. Even more so if they're your relatives.
  • Excessively tapping your foot in an airport bathroom is not an expression of free speech.
  • Hollywood has no ideas except for those found in comic books.
  • Coldplay steals. And still sucks.
  • Montana is mostly cows and not people.

That's it kids. I learned nothing else. Unless I forgot it.

3 comments:

Roxrocks said...

What about this: If you pick a running mate who says "Gotcha" and winks a lot, you will lose the election that you are too old to run for in the first place?

:)

kitkat said...

The weather is only news when it happens on the East Coast.

Except when you're in the Midwest and you desperately need to know what the weather is like NY because you have tickets for a plane that's landing there. THEN, they only want to talk about how it's snowing in Las Vegas. Bastards!

foundinidaho said...

I think that statement about the Lions is about to start applying to the Packers.

Here's one - "Do not automatically assume that Brett Favre will take you to the Super Bowl". I'll bet Mangini wishes he'd known that one.