Friday, October 10, 2008

On Settling

Women have very high expectations. Amazingly high expectations. And they frequently compare fantasy to our base reality. Go figure reality comes up a little short.

I still blame Princess Dianna for this. When she got married to Prince Jug Ears and they showed it on tv, every woman in the universe wanted that wedding. The huge bridal train, the ponies, the red carpet. This set the bar just a bit high for reality. Now every woman wants to be a princess. Please try to remember that he ran around on her and she with died in a car crash. Not every fairy tale has a happy ending, kids.

In the US, fewer people are getting married. 22% of men between 35 and 39 with less than 4 years of college have never married. Now some science types are going to tell you it's the economic independence of women or some such crap. Bullshit, women have wised up. They know that other than making red hot monkey love, dealing with vermin and taking out the trash, we men are worthless. If women want something that lies on the couch and drools too much, they can get a dog.

Contrast that with some recently expressed views in the Atlantic that advise women to just settle down. Settle down not as in avoid the histrionics but as in just get married already. They’re not going to meet Prince Freakin’ Charming, but they are going to meet Dave the Accountant who may be slightly annoying but probably will treat you well enough to put up with the rest of your life. Or at least the next 3 to 7 years.

That’s more depressing than living in a Fantasy Land. You can find your soul mate. But it’s not going to be on Someone you know has a friend of a friend of a friend and he, despite his divorce and love for Star Trek, is ready for further punishment and to be seen in public with you.

Meeting someone isn’t the problem. You meet people every day. Just not anyone you want to date. Seinfeld said that 90 to 95% of the population is undateable and that we only hook up because of alcohol. And you’re only going to find that 5-10% of the quality men by sorting out the good ones from the bad ones. And while some would tell us there are no bad men just men who don’t understand the term foreplay, we’ll leave Madonna out of this for now. Wow, two Madonna jokes in two days. Guess I'm still not over being dumped for A-Rod after all.

So what’s the point? Don’t go to extremes. Try to balance your actual life between the fairy tale existence of royalty and the drudgery of becoming a scullery slave to the first dork who acknowledges you’re breathing. You’re never going to marry a Prince. Grace, you can shut the hell up.

You also shouldn’t just settle for someone. Those annoying little quirks aren’t suddenly going to become endearing now that you’ve got a ring. They’re going to eat at you like a tapeworm until finally one day you snap and put a foot in his ass because he dropped his socks right on the floor instead of the hamper despite having been repeatedly told.

There is a middle ground. You can have someone who still makes you heart flutter when he wakes you up in the morning and calls when he promises. He just won’t be wearing a crown. Unless you’ve got this keeper. Then you can go ahead and fire up the ponies.


kris said...

You could have just called this An Open Letter to Kris.

[F]oxymoron said...

Women of the world, hear t2ed roar!!!

Ladies who find this unsolicited advice insulting, please be advised, the National Zoo here in DC is holding a meet & greet at both the Reptile Discovery Center and Amazonia exhibits.

Dress to impress.

t2ed said...

[F]oxy, I've always been very up front that Men are just basically bears in pants and that as a representative of the species, I know nothing.

And is the Amazonia exhibit the one with all those hot native women?

Arjewtino said...

There is someone for everyone. Even for Charles.

Iwanski said...

Choices, choices.

Roxrocks said...

I've never wanted to be a princess. I've always wanted to be King, which kind of explains a lot about my personality, doesn't it?

After twenty years together, my hubby still gives me heart flutters. Usually when he's dumping cold water into my nice hot shower. Bastards!

lostinutah said...

I settled the first time I got married. What a damn frog he turned out to be.

Did much better this time.

Kate said...

Don't settle. I need to have that tattooed on my forearm or something, so I don't end up doing that very thing. I've been close. Oh. So. Close.