Tuesday, October 21, 2008

If You Want To Be Happy For the Rest of Your Life

There's lots of things I don't get: liquid soap, Twittering, televised bad karoake, the icy grip that procedural crime dramas have on the American psyche. But I really don't get all the opposition to gay marriage.

Because I work on the intertubes (making the world a better place one website at a time), I periodically get asked to do thing that are stupid. Or just repugnant. So when I got asked to do some search engine optimization for a site advocating Proposition 8, I might have done exactly what they wanted.

Prop 8, if you hadn't heard, is a California proposal that will make marriage equal one man and one woman. Essentially, they're trying to outlaw gay marriage by defining what is marriage. And we're going to take our cues from California? Seriously, they've got it all figured out? Taking your political direction from California is like asking O.J. Simpson for legal advice. Sure there's some prior experience, but is that really the direction you want to go?

Now, I don't know that much, but if the only thing you have to worry about is whether two people are doing whatever it is that makes them happy, you need to wake up. Really, that's your biggest concern? Log on and check your 401k; that'll give you something to worry about. I don't have a 401k anymore, it's a 201k.

Anyhow, when I got asked for some suggestions for keywords to help this site get some traffic, I'm not they got what they wanted.

Possible suggestions:
  • homophobes
  • latent homosexuality
  • oppressors
  • majority tyranny
  • slow
  • dim-witted
  • lame

You get the idea.

Now I'm probably not going to change anyone's opinion with this little diatribe. And wow, I haven't even worked in a dick joke or a bacon reference yet. Clearly, I'm off my game. But gay people should have the same right to be miserable that everyone else does. Once you finally meet that person you want to drive crazy the rest of your life, you should be able to do it no matter their sexual orientation. Why should the breeders be the only people with the chance to give away half their stuff after 5 to 7 years?

And I'm really looking forward to my first gay wedding. That's going to be like a pageant! It'll make the Orange Bowl half time show look like an elementary school production of Fiddler on the Roof. Talk about a boost for the economy. Do you have any idea how much money ice sculptors are going to be pulling in once gay marriage is the norm? I'm already taking lessons to be able to cash in.

But many people are missing out on the best part of legalized gay marriage. The gay marriage divorce reality shows which are sure to come.

You think Judge Joe is entertaining? Just wait.


Arjewtino said...

You know what's better than a gay wedding?

A Jewish gay wedding.

[F]oxymoron said...

I agree. If two human beings want to make each other miserable for a few years, who are we to say no? C'mon people.

Onknees (not_onknees at the moment) said...

Im way ahead of you... I have already become a notary and an ordained minister in the Universal Life Church for the SOLE purpose of officiating at and attending gay weddings and receptions. They should be FABULOUS, not to mention the ice sculptures of course.....

Roxrocks said...

I agree 120%!! Why should straight people be the only ones to suffer?! Hell, the gays are the only people who even WANT to get married anymore. The Right Wing should concentrate on the sinners who are living out of wedlock. Or here's an idea, they should butt the eff out.

Oh, it's going to be a long day.

Anonymous said...

In Florida, it's Prop 2 or something. I sent in my absentee vote a couple weeks ago voting against that same definition. I remember when I was living in FL during the last election, Georgia was voting on the same issue. I watched an interview on the news in which a black woman got on TV and said a bunch of crap about God intending marriage to be between a man and a woman. I really wanted to smack her. 200 years ago, her ancestors were suffering the consequences of rich, white men using the Bible to justify slavery and deny rights to human beings. How's that for self-awareness?

I'm beginning to hate people.

foundinidaho said...

If I had to have a miserable divorce, all people should have that opportunity.

Though my gay friend here in Idaho disagrees with me and think he should not be able to marry. It may be he has been in a Red state too long.