Just In Time

I finally found that perfect gift for my wife for Xmas. Yes, it's Buck the Animated, Signing Trophy Deer. And I would have posted a swell picture of it, but Blogger is being a pain in the arse right now.

Buck sings six different songs: Rawhide, Sweet Home Alabama, Friends in Low Places, Suspicious Minds, On the Road Again and La Grange. And he comes with a remote control and a microphone, so you can make Buck talk with your voice. Man, this is never going to get old after about 30 minutes.

Forget all that stuff I said about jewelry and romantic gifts. I'm sure she's going to love this.

Top 10 Little Known Facts About Rudolph

10. Used the Bumble to "resolve" a messy divorce with Clarisse
9. Changed name to R Diddy
8. Will not work with penguins
7. Loves to "divebomb" the Fortress of Solitude
6. Denies all rumors of friendship with Tom Cruise
5. Won't fly if it's just overcast
4. Bi-weekly antler waxings
3. Refers to Santa's sleigh as "Fatboy 1"
2. Now lives with long-time "friend" Hermey
1. Nose actually the result of cosmetic surgery

Ask Mr. Manners

As the only male who can dine properly (not belch, fart or scratch with the wrong fork while at table), my female friends often turn to me for etiquette advice. And I never receive more questions than about proper holiday etiquette.

So here are some of the recent letters I've been getting from my many, many readers and fans. As far as you know.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I recently held the door for another woman at the post office. Once inside, she got in line in front of me. I was aghast. What should I have done?

Signed,
Slighted in Santa Clara

First, roll your eyes. Unfortunately, because she's in front of you, she won't see that. Next, sigh deeply to indicate that you are displeased with her rude behavior. If she doesn't recognize her behavior as being improper in a civilized society, you may then wrestle her to the floor. If she tries to write a check at the post office, gunplay is both allowable and recommended by the staff.

Dear Mr. Manners:

Someone recently brought boxed wine to a party I was hostessing. What should I have done?

Signed,
Tippling in Topeka

You should have thanked them graciously for the sentiment. Then have your pet urinate in the glass of boxed wine you gave to the cheap bastard who brought ripple to your soiree. Yes, if you don't own a pet, it is perfectly acceptable to use your own urine.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I made purchased a lovely gift for a dear friend of mine. In return, I received a fruit cake. Now what?

Signed,
Fruity in Fort Wayne

Thank them graciously for the sentiment. Then place the fruitcake on the floor and use it as a doorstop for the next year. Give it back to your cheap deadbeat friend next year. Readers may be surprised to learn that there is actually only one fruitcake in the entire world. It has been re-gifted throughout the eons of time.

Dear Mr. Manners:

Another woman and I wore the same cocktail dress to a holiday party. I was so embarrassed by this coincidence, but didn't know what to do. What should I have done?

Signed,
Coutured in Coeur d'Alene

Spill red wine on the hussy.

Dear Mr. Manners:

I have so many festive holiday sweaters. Any advice on which one to wear to my next party?

Signed,
Festive in Fairbanks

By "festive" you mean garish or suitable for Elton John. Don't wear any holiday sweaters unless they really show off your rack.

Mr. Manners says to enjoy your holiday. Remember whether you're celebrating the birth of Sweet Baby Jebus, Ramadan, Kwaanza or Hannukah, there are millions of people who think you're wrong.

Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Santa Claus

Top Ten Little Known Facts About Santa Claus (with apologies to Dave)

10. Called the cops complaining about loud parties next door at the Fortress of Solitude
9. As a result of global warming, now makes his rounds wearing only a red speedo
8. Briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor
7. Often mistaken for John Goodman
6. Was once shot in the face by Dick Cheney during a Christmas Eve "misunderstanding"
5. Stockings aren't the only thing that are "hung"
4. Thinks Regis Philbin's Christmas album sucks
3. 75% jolly, 25% malt liquor
2. Has a permanent case of Snowballs
1. Britney Spears isn't the only one who likes to go without underwear

An Xmas Poem

From the genius that is Paul Gilmartin comes the following.

You may remember him from Dinner and a Movie. He was the funny one, not the annoying one. Or you may know him from various and sundry appearances on the Bob & Tom Show and their various and sundry CD's.

And while he's legendary here in the Great Grey North for his poem, Tim the Diehard Packer fan, he's also holiday topical.

So enjoy a Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin.

Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow,

Buttered rum and mistletoe,

Trimming trees and hanging lights,

The sound of carolers fills the night.

Shopping hours long and hard,

Visa phones and cancels card,

Unpaid bills and mounting debt,

Family gathers, depression sets.

Drinking starts. Harsh words are said,

Dysfunction rears its yuletide head.

Argument turns to shovin',

Drunken brother punches cousin.

Tree tips over popping lights,

Curtains catch, house ignites.

No one hears the reindeer cries,

Wedged in chimney, Santa dies.

Though he kicked,

And did perspire,

His chestnuts roasted,

On an open fire.

Merry Xmas, kids. Hope you're getting to spend it with your famdamily.

Splish Splash, She Was Taking A Bath

Yesterday I read that people who go Christmas shopping are buying more stuff for themselves. That's because you're the best secret Santa for yourself. Nobody knows what you want more than you. Yes, that includes the spanking.

So in that vein, there's still time! Order it now. You can still get this in time for Xmas. Yup, Vibrating Soap. When you're too tired to move that soap all by yourself to work up a lather.

Their web site does a describes it as "your ticket to bath time bliss." It reminds me of the old Mr. Bubble slogan. Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty. I'm envisioning a commercial with a song from the Divinyls. Or maybe Cindy Lauper.

Now I'm not sure if this bathroom accessory is really as innovative, unique or ingenious as the manufacturer claims. Maybe I'll order one for the Wife for Xmas. Sure, some men would be intimidated by Vibrating Soap. I'm not. I'm just hoping it'll get the shower a little cleaner from all the suds.

Of course, you'll never have enough hot water.

Krappy Xmas Muzak

I've been tormenting a few of my closest friends for about 6 years now. Just about every Xmas, I make a holiday CD with the shittiest music I can find. Actually they're not all shitty. It's a combination of humor, crap and "so bad it's good" stuff. The trouble is that it's often impossible to tell which is supposed to be good and which is bad. Yup, they're that bad usually.

I can honestly say that I have more Christmas music than anyone I know. I keep them all in this crappy box (they don't deserve to be in a CD rack) and pull them out when I work on making the CD each year. I usually scour record stores and department stores after the holidays when all this crap is marked down too.

Anyway, this year I scored a couple of gems, Christmas on The Ponderosa and Christmas with the Brady Bunch. Pure crap although the Brady's didn't make the final cut on to the CD this year. It's always good to have something in reserve for next year.

Here's the final, finished, crappy CD (entitled "Still Crappy After All These Years"):

1. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Ray Charles
This one is actually good because I found that if I start people with too bad of a stinker, they can't make it through the rest of the album. Yes, they're that bad.

2. All I Want For Christmas Is You / Olivia Olson
This is from Love Actually and this girl really has some pipes.

3. Let's Put Christ Back In Christmas / Pat Godwin
Pat's a guitar comic who is very funny. This starts with "Frosty the Snowman was Jesus Christ's best friend." An instant classic.

4. Christmas Is All Around / Billy Mack
Also from Love Actually, Billy Mack is the character Bill Nighy plays as a washed up, has been rock and roller who comes back with a Christmas single in an attempt to revive his career. He steals the movie.

5. Another Rock 'n' Roll Christmas / Garry Glitter
This may be so subtle no one gets it (but then, often the jokes are just for me). Putting Garry Glitter right after Billy Mack is a not so funny reference to the washed up rocker (Garry not Billy) who was awaiting trial in Vietnam on charges of sleeping with girls below the age of consent. The ultimate penalty, if convicted, may be death by firing squad. Classy.

6. Deck The Halls / Dan Blocker
This one really sucks. Hoss is way off key and because he talks so slowly, he can't get all of the Fa La La La's out on most of the lines so it become Fa La La. Painful to experience in person.

7. The Christmas Story / Larry The Cable Guy
Just a funny monologue, but he actually refers to the Baby Bejeezus. I'm throwing folks a bone after having to endure Hoss's singing. Plus it's kind of a bumpkin juxtaposition going on.

8. Last Night (I Went Out With Santa Claus) / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Finally another good one, but it does talk about going out partying with Santa. So even the good ones are pretty inappropriate for holidays.

9. The Little Drummer Boy / Johnny Cash
The Man in Black actually did an entire Christmas album. This is an exceptionally bad track because he kind of talks his way through it and the drums are really lame. This may have been when he was on heroin. He sounds like Mr. Ed and is just a bit too slow in the whole song.

10. Christmas On TV / Chris Isaak
A good one again and seemingly an original composition as well. This is also foreshadowing of the major tv motif that is to come. Yes, another too subtle reference which no one but me will get.

11. The Chanukah Song / Adam Sandler
A funny one and not that new, but I needed a bridge to the whole Hebrew thing that is coming.

12. A Goyisha Hanukkah / Pat Godwin (more comedy to lessen the blow that is to come)
Another swell Pat song. This one features boyfriend and girlfriend experiencing cross cultural holidays with each others' families.

13. Santa Got Lost In Texas / Michael Landon [aka Little Joe]
No one will get this. Michael Landon was half Jewish. I don't remember which parent it was, but he was born Eugene Maurice Orowitz in Queens, New York. Most folks will just think this song is incredibly crappy--and they're right.

14. Linus And Lucy / Vince Guaraldi Trio
This is from the Charlie Brown Christmas special and you've probably heard it a million times. If you don't know it, hit Track 4.

15. The Christmas Blues / Dean Martin
The man can really sing and I've never heard this song before. I'd probably label it as a good one.

16. I've Had A Very Merry Christmas / Jerry Lewis
And this man really can't sing. This will make you appreciate how annoying Jerry was when doing his Nutty Professor shtick. This song will make you understand why Deano drank.

17. Santa Clothes / Dean & Jerry
This is actually Bob & Tom doing dead on impressions of the former comedy team. And it's funny one about Santa cross-dressing. I just like how I was able to work a Dean, a Jerry and a Dean & Jerry in together. Again, a joke just for me.

18. Mr. Heatmiser / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
We're into a tv motif here. Not the original from the special, "The Year Without a Santa Claus" but instead a great cover. BBVD rocks it.

19. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch / Brian Setzer
Another great cover. I'm feeling sorry for folks here after subjecting them to Johnny Cash and Dan Blocker. Otherwise there's no way they get two good songs in a row.

20. Frosty The Snowman / Jimmy Durante
The original from the special. A real charmer which should bring back memories. A quick tangent, when my roomie in school grew a moustache, he looked exactly like the evil magician.

21. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Fred Astaire
Another original. It's still amazing to me that someone best known for his dancing is most well known to our generation as a claymation figure who sang.

22. The Evil Santa / Gilda Radner, Bill Murray
A sketch from when they were with the National Lampoon. Gilda plays a little girl who keeps asking Santa for toys and Bill just keeps saying no. Includes the famous phrase "Trap Door" when he dumps her off his lap.

23. Rockabilly Christmas / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Opens with "Santa's got his hair all piled high, swinging his sleigh right through the sky." And you can actually get the chorus stuck in your head. "Rock, rock, rockabilly Christmas." All we need are Jon and Vince for a little swing dancing.

24. Gather Round / Earth Wind & Fire (really bad)
There's something amazingly funny and jarring about EW&F doing a Christmas song. The bass and trumpets are especially odd. Funk and the holidays. Rock on.

25. Blue Christmas / Chris Isaak
A slightly off-kilter take on the Elvis classic. I probably should have put this next to Rockabilly Christmas, but it's even more jarring after Earth, Wind & Fire.

26. Christmas Commentary / Larry The Cable Guy
Larry eventually comes to the conclusion that if you don't participate in Christmas, you shouldn't be able to participate in the advantage of low Christmas prices. "Half off is only for believers of Jesus." Oh, and the Three Wise Men should be allowed to drink beer at the live nativity scenes.

Rock on, kids. If you've got worse ones than these, please let me know.

Flaking Out

I think this is why we invented the interweb.

You can get one too, kids. Play along at home.

Of course, this doesn't look anything like the snow we have here in Michigan. First, it's not stacked up higher than your house. Second, it's not grey.

Oh, Rudy You're So Fine

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tonight (Friday) at 8 pm (check local listings) on CBS. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is even older than me! And while I've written on this topic before, it bears repeating. And I'm too lame to come up with an entirely new set of questions but there is some new stuff.

Make sure to play along at home with your favorite beverage. When Rudolph's nose lights up, take a sip. Rudolph lights up and you're getting lit. You're going to hate seeing that damn Bumble again in the third act.

I've seen this show a kajillion times and can actually recite most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of anyone unfortunate enough to be watching it with me). So I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complex subplots and leitmotifs contained within the show. Don't let Rankin and Bass fool you, they're working on a whole other level here.

Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the unending struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?


• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?


• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern co-educational school system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is still ostracized by the other adolescent reindeer because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Note the prevalence of homo-erotic undertones throughout the reindeer games.


• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the drama. Is Yukon's non-use of his gun an indictment of the War in Iraq?


• The elves' working condictions are representative of the outsourcing of labor outside of the United States. Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits? All the elf women are identical. Is this an early indictment of cloning and stem cell research?


• Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?


• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?


• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?


• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?


• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?


• Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?


• The worst snowstorm ever is clearly an indictment of global warming. Are reindeer a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?


• Yukon Cornelius' quest for silver and/or gold represents man's exploitation and destruction of the environment. Does his failure in his search for depletable mineral resources represent man's losing battle with the environment or merely the resiliancy of the human spirit?

• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left and Hermey and Yukon were left in bed together?


• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Evidence of this is when he pulls the Bumble's teeth to allow for greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?


• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?

• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?

• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
  

• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at societal injustice and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up because that makes the intellectual discussions even better.

Jamaica Me Crazy

Hello, kids! Did I miss anything? Yes, I'm finally back and it's been a shock to the system.

I went from this:

To this:

Had to put the car there for a bit of perspective. That's the snow they plowed in the parking lot by our Shaque D'amour.

Ah, it's good to get away, but it's hell to get back. Trust ya'll had a happy Turkey Day.

And my life will never be a reality show. No one would ever believe it was real and networks don't allow that kind of language on tv. I'm hoping instead to be the wacky neighbor who lives next door and walks in for three minutes of zaniness. Because that's about all most people can take.

A true story from my past:

At a wedding, the bride was chatting with my (then) live in girlfriend and I. She said, "You must just love living with T2ed. He's so funny. I'll bet you just laugh and laugh all the time."

Without missing a beat, my girlfriend replied, "Oh, you'd be surprised."

Hmmm, wonder why that relationship didn't work out?

That's okay, now I'm with my true sweetie. Love is when you finally meet that one, single soulmate who you want to drive crazy the rest of your life.

By the way, who had "3 months" in the Kid Rock & Pam Anderson pool? Boy if those two kids couldn't make it work, what chance do any of us have?

Happy Pranksgiving

Man, I couldn't believe what a pain it was to get a flight out of Rome to Columbus for the Big Game. You'd think a Toledo girl would have more sense than to schedule a wedding for the UM-OSU game. It's every year for crying out loud. Luckily, she liked the monogrammed anal beads with Tom's picture on them and plans on using them with him right away. Hey, I figured that's where his head has been for about the last year anyway. Hopefully when he says "pull" she'll yank like she's starting a lawnmower and that'll be the last we hear from him for a while.

And that kid? Ugh, his height and her talent. Make sure you invest some of your parents' money, Suri.

Well I'm off on my annual soujourn to the sun. Normally, I'd wait till later in the week to post this, but I'm outta here after today and won't be back till December.

Anyway on to our real topic of the day--Thanksgiving Pranks. Here are a couple of classics:

1) Answer the door with the turkey neck hanging out of your fly. Act as if nothing is amiss.

2) Put a Cornish Game Hen inside of your turkey. Upon carving the turkey loudly declare, "Wow, this bird must have been pregnant." This may upset the pro-lifers in attendance so much that they won't have any turkey at all. More for you! If you want to pull a double freak out, put an egg inside the hen as well.

3) When everyone around the table gives thanks, make sure your contribution is "I'm thankful I didn't get caught." Refuse to elaborate.

Later kids. I'll be having some Jerk Turkey with the locals and crashing at this joint. Hope it snows like hell back here in Michigan.

Yup, I'm trading tv, phones and 'puters for snorkeling, Red Stripe and jerk chicken. Doesn't sound like an even swap to me. Enjoy the turkey pot pie and Wild Turkey.

Big Game

If you've been conscious the past three weeks, you may have heard abou the BIG GAME which is happening today. Yup, it's finally here. And if you don't watch the game (including all the pre-game hype) you may actually die.

Now the event has a bit of a shadow over it because of the passing of the former coach. Luckily, our Detroit paper only has two 8 page inserts all about Bo. Even the band formed to hate him, the Dead Schembechlers, has disbanded.

Now I was talking to the head of the local OSU alumni club and he said, "I want to see a body."

Yup, you've got the admire a former coach who'd actually kill himself right before the big game just to fire up the troops. That's dedication.

Too soon? Bullshit. The Arrogant Asses from Ann Arbor would do anything to beat OSU for a change.

Personally, I'm hoping for a 0-0 tie, a bus crash involving both teams and a BCS game for Boise State and Rutgers. If that won't finally get us a football playoff, nothing will.

Holdin' On

There is nothing more magnificent in this great big universe than the choice of hold music your doctor selects.

Currently, I am rocking to the musical stylings of both Hall and Oates. Despite their insistance, however, his kiss is not on my lips. Please check out that link because you'll get to hear the really annoying Christmas album they're pimping.

Is it just me, or does Oates look like Borat in that swell pix over there? All he needs is a grey suit.

High five! Sexy time!

My guess is that if the hold music is so heinous, you won't actually hold on. You're more likely to kill yourself. And that frees up appointments for the rest of us.

Goofy is as Goofy Does

Leave it to the French to take something nice and wholesome and taint it. That's why we love them. At EuroDisney, there was a secret video showing some of the character actors acting up. And by "acting up," I mean simulating sex acts.

Here it is, I'll wait for you. I'd embed it, but it's not possible by the guy (or is that pronounced "Gee") who uploaded it.

I'll never be able to look Minnie in the eye again.

Which reminds me of a very old joke:

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court. The Judge looked over his glasses and said, "Mr. Mouse, I'm afraid that mental illness is not grounds for divorce in the State of Florida."

Mickey replied, "No, your Honor. I don't mean she's crazy, she's fucking Goofy!"

Gawrsh indeed.

On a Long Lonesome Highway, East of Saginaw

For anyone who is interested, yes, Mr. Seger did rock very hard. Here's the set list:

• Roll Me Away
• Tryin' to Live My Life Without You
• Wreck This Heart
• Mainstreet
• Old Time Rock & Roll
• Wait for Me
• Face the Promise
• No More
• Simplicity
• Betty Lou's Getting Out Tonight
• We've Got Tonight
• Turn the page
• Travelin' Man
• Beautiful Loser
• Ramblin' Gamblin' Man
• C'est La Vie
• Answer's In the Question
• Sightseeing
• Sunspot Baby
• Horizontal Bop
• Katmandu

Encore #1

• Night Moves
• Hollywood Nights

Encore #2

• Against the Wind
• Rock and Roll Never Forgets

Yes, we more than got our money's worth. And when he finished Katmandu, Bob said, "Goodnight everybody" exactly like on the Live Bullet album.


My favorite was when the women sitting behind us kept shrieking in a tone reminiscent of nails on a blackboard "Bob Seeeeeeeger" even before the warm up band came out. Luckily, one of the smart asses with us began yelling "Bob Saget" which shut them up for a while.


I had forgotten my rare ability to be seated adjacent to the biggest assholes in the entire show. I also liked when someone physically touched our group and said, "Get up, guys." Yeah, because I just can't enjoy a good show until the people in front of me stand up. Yes, I knew the length of the show and was pacing myself, Sgt. Hulka. I waited until Old Time Rock and Roll to get up and rock. Luckily the alcohol soon took effect and they tuckered themselves out and settled in for a nice nap. And no one hurled around us.


Wife and I did not dance the Bear Hug during We've Got Tonight. It would have been just like high school because they played that song at every stinking dance I ever attended.


Everyone did know all the words to all the songs. That was also the oldest crowd I've ever seen at any music concert anywhere. Bob still can't dance, but he can punch with the best of them. Alto Reed still moves and wails on the sax.


And to the hardest rockin' Gramma in the greater mid-west who danced the entire show even the times she was sitting in her seat and her husband was dozing next to her, you rock, Meemaw.

ESPNWHO?

I'd just like to take a moment to thank the fine folks at ESPNWHO for giving me my Saturday afternoons back.

If you haven't heard of ESPNWHO, it's by the same folks who brought you Mobile ESPN. You know, the defunct cell phone service that lasted less than a year. ESPNWHO is in an estimated 8 millions homes. Luckily, I'm not one of them.

So I can quit suffering the losses of my alma mater. I didn't want to watch Senior Day on television and see the poor kids who suffered through another disappointing season in which their coach got fired.

You know the same big, tough kids who still managed to tear up when talking about their departed coach.

You know the same kids who staged the biggest comeback in NCAA Division 1 football history.

You know the kids who need to win their last two games to go to some lame pre-New Year's bowl game like the Motor City Bowl.

And a winter bus ride to downtown Detroit would be a real reward for some kids who have never been in a bowl game during their collegiate career because the program is in such disarray.

So thank you ESPNWHO. I'm getting some laundry done while listening to the golden tones of George Blaha. He's the only announcer who lets you know your favorite team is moving left to right across your radio dial. And yes, they're already losing and the starting quarterback was hit so hard it broke his helmet and he's been knocked loopy with a concussion and is out of the game. What a way to end your career. Somehow, that's perfectly fitting for this season.

So that's a lot of stress in my life I don't need.

But I'm not sure if I should be concerned that the cheerleaders new cheer is:

There's no rhyme

There's no reason

We can't wait

For basketball season.

Hope your teams are doing better this weekend my fellow alums.

Old Time Rock & Roll

Normally living in the hinterland doesn't lend itself to great concerts. Unless it's at the nearby clip joint (which tends to skew more toward the country crowd), it's at least a two hour drive to Detroit.

Luckily, Bob Seger is a local boy and giving a bit back to the farmers and musically deprived by playing in Saginaw tonight. The arena only holds about 7,000 so it's going to be an intimate evening with the man from K-k-k-k-k-k-katmandu. Yup, we're lucky enough ducks to score the second show on the tour.

And reviews from the debut in Grand Rapids say Bob is the hardest rocking 61 year old in the Midwest. Bob plays for more than 2 hours with multiple encores. Too bad the concert isn't sponsored by Chevy as payback for his long running Like a Rock song. Luckily it is sponsored by the Amigo.

And if you haven't scored his latest album, Face the Promise, it rocks. Providing you still like rock and roll that is. It's nice that someone still plays rock and roll.

I've always liked his faster stuff than the slow stuff. I'll confess to never really liking Turn the Page that much, but absolutely love Katmandu, Old Time Rock and Roll, Sunspot Baby, Hollywood Nights and too many to list here. Let's hope he plays a lot of the fast stuff.

And I've got to hit an inconvenience store (all the stuff is on really high shelves) and score a lighter for the encore. No holding up a cell phone for this boy. We're rocking old school tonight.

Rock and roll ,my brothers and sisters. Now put down that candlestick holder and quit dancing in your underwear just because your parents are out of town.

My Haiku

I'm not sure I've got the power or prosaic skills to keep this up or I'd have called it Weekly Haiku.

But after a recent visit to Tar-jay, I couldn't take it anymore.

After Hallowe'en

Trees and lights are on display

God damn retailers.

I am emotionally unprepared for the Yule season. But seeing snowflake decorations while you're still raking the damn leaves should be against the law. Maybe the Dems can take care of this now that they're in charge.

Just wait till they start ringing those fucking bells! Bah, humbug. And it's only November 9th.

There's also going to be a new Shrek Xmas special. I don't know how good it will be, but maybe it'll give Rudolph and A Christmas Story a run for their money.

Fed X

You've probably been basking in the sweet, lazy afterglow of the election. Slowly sliding your ballot into the slot. Achingly poked that little pin through the holes in the ballot while your hands shook with the joy of executing your civic contract with America. And if that's not an analogy for what's going to happen to the electorate, I don't know what is.

We should hold the General Election on April 16th. I'm certain we'd see a lot more creative fiscal policies if everyone who just had to write a check was punching ballots the next day.

But you may have missed the most important news of the day: Britney and Kevin Federline are no more. Yes, our generation's Eddie Fisher has been given his walking papers. Miss Brit filed for divorce yesterday.

Boy if those two kids can't make it work, what chance do any of us have? Who had less than two years in the pool? Maybe she finally heard his album. Po po zow? Po-po-thetic. But I doubt she decided to do this just because of the petition.

Election Eve

It's Election Eve in America and I'll really miss the campaign commercials. Now I'm a traditionalist, so we only are allowed to vote one time today and then we'll vote a whole bunch of times tomorrow. I'm sure the local tv outlets love this time of the year because it's got to be really easy to peddle the time.

In Michigan we're facing tons of crap with 5 proposals on the ballot including one about bird hunting. Seriously, we've got that whole automotive economic thing whipped, but we're struggling with what birds we should kill. I'm not making this up. Proposal 3 is "A Referendum on Dove Hunting."

One of the commercials claims there is a powerful lobby from California forcing one of the proposals on us. I can't remember which one because I leap for the fast forward button whenever this comes on. Yes, it's some cabal of high-powered entertainment types in California whose cunning plan is to get some legislation passed in Michigan in their quest to conquer the world.

One of the geniuses I know thinks the best way to run for office is to make something up, then come out against it, then accuse your opponent of not being against it. Your campaign platform could be to outlaw monkeys attacking babies. Your opponent will rightly point out that there have, in fact, been no monkey-baby attacks in the state of Michigan. Then you then accuse him of being in the pocket of the powerful monkey lobby. It's a sure fire winning strategy.

Get out there and vote tomorrow, kids. If you don't vote, you can't complain. And we all know how much fun it is to complain about the government full time. Remember the immortal words of Joe Walsh: A vote for me, is a vote for me. Make sure your dead relative vote too.

What's the Title of that Song?

For some reason, I did this about 3 months ago and then never posted it. Man I hate when that old war wound flares up. I remember the battle of Chun King like it was yesterday. Where's my parade?

Anyway, enjoy the moldy old while I try to get my hands around Blogger Beta.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Lance Bass coming out, boy bands (and jokes thereof) have been on my mind.

Q) What's Lance Bass's new band?
A) In Steve

Q) Did you hear Lance Bass, Elton John, Boy George and George Michael have a new boy band? A) The Backdoor Boys.

Q) What will Elton John's nom de rap be?
A) Notorious F.A.G.

But the quartet Da Vinci's Notebook took it one better a few years ago. Here are the lyrics to Title of the Song:

Declaration of my feelings for you
Elaboration on those feelings
Description of how long these feelings have existed
Belief that no one else could feel the same as I

Reminiscence on the pleasant times we shared
And our relationship's perfection oh oh
Recounting of the steps that led to our love's dissolution
Mostly involving my unfaithfulness and lies

Penitent admission of wrongdoing
Discovery of the depth of my affection
Regret over the lateness
Of my epiphany

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of
The Title of the Song

Enumeration of my various transgressive actions
Of insufficient motivation
Realization that these actions led to your departure
And my resultant lack of sleep and appetite

Renunciation of my past insensitive behavior
Promise of my reformation uh huh
Reassurance that you still are foremost in my thoughts now
Need for instructions how to gain your trust again

Request for reconciliation
Listing of the numerous tasks that I'd perform
Of physical and
Emotional compensation

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs
Repetition of
The Title of the Song

Acknowledgement that I acted foolishly
Increasingly desperate pleas for your return
Sorrow for my infidelity
The vain hope that my sins are forgivable

Appeal for one more opportunity
Drop to my knees to elicit a crowd response
Praise to my chosen deity
Modulation and I hold a high noooooote

Title of the song
Naïve expression of love
Reluctance to accept that you are gone
Request to turn back time
And rectify my wrongs

Repetition of the
Title of the Song
Title of the Song
Title of the Song

Bye Bye John L

Wanted: Division 1A Coach with prior experience who will not squander 17 point leads to Notre Dame. History-making comebacks not required. Alumnae preference is for coach who will not spot teams 38 points. Conference USA coaches need not apply. Must be comfortable with being second banana to basketball coach.

Send salary requirement and offensive schemes to bigron34@msu.edu.

Your Dog Hates You

Halloween is full upon us. Costumes are out at all the inconvenience stores (everything is up on a really high shelf just out of reach), pumpkins are at gas stations, candy is on sale for the oncoming urchin horde. Kids, don't take candy from strangers. Unless you're in a costume, then it's okay.

But if you're thinking about doing this to your dog, you need to be smacked.

Your dog doesn't want to dress up like Princess Leia and all the other dogs are going to make fun of him. Even if it is the only day your dog can dress like a whore and get away with it.

I don't care how cute you think it is, it's just wrong. He won't even be able to look the other dogs in the eye as they sniff his butt. And no one wants a dog with low self esteem.

Searching in All the Wrong Places

Someone I know has renounced the seduction that is Site Meter. I, however, have an addiction that needs no cure. If loving Site Meter is wrong, I don't want to be right.

Without SiteMeter, how would I know that I'm first in this, the best search ever?

Carey Lowell's hair

Now, I don't know who is looking for this type of very important interweb information. But that some poor bastard was looking for info on Carey Lowell's hair and instead found my stupid post makes me very, very happy.

No, he didn't leave a comment. Sniff. But I know it was Richard Gere.

Unfortunately, I'm way down the list in this search:

how to fondle breasts

At least I've got something to work for. But if you're using the interweb to figure out how to fondle breasts, you've probably got some learning to do. Try kissing a girl first, Trekkie.

And no, all my posts aren't about boobies. It just seems that way sometimes.

On Internet Dating

#8 On Internet Dating

Someone asked me what I thought about internet dating.

First, I think it’s a misnomer. It’s the interweb, but it’s not dating. It’s typing. There’s a big difference between typing and dating. Though both could give you carpal tunnel syndrome if it's not ergonomically correct. There's a big difference between a pen pal and a partner.

I’ve never actually dated anyone I met over the interweb. I was lucky enough to meet my wife in the Dark Ages when you actually had to talk to people and get them drunk to trick them into liking you. Now you can e-stalk people and think about what you want to say to your prospective mate (or page) via email (or IM). I’m of the opinion that people are a lot bolder in print than they are in real life. And you’re less likely to get slapped or a drink thrown in your face over the web.

Second, I completely understand and advocate the use of the interweb to meet the right person. The trouble is the people. Because I embrace (and love) technology, using a database to find someone with common interests makes perfect sense to me.

When I was in college, I had a major crush on a girl whom I only knew from afar. Then we had a “Screw Your Roommate” dinner on our dorm floor. Luckily Screw Your Roommate is not literal since I roomed with an Air Farce ROTC candidate. Instead, you set each other up with blind dates for dinner. Surprisingly, it’s very easy to find a blind date for someone else. You’re not so picky when you’re not going out with someone. But paybacks are hell. Anyway, my roomie set me up with my crush. She turned out to chew gum while we drank wine (classy), be a Socialist, and not be very bright. Now had I known these three swell attributes about whom I longer for from afar, I’d have probably told my roomie to zag. If I'd have had the interweb, I could have opted for someone who liked their gum after their wine not at the same time.

So when when you fill out (and read) those swell profiles on interweb dating sites, you’re probably going to err a bit in your favor. I don’t know anyone who would volunteer that they were dim. They might tell you that they like Ernest movies and Hee Haw. You’ll have to read between the lines and deduce that they’re not too bright.

So you have to be able to know what people really mean when they use adjectives to describe themselves. Here’s the universal translator for men's profiles:

• Weight proportionate to height = fat
• Husky = really fat
• Slim = bulimic
• Slender = skinnier than you
• Skinny = crack addict
• Fun loving = likes to drink
• Spontaneous = like to drink a lot
• Entrepreneur = drop out
• Educated = still paying off student loans 15 years later
• Striking good looks = ugly
• Handsome = egomaniac
• Nurturing = Still lives with Mom
• In touch with his feelings = cries during sex
• Knows How to Treat a Lady = Gay
• Athletic = Likes to watch football all weekend
• Into S&M = Sports & Music (seriously that's what that stands for)

Despite that very helpful list, you need to actually meet someone if you’re ever going to know if you can get along. Before you have an interview with the threat of sex, it's just typing and you're just pen pals.

Pulling an All-Nighter

If there had been more scientific studies like his one, I'd have studied a lot harder:

Educated women have more orgasms

Now I don't know much about keeping kids in school (other than using bigger fences), but it seems like publicizing the results of this study might work.

This was an Australian survey so I don't know if there's been any statistical adjustment for being down under (so to speak). And they used a phone survey with researchers from Sussex University (home of the Crumpet Wagglers) in England and the Universities of Sydney (Foster's Chuggers) and Melbourne (Fightin' Platypi) in Australia.

Now aside from the ancillary benefit of letting researchers ring up unsuspecting folks and subject them to the questions contained in the "Sexual Practices at Last Heterosexual Encounter and Occurrence of Orgasm in a National Survey" survey, there were some interesting findings:

• Men experienced an orgasm during their last sexual encounter 98.4% of the time (that seems low)
• Women experienced an orgasm during their last sexual encounter 68.9% of the time (why didn't they just round up to 69% and have a good snicker)
• 14.2% of respondents experienced an orgasm during the actual survey

Okay, I made that last one up.

It is expected, however, that as a result of the survey, all three schools will have a swelling in their graduate degree programs.

The study also found women were more likely to reach orgasm if they used sex toys or had sex more than twice a week. Well, duh. If you have sex twice a week, you've increased your chance to have an orgasm 100% more than if you had sex just once a week. Despite what you read in Penthouse, there's not a lot of accidental orgasming going on amongst women. That's the fact, Jack regardless of how educated you are. I'm not even going to touch the sex toys, because I don't know where they've been.

I always knew there was a reason I liked smart girls. Now get out there and start studying, ladies.

Lest I Forget

There was a guy wearing a real conductor's hat on the train. But only 33% of the observed workers on the train wore official train wear. The other two (older, more experienced, perhaps wiser and smarter) gentlemen declined to partake in the fabulous hatwear.

For a while, until we had to get on the bus. Then he continued to wear it even though we were on a bus. Isn't there some sort of Conductor Code that prevents you from wearing a hat like that if you're not really on a train.

And a lady asked Conductor Petey (my guess at his name) how late we would be now that we were having to take a bus and drive to all the goofy, out of the way stops that required a bus to drive on windy, single lane roads that a straight train track could have normally reached in half the time.

The Lady said, "When will we get in? I've got a connection at the airport."

His answer, "That depends on when we get to the station."

Slow down, Petey. You're losing me. I guess there's probably a reason you're wearing that hat and punching tickets on the bus.

Godspeed, Petey.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can

Didn't get to post much last week as I was travelling on bidness and was too lame to fight with the 'puter whilst on the road.

Now despite my many travels and travails, I have never taken a train to a destination. Unless you're counting the monorail to the Epcot Center. So I decided I'd save Virtucon the $900 to fly for a two day trip and take a 4 hour train ride instead. I could have driven, but because I wanted a bit of adventure and didn't want to hassle with downtown parking, the Great Train Experiment was launched.

As I had never Amtracked, I was pleasantly surprised. Getting on the train was surprising easy. You grab your bags (and don't even need to show a ticket to get onboard), get your seat and go to it. The seats were surprisingly large--much, much bigger than a plane. And because the typical train traveller isn't that plentiful, everyone who wanted their own row had one. Most folks were sprawled out sleeping for the 7:30 am departure. There were also electrical outlets so you could plug in and do some work or some iPodding and GameBoying.

I had just settled in and was enjoying the new experience when the Great Adventure came to a halt. There had been a derailment up ahead so we had to take a bus the rest of the way. Woo hoo. Yup, you should have driven, dummy.

Now because there were several cars on the train, I had somehow missed the guy who I got seated next to on the bus. And I'm not sure how I missed him in the station because he was definitely someone who was hard to overlook. His attire consisted of:

• black and white zebra-striped Chuck Taylor hi tops (these had to be homemade)
• grey thermal long johns
• brown leather shorts
• black and white plaid flannel shirt
• black hooded sweatshirt
• black leather jacket with silver studs on the shoulders
• black fingerless gloves (which obscured just enough of the tops of his knuckles so I couldn't read his tattoo of letter on each finger
• spiked hair (black naturally)
• back of neck tattoo which looked kind of like barbed wire but was supposed to be some sort of symbol
• a wispy hanging beard (not a van dyke but more of a Shaggy on just the chin)
• an even wispier moustache

And he rocked back and forth and bobbed his head. This began before he started listening to his CD player. It continued for the remainder of the trip.

I was a little disappointed that Spike (I so named him) never talked to me. Sure I wasn't dressed like Sid Vicious, but I'm a rebel at heart. It's not like I was wearing a suit and tie. And I know that he'd have somehow worked "Rock and Roll" into something he said. And I would have responded with "Smooth Jazz." Bless you, Greg Warren.

The train ride home was uneventful. Thank you sweet baby jebus for taking pity on me after two days of business meetings and my having to pretend to be responsible, normal and not evil.

Except for that time I freaked the couple on the elevator out. They were staying on the 14th floor and I told them it was really the 13th floor but they just skipped a number to trick people. That was just evil light.

I will now return to my appointed toil and try not to focus on either the Tigers quest for the World Series, the Lions first win or the Spartans descent into hellishness.

Happy Monday.

On Fearlessness

# 7 On Being Fearless (or at least confident)

Dating is just an interview with the threat of sex. You’re both on your best behavior. You may have a discrepancy or two on the old resume. While there’s a fine line between outright prevarication and slight exaggeration, do try to work that casual reference to the Nobel Committee into conversation. You didn’t actually say you won the prize, you just mentioned the Committee. See the distinction?

But you’ve got an opening to fill. Depending upon how you’ve advertised your position, you may have lots of applicants. Or you may have a more specialized niche which needs a highly qualified candidate. Some women just want a man. Others was a post-graduate degreed, Italian-speaking, non-sports watching man who likes to give foot massages. Obviously, these are two very different types of applicants. You should be working your network of contacts. Nothing is better than a great referral. This is why people pay good money for headhunters. They help weed out a lot of unqualified applicants.

Now think about the last time you interviewed someone. Yes, your last interview, not your last date. We all remember how that went. If you didn’t get to do the interviewing, think about the interviewer. That’s the mindset we want. The interviewer wasn’t nervous at all was she? That’s because she’s in charge, Marge. Have you ever seen a nervous interviewer? Doesn’t happen. That’s because it can’t happen. You're in charge. Be fearless. You've got to go from being that shy nun to that super-efficient governess to whip those kids into shape.

That’s the same attitude you’ve got to have in dating. You’ve got to separate the good candidates from the bad ones. You’re the owner, operator and CEO of this little company we call MeDate Industries, LLC. You’ve got a fiduciary responsibility to your heart to get the best man to put on this job. There are lots of people who want this opening. It’s your job to sort them out. You can’t be shy or hesitant. Don't know what to say? Start with "Hi." It's that easy with us men. We don't care about what you said, we're just happy you're talking to us at all.

Look them in the eye, size them up. Are they shifty or nervous? That’s a possible felon. Sketchy about their background? Possible jail time. Long gaps in memory? Drug use or blackout drinker. This is the time to go digging for some dirt while you can still get the straight scoop. Once they’re hired, they’re much tougher to fire.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? What’s your biggest flaw? How do you deal with a conflict? What do you bring to this organization that’s different from all the other candidates? All those bullshit questions that everyone better have a prepared answer for. Why are you looking to date someone right now? There better be a good answer there.

Unfortunately, you can’t just go down your checklist, make your notes and then say, "Okay, we’ll get back to you if we’re interested. This process takes a couple of weeks." You’ve got to be sly about it and ask questions in passing instead of making it look like an interrogation.

You’re the one making this decision. You’ve got to project an air of confidence. If they think the company is going down the pipes, they may not want to sign on for this task. And unfortunately, you’re never going to get the really candid answers you want to your questions.

You’re going to have to do a lot of behavioral observation here. There’s a great scene in The Rachel Papers where Dexter Fletcher finally gets to see what Ione Skye is really like. And everyone is like that. Everyone’s got some annoying habit that may drive you up the wall. It may be tunelessly singing or dropping makeup removal cotton balls on the floor instead of the garbage can which is RIGHT THERE DAMMIT or pathological lying. The trouble is no one will volunteer this information. You’re going to have to divine it. You don’t have time for anything less than being confident if you're going to figure this all out.

Trust me, you’re in control. Take careful mental notes. Watch what they do, not what they say. Thank him for his time and tell him you'll let him know in a few weeks if you're interested. There are lots of candidates out there. Start sorting them out. You're in charge so you'd better act like it.

(Editor's note: Sorry about the lack of images. Blogger is being cranky with my graphical enhancements today.)

On Rebounding

#6 On Rebounding

Chances are if you’ve ever dated for a while, you’ve also not dated for a while. And this break in the action (so to speak) may be the result of someone telling you they don’t want to date you anymore. If you’re one of the lucky ones who have never been on the receiving end of this emotional roundhouse kick to the kidneys, count yourself blessed. If, on the other hand, you’re like the majority of the population and have received your walking papers and been placed on the love market, you know how painful it can be.

You’ve got to put it behind you and say screw them. If he can’t see what a catch I am, it’s his loss. There are plenty of fish in the sea and I deserve better than a minnow anyway.

Some people choose to look at involuntary free agency as a bad thing. This is not our approach. We are going to look at your new single status as freeing and uplifting. Now is the time you get to do whatever you want. You’re out of committee. You don’t have to negotiate with anyone prior to taking action. This is only a phase so don’t go nuts. You’re free, not a hermit. Your newfound freedom will eventually pass, but do what you want for now. It’s time to be a little selfish for you.

First take your ex’s number out of your cell. You don’t want to be tempted into a drink and dial situation. And you’re definitely going to be doing some drinking.

You should also be prepared to do any and all of the following:

• Order what you want on your pizza (and do not get what you always used to get aka the compromise pizza)


• Watch all those Gilmour Girls episodes that are on your TIVO


• Go see the chick flick (instead of Jackass 2 that he would have dragged you to)


• Enjoy seeing the toilet seat down all the time


• Sleep in the middle of the bed


• Sit in the good chair


• Eat the last dim sum


• Get a massage (with any luck from a hot guy and not that bulky, scary German lady)


• Talk about your feelings whenever you want


• Finally have a threesome and make sure he knows he wasn’t in it


• Watch any made for tv movie on Lifetime or Oxygen (extra points for anything with Meredith Baxter Birney)


• Find someone who looks just like him and have a little hate hump. Don’t ever call that doppleganger back.


• Go out with his boss. Or brother. Or best friend. Depending upon your level of spite perhaps all three maybe even at the same time. Then dump them. It’s not fair, but it’s effective.

The first guy you meet after this time will be like the Fortinbras to your past Hamlet. Do not fall into this trap. You’re rebounding. You’re just happy to be back in the game. This man won’t be your density, McFly. But it will be the chance to get your sea legs, realize you’re still a hot property on the Monopoly Love Market, pass go and collect $200.

Now you’re ready for further punishment. Get out there and start dating again.

Editor's Note: This is a reprise (okay, rerun) of something I did long ago. This new version would have been better, but my publicist thought I took an overdose of sleeping pills.

Have a Great Summer

If you were lucky enough to go to Wayne High School (home of the Warriors) in Huber Heights, Ohio, I hope you finally got your yearbook.

That's because Jeanne Sterling, the Teacher Advisor for the yearbook, did a little grading of her own. Isn't the Yearbook Advisor always one of the cool teachers?

Unfortunately for the administration, Jeanne was retiring after 35 years of service. And she wasn't pulling any punches when she took the opportunity to give some not so swell grades.

Students in general got a "C" grade for students because of their unwillingness to pay attention and lack of effort. D students everywhere celebrated by skipping school that day.

Huber Heights School Superintendent Bill Kirby and his ability to run a school district got the Big F. I guess we'll be seeing you during the summer, Mr. Kirby. Stay out of trouble this summer, you slacker. The Warriors are watching you.

Now I'm not one of those obsessed people who still bear a grudge against everyone who ever slighted them in high school. In fact, I'm one of the "whereabouts unknown" at my old school according to the one person I still talk to now and then.

But how cool would it have been to put all the nasty stuff you'd ever been thinking about in the yearbook instead of "You're too cool 4 school. Call me. See you at the Carousel of Miami Valley Beauty College in the Fall." (Seriously, that's the closest institution of higher learning in Huber Heights).

What would you have put in your year book if you thought you could get away with it?

I might have gone with: Later, losers. I'm blowing this pop stand, travelling the world and expanding my mind beyond the realm of the small minded and ill informed. Enjoy getting pregnant too soon, married too young, and divorced too late.

Anyone have a good sign off for high school?

I'll Be The Judge of That

In Helsinki, Finland Judge Hesse Hakki ruled that charging someone $25,500 euros (that's about $32,000) to fondle breasts was excessive. In the Judge's defense, the fondler was a demented 74 year old man. But it did occur upon 10 separate ocassions. That's only about $1600 a breast then.

Now I find this amazing. First, apparently it's okay to charge people to fondle your breasts in Finland. Having never been to Finland, I don't know what goes on there. But it would seem that the Finland Tourism Council is missing a real opportunity to market here. This really ought to help their tourism.

Second, I love that the Judge ruled "Based on general life experience alone, it is indisputably clear that a 25,500 euro charge is disproportionate to the compensation in question."

How does Judge Hakki know that being charged $3200 to fondle someone's breasts is excessive unless he's gotten a better deal in the past? "Indisputably clear" means you can't even argue with that ruling. Unfortunately the Hackmaster doesn't tell us what he thinks is fair to pay to fondle some breasts. I've never paid to fondle breasts, but what does dinner and a movie count as?

Maybe fondling an outstanding pair of breasts is worth more than $3200? Would someone pay more to fondle Scarlett Johansson's breasts than Betty White's? I think we'd all agree that there's some qualitative qualifications here. There's nothing in the ruling to indicate whether the fondlee was of some exceptional quality as to be worth more compensation or not. That the woman has her man pimping her out for fondling sessions seems to indicate not.

And if Scarlett Johansson was in a Cleavacious? Forget about it. Those girls would have to be in the locked and upright position at all times. With Scarlett Johansson in a Cleavacious, I'll bet we could conquer Fundamentalist Islamic Hatemongering in our lifetime. Before anyone would be allowed on a plane they'd have to look at Ms. Johansson in a Cleavacious. That would sort things out. And we'd be able to keep our contact lens solution in our carry on bag too.

But I digress...

How much is fair to pay to fondle breasts? Heck in N'awlins you get a free look just for cheap plastic beads. Maybe we could do like a breasticle Ebay where people could bid on how much they'd pay for fondling privileges. We could call it eBoob. This would make John Maynard Keynes proud. It would be the free market at work. You'd finally know what people would pay to fondle. And you didn't really think I'd go with a pix of Keynes when I could work in Scarlett Johansson did you?

It's really an age old question. So how much should people pay for fondling?

Finally a Knockout Movie

German film director Uwe Boll finally got in a few punches of his own. You may know Boll as the director of movies typically adapted from video games. He's done classics such as House of Dead, Alone in the Dark and Bloodrayne. Yeah, they were all stinkers and critically planned. Hard to believe. I'll confess to having seen none of those movies and don't remember the video games either.

Well Raging Boll (yes I stole that but it was just too good) challenged his critics. He fought four of them in Vancouver. And Uwe kicked their collective asses. Uwe beat up Richard Kyanka, Jeff Sneider, Chris Alexander and Nelson Chance Mintner. Yes, there is video of this over at Youtube. What did we do before the interweb? I have not watched any of these so don't know if it's too gross or what.

Now I don't know any movie critics other than Richard Roeper, Gene Shalit and Roger Ebert. And none of these gentlemen seem to me likely to excel at the sweet science. So whether or not Uwe knew anything about fisticuffs, his adversaries didn't seem likely to be stout warriors in the ring.

Quote of the story from critic Sneider:

"Then he started beating the crap out of my head," he said. "I think he's a jerk. This might be PR but I don't want to keep getting punched in the head."

This whole challenge misses the point. The critics shouldn't have been the ones fighting Uwe. It should have been anyone in the audience unfortunate enough to see any of his movies. Beating up the critics is like picking on the little brother of the girl who won't date you. I'm sure there is a large gentleman who likes the horror genre who was disappointed in Uwe's zombie movie. And I'd like to give this gentleman the opportunity to show his displeasure with the director.

If we do go this route and allow artists to engage in fisticuffs with their detractors, you know Clint Eastwood is never going to get a bad review. I don't care if he is 76, no one will want to mess with him.

And you know once we're allowed to punch directors, actors will be next. You'd better watch your back, Steve Guttenberg for a little something I call Police Academy Hell.

Any directors or actors you'd like to punch?

Lack of Commitment

#5 On Lack of Commitment

Someone asked, "What if it's been 10 months and he won't commit?"

That depends upon what you want him to commit to. Going steady? Exclusive dating? Monogamy? Marriage? Living together? Being institutionalized? Getting those matching tattoos? Remember how well that worked out for Roseanne and Tom.

But seriously folks, 10 months is probably long enough to figure out where a relationship is going. I'm saying probably because it depends upon your particular circumstances. I know a girl who lived with a guy and she wouldn't ever go the bathroom when he was around. Seriously, she had to wait until he left early for work so she could finally bust a grumpy. If you're in this kind of relationship CandyLand where bodily functions do not exist and everyone is still on their best behavior, 10 months may not be enough.

More than likely it is though. After 10 months you ought to have some idea if this is the person you want to drive crazy the rest of your life. I'm speaking from experience here. I was on the clock before I asked Wife to marry me. There was a timetable which I didn't know about. Luckily I got in my proposal before the clock ran out. Yet another example of my complete cluelessness where it comes to women. To this day she hasn't told me how much longer I had to pop the question. I'm pretty sure it wasn't another 10 months though.

I'm always amazed when I hear stories about people who have dated for 6 years. What the hell? How can you not have some idea whether you can co-exist by this time? It's also part of the reason that people should be forced to live together before they get married. Think of it as a Learner's Permit for Love. If you've never had to share a 1000 square foot house in the dead of winter, it may sound romantic. If you're with the wrong person, it'll be The Shining.

That wonderful person you admire so may be the one. Or it may be the person who can't fold laundry correctly, pees on the floor, is unable to see the garbage is full and farts in bed. You're only going to get to discover these lovable little "quirks" under extended behavioral observation. You're Jane Goodall with her own personal ape. Don't be ashamed to use a clip board and take extensive notes for your research. Remember that Bobby and Whitney got along at one point too.

If it's been 10 months, you probably have an idea where this relationship should be going. What's his idea? Ask him. And don't ask it in a confrontational way like it's Relationship SVU and you're going to sweat a confession out of him. Ask him after a session of red hot monkey love and you should get a straight answer. Or you could pump a couple of drinks into him and let the interrogation begin. Don't forget your bright light and a rubber hose.

I hope that helps, 10 month questioner.

I'm Not Going to Try It, You Try It

I've seen something new in my recent trips to the wonderful beverage store just down the road from Virtucon. Location, location, location, kids.

I'll admit that my marketing skills are a bit rusty, but this name caught my eye as something that might not have been tested too well.

I'm going to officially go on record that I will never put anything called Hard Creamer in my mouth. I'm sure it's a refreshing malt beverage just like the press release claims, but I'm not trying it.

Maybe it's just for the ladies and gay men? I could never be gay. I don't even like that gum that squirts in your mouth.

I wish I could have found a better image, but I got some really odd returns when I searched for Hard Creamer online.

Anyone tried a Hard Creamer lately? Please feel free to insert your naughty response in the comments.

Monkey Shines

Now I loves me the animal shows. I could watch Animal Planet all day long. Much longer than I could handle actually going out into nature and trying to interact with all the stuff that can hurt you. Or pee on you. Or eat you. And many a time I've actually said out loud (in my best Veruca Salt voice), "I want a monkey." Extra points are awarded for having hands on hips and stomping a foot at the same time as the declaration.

But I don't love animals so much that I'd actually try to bring a monkey back into the country so I could hug it and squeeze it and love it forever. That's just what happened when Robert Cusack came back into the country from Thailand.

Going out on a limb here, these smugglers probably weren't rocket scientists. Because they actually had rare birds in a suitcase and then opened the suitcase. That's like something from out of a bad sitcom. Way to go, Han Solo. You're quite the smuggler.

But being able to confess that you've got monkeys in your pants has to score you some points with the Customs Agents. Especially with the female officers. "Excuse me, is that a monkey in your pants or are you just happy to see me?"

I've also got to think that's there's more valuable merchandise you can bring back into the country than live animals. Especially when you wind up just giving the animal to an ex-girlfriend. That's a real money making scheme, criminal genius.

And if we're reading about these guys, just imagine how many other people get away with having wild monkeys in their pants. Think about that next time you're tossing your too large bottle of contact lens solution while you wait to board your plane. Even worse, it could be snakes on that plane. Nah, that's a crappy idea.

Where's My Mama-San?

Apparently in Japan they are out of news. Because this made the papers (or the online version anyway).

Japanese women look to younger men for romance

In Japan it's such chaos and free love that women are actually marrying men 6 years their junior! Stop the presses.

One talking head speculated that the "the feminine aversion to marriage reflects a gap between women's rising status at work and the deep-rooted notion that they should be subservient in relationships with men." Now my Japanese is very rusty, but my tranlsation of the original text was "Look out, Papa-san. Mama has figured out you're a load and she doesn't need you anymore. Nor your small penis." That's a loose translation of course.

Where were these nurturing, caring women when I was a poor, struggling, love-starved college student? I could have used a Sugar Momma when I was surviving on Minute Rice and Ramen Noodles. At least my diet would have probably improved.

While this may be a big deal over there, they've got a lot of work to do to catch up to us. Don't they, Ms. Moore and Ms. Sarandon?

Luckily men can still get away with marrying women 20 years or more younger than them without generating news in Japan. God Bless America. Jerry Lee and Roman, you leave those girls alone!

I don't think I've ever dated anyone that older than me. Although there was this one time with my girlfriend's Stacey's Mom. And that time with Mrs. Robinson. And my teacher in Florida. I guess this does happen all the time.

Is the age difference between partners really that big a deal in this day and age? I think an older partner might be nice. They'd tire easily and like naps so you've got your "me time" covered.

Overlooked by the Academy

In Gallatin, TN, the Honorable Don Wright is in a bit of hot water. Seems he let the makers of a local movie use the his office for a bit of filming. The movie? Thong Girl 3: Revenge of the Dark Widow of course.

I'll confess to having missed Thong Girl 1 & 2. But I've got a feeling with a title like Thong Girl (WARNING, that's a noisy link but totally worth it), picking up the series mid-stream probably isn't that difficult. I'll doubt the plot is as complex as Memento or Adaptation.

You can even watch the trailer for Thong Girl 2 online. And if you do, don't say I didn't warn you. With great acting and plot like that, you can see why something this good would have to be a trilogy. Too bad Peter Jackson was busy. The film reportedly has " no nudity, no cussing and no sex" according to its maker. That just leaves crappy special effects and bad acting then.

I'm sure you're well acquainted with Thong Girl's alter ego, Lana Layonme, who went shopping at a lingerie store one day and put on a pair of red thong underwear, which gave her magical powers. Please note that I have not made any of this up. In the latest adventure, she's trying to thwart a plot to destroy country music. Wait a minute, I'm not certain who I'm supposed to be rooting for now.

But if you're looking for a cheap and creative Halloween costume, you probably can't go wrong with Thong Girl. Especially if you're a fat, hairy guy.

On Reading the Signs

#4 Reading the Signs

Because you’re no longer in junior high school, you’ve advanced beyond asking “Does he like me or does he like me, like me?” And getting your best friend to ask him if he likes you (but don’t tell him you asked her to ask him) is a no go. Sending a note with boxes to check (yes, no, maybe) is also a bit out of bounds at this stage in your life.

You’re old enough and mature enough to get beyond these childish (but in their defense sure fire) tricks. You need to be able to tell if a man is attracted to you. If you can’t tell if one is on the line, you can’t tell when to start reeling him in. Enough with the lame fishing analogies you’re saying.

So how can you tell if a man likes you?

He looks at you.
Note that honking, wolf-whistling and yelling “Pull Up Your Shirt” (and you know that’s not what he really would yell) also indicate attraction but are most likely less desirable in a potential mate. Even if you’re from Texas. Possibly.

He listens to you.
Women use on average 20,000 words a day. Men use about 7,000. And most of these are probably monosyllabic or actually just grunting. Small wonder then that men find themselves the recipient of 13,000 extra words a day. Because of this disparity in words, men have the rare ability to go to autopilot and turn up the music that’s in their heads. A good way to check to see if a man is really listening or only autopilot listening is to slip in a term like “zone defense,” “free beer” or “Are my nipples too erect?” and see if you get a reaction.

He talks to you.
This is a tough one. Because men are so often out of words by the end of the day (as discussed more fully above), it can be a bit like dating Harpo Marx. Men aren’t rendered uncomfortable by short periods of silence. And while your story about “finding the best shoes ever at DSW but only because they had the exact same pair at Nordstrom’s but not in the right size and for $45 more but only after you had to go to Payless and try on about 15 pairs because Shoebilee never has the right size anyway” is probably very fascinating to some of your other friends, you may want to save that one for later in the courtship.

One trick to get a man to talk to you is to ask who he thinks will win the game and why. Which game isn’t important. Beware as you may receive an answer that sounds suspiciously like your shoe story. Note that the verb is talk. It’s not “open up” to you for a reason. He’s a man with no feelings. Just hope he’s not English or it’s like dating a Vulcan.

He calls you back.
Despite the genius that is Swingers, we don’t obsess about when to call. It’s a myth. Get over it. We just call when we want to do something with you. Yes, especially have sex.

He doesn’t try to hit on your friends.
This also applies to hitting on family members. Yes, especially your Mom.

He touches you.
Not your heart. Physically touches you. Puts a hand on the small of your back while you walk. Brushes hair out of your face. Holds your hand in the movie. Kisses the back of your neck when he comes back to the table.

He opens doors and/or holds chairs for you.
This one can be tricky. He may just be Southern and had these manners beaten into him by his Momma. You know, the same Momma who thinks you’re bit forward because you gave your number to her ‘lil baby son after you made out with him in public. Generally, as the younger generation of men is so ill-behaved, if you’ve got him doing this for you, you’re probably in.

He makes you laugh.
This is a tricky one too because you may be dating Harpo Marx who despite the absence of conversation is still hilarious. But if he says funny things just to you (instead of a crowd), that’s probably a good thing. Women always say they want a man with a sense of humor. Yet when I say Ocean’s 11 and they show Brad Pitt and George Clooney riding up the escalator, I heard every woman in the theater sigh. Oh yeah, it’s all about the sense of humor.

Check for actions falling into these categories. If he's doing the right things, you're probably so money and you don't even know it.

You Drive Me Crazy

If you haven't heard about this, you must not be in the metro Detroit area. Because it's what all the cool kids are talking about. Yes, the defensive line coach for the Lions, Joe Cullen, was suspended after being stopped for nude driving and later drunken driving. Yes, those are two separate incidents.

On the 24th of August, Joe Cullen made a run to a Wendy's drive through at 11:15 pm. The man responsible for serving the naked coach, Jethro Lett, summed it up best, "He don't have to say anything, he's butt naked!" Umm, I think that supposed to be Buck Naked, Jethro.

Then a week later da Coach was picked up again. This time for drunk driving when he blew a .12 for his blood alcohol level. Michigan is a .08 by the way.

My favorite part is the ticket he was issued for the first offense. The cop wrote up the offense as "driving on public street without any clothes on. (NUDE)." Thanks for adding (NUDE) in their Officer Friendly. It's that level of governmental efficiency that prevents me from believing in any type of conspiracy theory. The ticket also fails to note if he was properly driving with his hands at 10 and 2. Or was it more like 10 and 6?

What I really appreciate from the team is that he wasn't suspended for driving naked. It was only after the second offense that the team took action. Hey, we don't care if you're clothed if you can stop the run. When you're 0-2, you're not going to let a little something like driving au naturale get in the way of a win.

Now of course I have some questions. And as Coach Joe isn't talking (other than his flacktastic statement the team released and he's very, very sorry....he got caught) to reporters.

But I need to know a few things about naked driving. Do you go to the car naked? Where are your keys then? Or do you get in the car and suddenly decide, "You know what this little trip to the drive through needs? NO PANTS!" In which case then you've got to go fishing for your dough once you get to that window where they cough up your food.

Or was it a case of "I'd like to take a nice drive and get some fresh air. So much fresh air, in fact, that I'm going to take off my clothes." Then you go past a Wendy's and suddenly decide you need a Combo Meal #1 and have completely forgotten that you've removed your apparel during the expedition.

And why Wendy's? If you're driving naked, wouldn't you go to Burger King so you could make a couple of Whopper jokes? Even at McD's you could go with a cheap Quarter Pounder gag. Or an "I got your Big Mac right here."

Now I'll confess to never having driven naked. Although there was that pressed ham incident in college. If anyone has ever done any nude driving, I'd appreciate any insight they could share.