I finally found that perfect gift for my wife for Xmas. Yes, it's Buck the Animated, Signing Trophy Deer. And I would have posted a swell picture of it, but Blogger is being a pain in the arse right now.
Buck sings six different songs: Rawhide, Sweet Home Alabama, Friends in Low Places, Suspicious Minds, On the Road Again and La Grange. And he comes with a remote control and a microphone, so you can make Buck talk with your voice. Man, this is never going to get old after about 30 minutes.
Forget all that stuff I said about jewelry and romantic gifts. I'm sure she's going to love this.
Showing posts with label xmas. Show all posts
Showing posts with label xmas. Show all posts
Friday, December 22, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
Top 10 Little Known Facts About Rudolph
10. Used the Bumble to "resolve" a messy divorce with Clarisse
9. Changed name to R Diddy
8. Will not work with penguins
7. Loves to "divebomb" the Fortress of Solitude
6. Denies all rumors of friendship with Tom Cruise
5. Won't fly if it's just overcast
4. Bi-weekly antler waxings
3. Refers to Santa's sleigh as "Fatboy 1"
2. Now lives with long-time "friend" Hermey
1. Nose actually the result of cosmetic surgery
9. Changed name to R Diddy
8. Will not work with penguins
7. Loves to "divebomb" the Fortress of Solitude
6. Denies all rumors of friendship with Tom Cruise
5. Won't fly if it's just overcast
4. Bi-weekly antler waxings
3. Refers to Santa's sleigh as "Fatboy 1"
2. Now lives with long-time "friend" Hermey
1. Nose actually the result of cosmetic surgery
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Ask Mr. Manners
As the only male who can dine properly (not belch, fart or scratch with the wrong fork while at table), my female friends often turn to me for etiquette advice. And I never receive more questions than about proper holiday etiquette.
So here are some of the recent letters I've been getting from my many, many readers and fans. As far as you know.
Dear Mr. Manners:
I recently held the door for another woman at the post office. Once inside, she got in line in front of me. I was aghast. What should I have done?
Signed,
Slighted in Santa Clara
First, roll your eyes. Unfortunately, because she's in front of you, she won't see that. Next, sigh deeply to indicate that you are displeased with her rude behavior. If she doesn't recognize her behavior as being improper in a civilized society, you may then wrestle her to the floor. If she tries to write a check at the post office, gunplay is both allowable and recommended by the staff.
Dear Mr. Manners:
Someone recently brought boxed wine to a party I was hostessing. What should I have done?
Signed,
Tippling in Topeka
You should have thanked them graciously for the sentiment. Then have your pet urinate in the glass of boxed wine you gave to the cheap bastard who brought ripple to your soiree. Yes, if you don't own a pet, it is perfectly acceptable to use your own urine.
Dear Mr. Manners:
I made purchased a lovely gift for a dear friend of mine. In return, I received a fruit cake. Now what?
Signed,
Fruity in Fort Wayne
Thank them graciously for the sentiment. Then place the fruitcake on the floor and use it as a doorstop for the next year. Give it back to your cheap deadbeat friend next year. Readers may be surprised to learn that there is actually only one fruitcake in the entire world. It has been re-gifted throughout the eons of time.
Dear Mr. Manners:
Another woman and I wore the same cocktail dress to a holiday party. I was so embarrassed by this coincidence, but didn't know what to do. What should I have done?
Signed,
Coutured in Coeur d'Alene
Spill red wine on the hussy.
Dear Mr. Manners:
I have so many festive holiday sweaters. Any advice on which one to wear to my next party?
Signed,
Festive in Fairbanks
By "festive" you mean garish or suitable for Elton John. Don't wear any holiday sweaters unless they really show off your rack.
Mr. Manners says to enjoy your holiday. Remember whether you're celebrating the birth of Sweet Baby Jebus, Ramadan, Kwaanza or Hannukah, there are millions of people who think you're wrong.
So here are some of the recent letters I've been getting from my many, many readers and fans. As far as you know.
Dear Mr. Manners:
I recently held the door for another woman at the post office. Once inside, she got in line in front of me. I was aghast. What should I have done?
Signed,
Slighted in Santa Clara
First, roll your eyes. Unfortunately, because she's in front of you, she won't see that. Next, sigh deeply to indicate that you are displeased with her rude behavior. If she doesn't recognize her behavior as being improper in a civilized society, you may then wrestle her to the floor. If she tries to write a check at the post office, gunplay is both allowable and recommended by the staff.
Dear Mr. Manners:
Someone recently brought boxed wine to a party I was hostessing. What should I have done?
Signed,
Tippling in Topeka
You should have thanked them graciously for the sentiment. Then have your pet urinate in the glass of boxed wine you gave to the cheap bastard who brought ripple to your soiree. Yes, if you don't own a pet, it is perfectly acceptable to use your own urine.
Dear Mr. Manners:
I made purchased a lovely gift for a dear friend of mine. In return, I received a fruit cake. Now what?
Signed,
Fruity in Fort Wayne
Thank them graciously for the sentiment. Then place the fruitcake on the floor and use it as a doorstop for the next year. Give it back to your cheap deadbeat friend next year. Readers may be surprised to learn that there is actually only one fruitcake in the entire world. It has been re-gifted throughout the eons of time.
Dear Mr. Manners:
Another woman and I wore the same cocktail dress to a holiday party. I was so embarrassed by this coincidence, but didn't know what to do. What should I have done?
Signed,
Coutured in Coeur d'Alene
Spill red wine on the hussy.
Dear Mr. Manners:
I have so many festive holiday sweaters. Any advice on which one to wear to my next party?
Signed,
Festive in Fairbanks
By "festive" you mean garish or suitable for Elton John. Don't wear any holiday sweaters unless they really show off your rack.
Mr. Manners says to enjoy your holiday. Remember whether you're celebrating the birth of Sweet Baby Jebus, Ramadan, Kwaanza or Hannukah, there are millions of people who think you're wrong.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
Top Ten Little-Known Facts About Santa Claus
Top Ten Little Known Facts About Santa Claus (with apologies to Dave)
10. Called the cops complaining about loud parties next door at the Fortress of Solitude
9. As a result of global warming, now makes his rounds wearing only a red speedo
8. Briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor
7. Often mistaken for John Goodman
6. Was once shot in the face by Dick Cheney during a Christmas Eve "misunderstanding"
5. Stockings aren't the only thing that are "hung"
4. Thinks Regis Philbin's Christmas album sucks
3. 75% jolly, 25% malt liquor
2. Has a permanent case of Snowballs
1. Britney Spears isn't the only one who likes to go without underwear
10. Called the cops complaining about loud parties next door at the Fortress of Solitude
9. As a result of global warming, now makes his rounds wearing only a red speedo
8. Briefly married to Elizabeth Taylor
7. Often mistaken for John Goodman
6. Was once shot in the face by Dick Cheney during a Christmas Eve "misunderstanding"
5. Stockings aren't the only thing that are "hung"
4. Thinks Regis Philbin's Christmas album sucks
3. 75% jolly, 25% malt liquor
2. Has a permanent case of Snowballs
1. Britney Spears isn't the only one who likes to go without underwear
Monday, December 18, 2006
An Xmas Poem
From the genius that is Paul Gilmartin comes the following.You may remember him from Dinner and a Movie. He was the funny one, not the annoying one. Or you may know him from various and sundry appearances on the Bob & Tom Show and their various and sundry CD's.
And while he's legendary here in the Great Grey North for his poem, Tim the Diehard Packer fan, he's also holiday topical.
So enjoy a Christmas Poem by Paul Gilmartin.
Eggnog, tinsel, falling snow,
Buttered rum and mistletoe,
Trimming trees and hanging lights,
The sound of carolers fills the night.
Shopping hours long and hard,
Visa phones and cancels card,
Unpaid bills and mounting debt,
Family gathers, depression sets.
Drinking starts. Harsh words are said,
Dysfunction rears its yuletide head.
Argument turns to shovin',
Drunken brother punches cousin.
Tree tips over popping lights,
Curtains catch, house ignites.
No one hears the reindeer cries,
Wedged in chimney, Santa dies.
Though he kicked,
And did perspire,
His chestnuts roasted,
On an open fire.
Merry Xmas, kids. Hope you're getting to spend it with your famdamily.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Splish Splash, She Was Taking A Bath
Yesterday I read that people who go Christmas shopping are buying more stuff for themselves. That's because you're the best secret Santa for yourself. Nobody knows what you want more than you. Yes, that includes the spanking.
So in that vein, there's still time! Order it now. You can still get this in time for Xmas. Yup, Vibrating Soap. When you're too tired to move that soap all by yourself to work up a lather.
Their web site does a describes it as "your ticket to bath time bliss." It reminds me of the old Mr. Bubble slogan. Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty. I'm envisioning a commercial with a song from the Divinyls. Or maybe Cindy Lauper.
Now I'm not sure if this bathroom accessory is really as innovative, unique or ingenious as the manufacturer claims. Maybe I'll order one for the Wife for Xmas. Sure, some men would be intimidated by Vibrating Soap. I'm not. I'm just hoping it'll get the shower a little cleaner from all the suds.
Of course, you'll never have enough hot water.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Krappy Xmas Muzak
I've been tormenting a few of my closest friends for about 6 years now. Just about every Xmas, I make a holiday CD with the shittiest music I can find. Actually they're not all shitty. It's a combination of humor, crap and "so bad it's good" stuff. The trouble is that it's often impossible to tell which is supposed to be good and which is bad. Yup, they're that bad usually.
I can honestly say that I have more Christmas music than anyone I know. I keep them all in this crappy box (they don't deserve to be in a CD rack) and pull them out when I work on making the CD each year. I usually scour record stores and department stores after the holidays when all this crap is marked down too.
Anyway, this year I scored a couple of gems, Christmas on The Ponderosa and Christmas with the Brady Bunch. Pure crap although the Brady's didn't make the final cut on to the CD this year. It's always good to have something in reserve for next year.
Here's the final, finished, crappy CD (entitled "Still Crappy After All These Years"):
1. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Ray Charles
This one is actually good because I found that if I start people with too bad of a stinker, they can't make it through the rest of the album. Yes, they're that bad.
2. All I Want For Christmas Is You / Olivia Olson
This is from Love Actually and this girl really has some pipes.
3. Let's Put Christ Back In Christmas / Pat Godwin
Pat's a guitar comic who is very funny. This starts with "Frosty the Snowman was Jesus Christ's best friend." An instant classic.
4. Christmas Is All Around / Billy Mack
Also from Love Actually, Billy Mack is the character Bill Nighy plays as a washed up, has been rock and roller who comes back with a Christmas single in an attempt to revive his career. He steals the movie.
5. Another Rock 'n' Roll Christmas / Garry Glitter
This may be so subtle no one gets it (but then, often the jokes are just for me). Putting Garry Glitter right after Billy Mack is a not so funny reference to the washed up rocker (Garry not Billy) who was awaiting trial in Vietnam on charges of sleeping with girls below the age of consent. The ultimate penalty, if convicted, may be death by firing squad. Classy.
6. Deck The Halls / Dan Blocker
This one really sucks. Hoss is way off key and because he talks so slowly, he can't get all of the Fa La La La's out on most of the lines so it become Fa La La. Painful to experience in person.
7. The Christmas Story / Larry The Cable Guy
Just a funny monologue, but he actually refers to the Baby Bejeezus. I'm throwing folks a bone after having to endure Hoss's singing. Plus it's kind of a bumpkin juxtaposition going on.
8. Last Night (I Went Out With Santa Claus) / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Finally another good one, but it does talk about going out partying with Santa. So even the good ones are pretty inappropriate for holidays.
9. The Little Drummer Boy / Johnny Cash
The Man in Black actually did an entire Christmas album. This is an exceptionally bad track because he kind of talks his way through it and the drums are really lame. This may have been when he was on heroin. He sounds like Mr. Ed and is just a bit too slow in the whole song.
10. Christmas On TV / Chris Isaak
A good one again and seemingly an original composition as well. This is also foreshadowing of the major tv motif that is to come. Yes, another too subtle reference which no one but me will get.
11. The Chanukah Song / Adam Sandler
A funny one and not that new, but I needed a bridge to the whole Hebrew thing that is coming.
12. A Goyisha Hanukkah / Pat Godwin (more comedy to lessen the blow that is to come)
Another swell Pat song. This one features boyfriend and girlfriend experiencing cross cultural holidays with each others' families.
13. Santa Got Lost In Texas / Michael Landon [aka Little Joe]
No one will get this. Michael Landon was half Jewish. I don't remember which parent it was, but he was born Eugene Maurice Orowitz in Queens, New York. Most folks will just think this song is incredibly crappy--and they're right.
14. Linus And Lucy / Vince Guaraldi Trio
This is from the Charlie Brown Christmas special and you've probably heard it a million times. If you don't know it, hit Track 4.
15. The Christmas Blues / Dean Martin
The man can really sing and I've never heard this song before. I'd probably label it as a good one.
16. I've Had A Very Merry Christmas / Jerry Lewis
And this man really can't sing. This will make you appreciate how annoying Jerry was when doing his Nutty Professor shtick. This song will make you understand why Deano drank.
17. Santa Clothes / Dean & Jerry
This is actually Bob & Tom doing dead on impressions of the former comedy team. And it's funny one about Santa cross-dressing. I just like how I was able to work a Dean, a Jerry and a Dean & Jerry in together. Again, a joke just for me.
18. Mr. Heatmiser / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
We're into a tv motif here. Not the original from the special, "The Year Without a Santa Claus" but instead a great cover. BBVD rocks it.
19. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch / Brian Setzer
Another great cover. I'm feeling sorry for folks here after subjecting them to Johnny Cash and Dan Blocker. Otherwise there's no way they get two good songs in a row.
20. Frosty The Snowman / Jimmy Durante
The original from the special. A real charmer which should bring back memories. A quick tangent, when my roomie in school grew a moustache, he looked exactly like the evil magician.
21. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Fred Astaire
Another original. It's still amazing to me that someone best known for his dancing is most well known to our generation as a claymation figure who sang.
22. The Evil Santa / Gilda Radner, Bill Murray
A sketch from when they were with the National Lampoon. Gilda plays a little girl who keeps asking Santa for toys and Bill just keeps saying no. Includes the famous phrase "Trap Door" when he dumps her off his lap.
23. Rockabilly Christmas / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Opens with "Santa's got his hair all piled high, swinging his sleigh right through the sky." And you can actually get the chorus stuck in your head. "Rock, rock, rockabilly Christmas." All we need are Jon and Vince for a little swing dancing.
24. Gather Round / Earth Wind & Fire (really bad)
There's something amazingly funny and jarring about EW&F doing a Christmas song. The bass and trumpets are especially odd. Funk and the holidays. Rock on.
25. Blue Christmas / Chris Isaak
A slightly off-kilter take on the Elvis classic. I probably should have put this next to Rockabilly Christmas, but it's even more jarring after Earth, Wind & Fire.
26. Christmas Commentary / Larry The Cable Guy
Larry eventually comes to the conclusion that if you don't participate in Christmas, you shouldn't be able to participate in the advantage of low Christmas prices. "Half off is only for believers of Jesus." Oh, and the Three Wise Men should be allowed to drink beer at the live nativity scenes.
Rock on, kids. If you've got worse ones than these, please let me know.
I can honestly say that I have more Christmas music than anyone I know. I keep them all in this crappy box (they don't deserve to be in a CD rack) and pull them out when I work on making the CD each year. I usually scour record stores and department stores after the holidays when all this crap is marked down too.
Anyway, this year I scored a couple of gems, Christmas on The Ponderosa and Christmas with the Brady Bunch. Pure crap although the Brady's didn't make the final cut on to the CD this year. It's always good to have something in reserve for next year.
Here's the final, finished, crappy CD (entitled "Still Crappy After All These Years"):
1. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Ray Charles
This one is actually good because I found that if I start people with too bad of a stinker, they can't make it through the rest of the album. Yes, they're that bad.
2. All I Want For Christmas Is You / Olivia Olson
This is from Love Actually and this girl really has some pipes.
3. Let's Put Christ Back In Christmas / Pat Godwin
Pat's a guitar comic who is very funny. This starts with "Frosty the Snowman was Jesus Christ's best friend." An instant classic.
4. Christmas Is All Around / Billy Mack
Also from Love Actually, Billy Mack is the character Bill Nighy plays as a washed up, has been rock and roller who comes back with a Christmas single in an attempt to revive his career. He steals the movie.
5. Another Rock 'n' Roll Christmas / Garry Glitter
This may be so subtle no one gets it (but then, often the jokes are just for me). Putting Garry Glitter right after Billy Mack is a not so funny reference to the washed up rocker (Garry not Billy) who was awaiting trial in Vietnam on charges of sleeping with girls below the age of consent. The ultimate penalty, if convicted, may be death by firing squad. Classy.
6. Deck The Halls / Dan Blocker
This one really sucks. Hoss is way off key and because he talks so slowly, he can't get all of the Fa La La La's out on most of the lines so it become Fa La La. Painful to experience in person.
7. The Christmas Story / Larry The Cable Guy
Just a funny monologue, but he actually refers to the Baby Bejeezus. I'm throwing folks a bone after having to endure Hoss's singing. Plus it's kind of a bumpkin juxtaposition going on.
8. Last Night (I Went Out With Santa Claus) / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Finally another good one, but it does talk about going out partying with Santa. So even the good ones are pretty inappropriate for holidays.
9. The Little Drummer Boy / Johnny Cash
The Man in Black actually did an entire Christmas album. This is an exceptionally bad track because he kind of talks his way through it and the drums are really lame. This may have been when he was on heroin. He sounds like Mr. Ed and is just a bit too slow in the whole song.
10. Christmas On TV / Chris Isaak
A good one again and seemingly an original composition as well. This is also foreshadowing of the major tv motif that is to come. Yes, another too subtle reference which no one but me will get.
11. The Chanukah Song / Adam Sandler
A funny one and not that new, but I needed a bridge to the whole Hebrew thing that is coming.
12. A Goyisha Hanukkah / Pat Godwin (more comedy to lessen the blow that is to come)
Another swell Pat song. This one features boyfriend and girlfriend experiencing cross cultural holidays with each others' families.
13. Santa Got Lost In Texas / Michael Landon [aka Little Joe]
No one will get this. Michael Landon was half Jewish. I don't remember which parent it was, but he was born Eugene Maurice Orowitz in Queens, New York. Most folks will just think this song is incredibly crappy--and they're right.
14. Linus And Lucy / Vince Guaraldi Trio
This is from the Charlie Brown Christmas special and you've probably heard it a million times. If you don't know it, hit Track 4.
15. The Christmas Blues / Dean Martin
The man can really sing and I've never heard this song before. I'd probably label it as a good one.
16. I've Had A Very Merry Christmas / Jerry Lewis
And this man really can't sing. This will make you appreciate how annoying Jerry was when doing his Nutty Professor shtick. This song will make you understand why Deano drank.
17. Santa Clothes / Dean & Jerry
This is actually Bob & Tom doing dead on impressions of the former comedy team. And it's funny one about Santa cross-dressing. I just like how I was able to work a Dean, a Jerry and a Dean & Jerry in together. Again, a joke just for me.
18. Mr. Heatmiser / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
We're into a tv motif here. Not the original from the special, "The Year Without a Santa Claus" but instead a great cover. BBVD rocks it.
19. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch / Brian Setzer
Another great cover. I'm feeling sorry for folks here after subjecting them to Johnny Cash and Dan Blocker. Otherwise there's no way they get two good songs in a row.
20. Frosty The Snowman / Jimmy Durante
The original from the special. A real charmer which should bring back memories. A quick tangent, when my roomie in school grew a moustache, he looked exactly like the evil magician.
21. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town / Fred Astaire
Another original. It's still amazing to me that someone best known for his dancing is most well known to our generation as a claymation figure who sang.
22. The Evil Santa / Gilda Radner, Bill Murray
A sketch from when they were with the National Lampoon. Gilda plays a little girl who keeps asking Santa for toys and Bill just keeps saying no. Includes the famous phrase "Trap Door" when he dumps her off his lap.
23. Rockabilly Christmas / Big Bad Voodoo Daddy
Opens with "Santa's got his hair all piled high, swinging his sleigh right through the sky." And you can actually get the chorus stuck in your head. "Rock, rock, rockabilly Christmas." All we need are Jon and Vince for a little swing dancing.
24. Gather Round / Earth Wind & Fire (really bad)
There's something amazingly funny and jarring about EW&F doing a Christmas song. The bass and trumpets are especially odd. Funk and the holidays. Rock on.
25. Blue Christmas / Chris Isaak
A slightly off-kilter take on the Elvis classic. I probably should have put this next to Rockabilly Christmas, but it's even more jarring after Earth, Wind & Fire.
26. Christmas Commentary / Larry The Cable Guy
Larry eventually comes to the conclusion that if you don't participate in Christmas, you shouldn't be able to participate in the advantage of low Christmas prices. "Half off is only for believers of Jesus." Oh, and the Three Wise Men should be allowed to drink beer at the live nativity scenes.
Rock on, kids. If you've got worse ones than these, please let me know.
Thursday, November 09, 2006
My Haiku
I'm not sure I've got the power or prosaic skills to keep this up or I'd have called it Weekly Haiku.
But after a recent visit to Tar-jay, I couldn't take it anymore.
But after a recent visit to Tar-jay, I couldn't take it anymore.
After Hallowe'en
Trees and lights are on display
God damn retailers.
I am emotionally unprepared for the Yule season. But seeing snowflake decorations while you're still raking the damn leaves should be against the law. Maybe the Dems can take care of this now that they're in charge.
Just wait till they start ringing those fucking bells! Bah, humbug. And it's only November 9th.
There's also going to be a new Shrek Xmas special. I don't know how good it will be, but maybe it'll give Rudolph and A Christmas Story a run for their money.
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