Tuesday, October 03, 2006

I'll Be The Judge of That

In Helsinki, Finland Judge Hesse Hakki ruled that charging someone $25,500 euros (that's about $32,000) to fondle breasts was excessive. In the Judge's defense, the fondler was a demented 74 year old man. But it did occur upon 10 separate ocassions. That's only about $1600 a breast then.

Now I find this amazing. First, apparently it's okay to charge people to fondle your breasts in Finland. Having never been to Finland, I don't know what goes on there. But it would seem that the Finland Tourism Council is missing a real opportunity to market here. This really ought to help their tourism.

Second, I love that the Judge ruled "Based on general life experience alone, it is indisputably clear that a 25,500 euro charge is disproportionate to the compensation in question."

How does Judge Hakki know that being charged $3200 to fondle someone's breasts is excessive unless he's gotten a better deal in the past? "Indisputably clear" means you can't even argue with that ruling. Unfortunately the Hackmaster doesn't tell us what he thinks is fair to pay to fondle some breasts. I've never paid to fondle breasts, but what does dinner and a movie count as?

Maybe fondling an outstanding pair of breasts is worth more than $3200? Would someone pay more to fondle Scarlett Johansson's breasts than Betty White's? I think we'd all agree that there's some qualitative qualifications here. There's nothing in the ruling to indicate whether the fondlee was of some exceptional quality as to be worth more compensation or not. That the woman has her man pimping her out for fondling sessions seems to indicate not.

And if Scarlett Johansson was in a Cleavacious? Forget about it. Those girls would have to be in the locked and upright position at all times. With Scarlett Johansson in a Cleavacious, I'll bet we could conquer Fundamentalist Islamic Hatemongering in our lifetime. Before anyone would be allowed on a plane they'd have to look at Ms. Johansson in a Cleavacious. That would sort things out. And we'd be able to keep our contact lens solution in our carry on bag too.

But I digress...

How much is fair to pay to fondle breasts? Heck in N'awlins you get a free look just for cheap plastic beads. Maybe we could do like a breasticle Ebay where people could bid on how much they'd pay for fondling privileges. We could call it eBoob. This would make John Maynard Keynes proud. It would be the free market at work. You'd finally know what people would pay to fondle. And you didn't really think I'd go with a pix of Keynes when I could work in Scarlett Johansson did you?

It's really an age old question. So how much should people pay for fondling?


Wicked H said...

Hmmm, I think you have something here. Now that I have my Cleavacious the girls are sure perkier.

Interesting that this correlates with Breast Cancer Awareness Month. You should totally play that angle, fondle for healthy breasts!

Kate The Great said...

In another day in time, all Kate the Great needed was some Nati light and some witty banter.

Now all I need is the Nati Light.

In all seriousness (okay, I don't know how serious I can be about this subject), I think the price of breast fondling is directly proportional to the boobs and the toucher.

foundme said...

Well, my boobs are fabulous! Totally worth TWICE what that old dood didn't want to pay!

But then, that's MY opinion(and the opinion of several ex's, too).

I can't help it!

t2ed said...

They're real and they're spectacular.

One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes ever.

Kate the Peon said...

Dman, I need to start charging. Or more to Finland.

Sad but true said...

After 2 kids, I'd probably have to pay someone to fondle mine.