Thursday, February 05, 2009

The Lonely Goatherd

It's pretty obvious that Hollywood is out of ideas. Other than comic books of course. So instead of making movies about 60's sitcoms, it's time to start re-making movie classics. Sure they already re-did Psycho with Vince Vaughn and it bombed.

That's why we're re-doing a musical this time: The Sound of Music.

If you've never seen the Sound of Music, you really should get out more. But here's the much shortened version. A nun, Maria, becomes the nanny for a widowed naval officer with 7 children. Thanks to her amazing musical range, the entire family falls for her and they escape from Nazi's by hiking over the Alps.

We're going to update it. In this version, Maria is a former hooker, the kids are from an in vitro fertilization which went horribly well, and the naval officer is a former CIA agent (who may have had ties to the Nazis) turned aspiring, guitar-playing rock and roller. Think Pretty Woman meets The Rocker meets Indiana Jones.

The Nazis stay of course. They're practically orcs. You've got to have a cardboard cut out baddy. And we can probably work in a song called Nazi Boys to Janet Jackson's Nasty Boys.

But the showstopper is going to be Least Favorite Things. Thanks to Thom Schuyler for all the real work.

Tin foil toothpicks and hair in my salad,
When the computer says "password invalid"
Slick country music all tied up in strings,
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Hitting my thumb with a twenty ounce hammer,
Seventeen, Hustler, The Nation and Glamour
When the mechanic says "new set of rings"
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Microsoft Windows and internet chattin'
Men dressed like women and Knights in White Satin,
Cutting my finger while changing my strings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

When the cat pees
In my wingtips
Or my girlfriend's purse
I simply remember
My Least Favorite Things
And then I feel
Even worse.

Slithering creatures and slipping transmissions
Speaking of snakes, did I say politicians?
When I'm asleep and the telephone rings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things.

Musical parodies meant to be clever
Most of the music of Andrew Lloyd Webber
Losing the wedge from a new set of Pings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things

Frozen fruit salad and bourbon with Pepsi
Pretty much everything finally upsets me
Every time Wayne Newton dances or sings
These are a few of my Least Favorite Things

When the dog craps
In the kitchen
I get really pissed
I simply remember
My Least Favorite Things
And I add it to my list.

I smell Academy Award. Especially when we get someone the kids go crazy for like the Jonas Sisters or Jughead Archuletta or Halley Montana or someone else I never listen to.

What's on your list, kids?


Dani said...

Is it time to remake Zoolander yet?

Bill and Ted, perhaps?

Anonymous said...

I never thought I'd reach the age where I'd say, "Hey, that's a remake!" like my parents always did to our movies and music. I can remember when Bryan Adams' song "Heaven" was remade a few years ago. I felt very very old.

Ironically enough, musicals are one of my least favorite things :)

Roxrocks said...

They should remake the Breakfast Club. Put a more current twist on it. You could have a kid with a knife, an emo, a lesbian jock...oh the potential is endless!