Tuesday, May 01, 2007

Guide to Summer Movies

It's almost upon us. Yes, the time we'll sit through crummy movies just to enjoy air conditioning. And knowing that, the studios pump out the drek to make us endure their lack of creativity. So here is a brief recap of what you can expect for this Summer.

Spiderman 3: In this installment of the crime fighting franchise, Joel Spiderman (pronounced spi derr MUHN) CPA is on the case of some villians who willingly misclassify uncovered business expenses as legitimate expenditures. Joel also changes from a blue pinstripe suit to a black pinstripe suit in a move that has all the fanboys excited.

Surf's Up: A movie about penguins? It'll never work. Who wants to watch a penguin? Apparently everyone.

Live Free or Die Hard: John McLain's retirement community is taken over a foreign conglomerate. Several thrilling golf cart chases involve the parking lot of a Luby's and people jockeying for handicapped spots in time for the Early Bird.

28 Days Later: British accents + zombies = The Royal Family

Hairspray: John Travolta in drag? A guy in a dress have never been done before.

Ratatouille: The last rat cartoon got Flushed Away pretty quickly. Just rewatch Toy Story.

Ocean's 13: They're not even going to attempt to have a plot in this one. Just relax and enjoy pretty men walking around Las Vegas in expensive suits. If you take your girlfriend to this movie, she'll be silently cataloging in her head all your physical shortcomings.

The Bourne Ultimatum: His ultimatum? I'm not going to pay a lot for this car insurance. Seriously, who knew that Damon + Action = $$$$ while Affleck + Action = Reindeer Games?

Knocked Up: Seth Rogan finally figured out if he quit giving all the best lines to Steve Carrell, he could make some money too.

Shrek the Third: Just because you're pimping for Mars Inc.'s Snickers and M&M's candy; PepsiCo Inc.'s Sierra Mist drink; Kellogg Co.'s Fruit Loops, Frosted Flakes, Pop-Tarts, Cheez-Its and Keebler cookies and McDonald's doesn't mean you can't be healthy too. At least according to the Department of Health & Human Services.

Harry Potter and The Order of the Phoenix: In this more accurate depiction of British boarding schools, Ron finally gives Harry the rogering he so richly craves and deserves.

The Simpsons Movie: Why are you going to pay to see a show that's on 27 times a week in syndication? Yes, I'm going. D'oh!

Transformers: With Michael Bay at the helm, I'm guessing they'll be a few more explosions than well-developed characterizations in this one. Giant robots are always a draw though. So rent The Iron Giant instead.

Evan Almighty: Steve Carell gets a free pass on anything he wants to do.

License to Wed: Yay, John Krasinski (Jim) from The Office. Less of a yay, Robin Williams. A little Robin Williams go a long way.

Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer: Isn't there some kind of threshold standard you have to achieve before you can make a sequel? Proff that people will see any piece of shit if Jessica Alba is scantily clad.

Pirates of the Caribbean: At Trilogy's End: In the extras of the second movie, we learn from the screenwriters that filiming began before the script was complete. Yeah, we could tell. Johnny Depp's inspiration for Captain Jack Sparrow, Mr. Keith Richards has a cameo. Will he be able to manage a line?


thethinker said...

I can't wait for Harry Potter and Pirates of the Caribbean. The rest, I'm not as excited about.

Iwanski said...

Starring Robin Williams as Optimus Prime.

Reigning Frog said...

I heard that keith is just playing the skull and crossbones...no lines to worry about. :)