Later, Losers

Sorry about the title, but it's the new catch phrase around our office. A team member's kid got in trouble at day care for calling another kid a "loser." Specifically, it was "You're a loser." No one seems to know where she picked it up, but the thought of a three year old calling another toddler a loser makes us all crack up. I don't know where girls pick up their cattiness, but it must be learned at an early age. Anyway, everyone is now a loser at least several times a day. Especially when you're leaving for the day. It's typically, "Later, losers."

And that phrase applies to me, cause I'm outta here for a bit. Wife and I are in the Cayman Islands for a bit. Ya'll have to find another blog to kick around and get your giggles from cause I'll be here. Yes, they have a webcam (though it seemed snafu to me) and a blog. If you see a pix or a post of a happy camper with a book, snorkel equipment and a beer (though not necessarily in that order), it'll probably be me.

So like all tv shows, here are a few reruns to hold you over until we start live production again. Are these "Best of?" That would seem to imply it was ever good. Let's call it "Classic t2ed." You really want the new stuff, but you'll have to suck on this while it's the only thing available.

• The Horrible Napkin Holder Incident
• Half-Assed Ideas
• Free Radio
• Christopher Walken's Cabinet (I can't believe....you're not reading this)
• Herman the Spokescrab
• Movie Stars, is there anything they don't know?
• Rudi in the Sky with Santa (I know it's not Xmas, zip it!)

That's about 1 a day. Try to ration yourself. Extended exposure to genius may result in mental burning. Yeah, genius. Heh. If that's the "good stuff" stay far away from the shitty stuff! Try not to burn through them all at once. Savor every word. Enjoy both the musical entendres and boobie references. Pace yourself.

Or just gorge on them all like it's the entire box of Snackwells we know you ate when you were feeling depressed about your diet.

Later, losers.

L'amour? Oui.

Because I'm an international man o' mystery, the French dig me.

http://www.google.fr/search?hl=fr&q=INCONTENTINENCE&meta=

In fact, you could say they've surrendered to me. That's so funny, I think I wet 'em.

It's all bon.

At least the Brits know I'm about about higher learning.

http://search.msn.co.uk/results.aspx?q=%22London%20Academy%20of%20Sex%20%26%20Relationships%22&FORM=QBRE

I so need to get a t-shirt from that place.

Urine Trouble Now

I've said it before and I'll say it again. No, not Men Love Boobies. The Buckeye State is nuts! More goofy shit going down in Ohio.

Alan Patton has been arrested for drinking the urine of young boys in Columbus, Ohio. Oh, and he's been doing it for 47 YEARS! God, that's disgusting.

Asked why he chose to partake of the "Coors Extra Light" he said, "It's almost spiritual...like I'm drinking their youth." He then followed up with "B-b-b-b-b-b-whoo hoo hoo, cuckoo, cuckoo, nyah, nyah, nyah." Okay, I made that last part up. Just be glad I couldn't figure out how to type a rubber band sound.

Boy that leaves a foul taste in my mouth. Anyone want some lemonade?

Did you really expect this to end other than with a cheap pee pee joke. Come on, you know me better than that. I'm especially sorry if you get the Kevin Costner reference because that means you saw it too. Milk, milk, lemonade, 'round the corner, fudge is made.

Now That's a Pecker

The Olympics are mercifully almost over. But today's curling match between the UK and US was interrupted.

If you're not familiar with curling, it involves janitorial services, bowling and ice.

Yes it was interrupted by a Golden Palace.com streaker wearing a rubber chicken. Check out that strategic placement. The crazy hat is a nice touch as well.

Now that the Winter Olympics are over (or almost over, I'm not watching/caring), what are we going to do with all those former AOL disks they've been using as medals?

• skeet targets
• coasters
• ninja throwing stars
• ring toss
• spinning plates for a circus act
• really dangly earrings
• Little League "Sportsmanship" Award (only given to the complete spazzes)
• drink tokens

Spider Girl

I've written before about how sometimes you need a Cosmo Kramer. Someone who can just say what you've agonized about telling someone for ages.

And it's usually someone you don't know very well. Because you can tell a real friend everything. It's those middling folk who you're not sure how they'll take unsolicited advice. Well, it's happening again.

There's a girl who works at the tanner who looks like Tammy Faye Baker. Seriously, she wears more eye makeup than that.

Doesn't she have any friends? A boyfriend? A mother? Anyone who can tell her for to quit wearing so much mascara? I know it's only a matter of time before I blow. I'll have a cocktail in me and stop in and just blurt it out. "You look like a fucking raccon. Knock it off with the mascara!"

There's got to be another way, but how do you work up to that?

• "Do you know you have two spiders on your face?"
• "Do you often use a trowel to get ready in the morning?"
• "Did you enjoy clown college?"
• "Have you ever thought about the natural look?"
• "What color are your eyes?"
• "Are you thinking about marrying a disgraced televangelist?"

I'd love to get a picture to post it so you'd know I'm not exaggerating. But if I could trick her into a picture, I could probably just tell her anyway.

And if she takes it the wrong way (imagine the mascare trax if she starts crying), I'll never be able to go back there. That tanner will be dead to me, Fredo.

I Had a Theme, I Had an Awesome Theme

I was talking with someone recently and declared that if I were Lord of All I Survey, I'd have someone release doves every time I entered a room. Upon further reflection, I've decided that when (not if) I become the Master of My Domain, I'd rather have a great theme song that could be played whenever I enter a room. It's a little presidential but instead of Hail to the Chief, it'll be something good. Other than the Prez, I think Bob Hope (Thanks for the Memories) and Johnny Carson (Tonight Show Theme) were the last real people to have theme songs. I'm going to fix all that.

The Paul Shaffer and the World's Most Dangerous Band (as seen on David Letterman) always does a good job with this if you're paying attention. When a guest gets intro they play him or her out with something that's usually pretty clever. I like to play along at home.

My Song - Darth Vader's Theme (love that kettle drum intro) or My Boyfriend's Back
Dick Cheney - You Give Love a Bad Name (think of the opening line)
George W. Bush - If I Only Had a Brain (Scarecrow's Theme from Wizard of Oz)
John Kerry - Mr. Ed
Bill Clinton - To All The Girls I've Loved Before
Nick Lachey - Money
Paris Hilton - Why Don't We Do It in the Road
Joe Pesci - Send In the Clowns
Tara Reid - One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer
Pam Anderson - Naughty Girls Need Love Too
Courtney Love - Hotel California
Thomas Jefferson - Brown Sugar/Black Betty (tie)
Abe Lincoln - Long Tall Sally
Tom Cruise - Crazy Train

I'm sure you can think of others, kids. Feel free to play along at home.

Run for the Hills

If you live in LA, it may already be too late. First, I pity you and the endless strip malls, traffic and self-indulgence. Second, a giant slime like substance is devouring your city. Yes, according to the LA Daily News, a "mystery blob is eating downtown." As I recall, this doesn't bode well for either Steve McQueen or Kevin Dillon.

They'd better try electrocuting this thing. Or maybe that didn't kill it? Was it fire? Acid? Cold? Uh, oh. Somebody either get a film historian on the phone or run down to a Blockbuster quick.

Of course with all the Hollywood agents out there, you could argue there's been a bunch of slime coursing through the streets for a long time.

Hug it out, bitches.

Mobix Dick

A UK company, Mobix, has purchased Ipods for its employees. The life-changing devices are pre-loaded with audiobooks with comedy selections. Mobix's rationale is that listening to the comedy riffs will reduce stress during the commute to work and cheer them up on the way to work.

This is a swell idea that obviously won't work. First, you know there's at least one closet goth kid amongst the Mobix rank and file. And he or she will be listening to speedmetal or something in that vein before he or she goes on their five state killing spree. Then the company gets named in the suit and has to file for Chapter 11. Okay, that would only happen in the States with our legal system.

I do like the idea of novel ways to improve employee morale. Of course an argument can be made that the company could always have taken the money to buy and Ipod for each employee and actually given it directly to the employee. Then they could have purchased whatever item might make them happier.

One time we lost our air conditioning at work in the middle of the Summer and the head manager came by with ice cream sandwiches in an effort to cool us off. Didn't work but we all appreciated the effort.

At Virtucon to improve employee morale we have a swell lil internal system that lets you send an email/ecard to someone for doing something good. That way this really won't interfere with them returning to their toil after being all moraled up. Yeah, it's a Dilbert cartoon, butcept I'm not making this up.

I wonder what the most creative employee morale idea anyone has ever had. If I were Lord Of All I Survey, there'd be live music in the cafeteria. Oh and I'd release doves whenever I entered the room for a meeting. That could get messy, but it would still be beautiful.

I'm Just Talking 'Bout Taft

It's President's Day, ya'll. So get out there and buy a mattress or a waterbed. At least that's how it seems we should be celebrating today. Alternatively, you could try to do something suitably presidential today.

For example:

• Don't go to college (9 didn't including Washington, Jackson, Van Buren, Taylor, Fillmore, Lincoln, A. Johnson, Cleveland, and Truman)
• If you have to go to school, pick Harvard (6 did) or Yale (5 including the Law School)
• Be a British subject (8 presidents were)
• Die in Office (the 8 are W. Harrison (after only a one month), Taylor, Lincoln, Garfield, McKinley, Harding, F. Roosevelt, and Kennedy
• Be Buried in Arlington Cemetary (Taft and Kennedy)
• Get Impeached (Johnson and Clinton but you know Nixon would have got it too, but he resigned)
• Get Blown (Clinton, Kennedy, Harding, Roosevelt, Wilson Eisenhower and Jefferson [and Johnson according to Kris] were all rumored to have mistresses or interns on the side)

Okay so that last one isn't exactly verifiable, but you know Jefferson was totally hitting all the staff.

Nice Ice, Baby

That "Fierce Winter Storm" which "Sweeps Across Midwest?" Yeah, it's still sweeping across my ass right now.

Really wild weather. Rain, sleet, snow and thunder and lightning. We had everything but a deluge of frogs. They're full of shit though. We didn't have any 60 mph wind. As the night got colder, a lot of branches came down and knocked out power. . Flickers most of the night. Luckily it didn't seem to go out for good until about 9. Wife and I were able to see who got the ousting on Survivor so life is good in that regard. After a lil loving, we slept like newborns. What else was there to do?

Sadly, no power this morning when we woke up. Candlelight showering is not to be missed. And also a great excuse not to shave. Lots of ladies in hats walking around Virtucon today. Among those who could be bothered to come in of course. We're at probably 1/2 of our personnel. One of our corporate buildings is even closed. Unfortunately, I'm not lucky enough to be toiling for the man in that building. But, knock on wood, at least we have heat in my building.

Current estimates are for power to be restored Sunday. I'm not sure how you estimate a 48 hour repair time for power restoration. "Ummm, how's two days for you? Two days good?" I don't think I can do the humpty dance for 48 hours but if there's nothing else to do, there's nothing else to do. Luckily, it's supposed to get to 8 tonight so there's plenty of incentive for shared bodily warmth.

It's crap weather like this that really makes you envy the lucky stiffs who get to go to Spring Training. I can honestly say this is the most I've ever thought about the weather in my entire life.

Don't worry, kids. I'm sure I'll be back to my normal craptacular topics come Monday. Maybe something crazy will happen in Ohio or another Bush executive will go on a five state killing spree. Keep your fingers crossed. And for those of you on the East Coast, enjoy!

The Next Year We Waited For

It begins today. No, I'm not talking about Mattress Sale Blowouts cleverly disguised as President's Day Events or post VD chocolate markdowns at your crappy grocery store who grossly overestimated the girth of their patrons.

Pitchers and catchers report.

Can you feel it? That sense of optimism of every team. Even the lowly Tigers who seem to be constantly re-tooling? This year it's another new manager, Jim Leyland. He was good (maybe even great) when he managed Pittsburgh. But then if I got to manage Andy Van Slyke, Bobby Bonilla and Barry Bonds (pre-roids), I might look like a manager of the year too. And if you don't recognize any of those names, don't worry. They were bona fide studs. Great players always make the manager look like a genius. Leyland was less successful in Florida and outright awful in Colorado. Luckily, he smokes which is probably a good thing if you're going to manage the Tigers.

But despite that cynicism, it's the crack of the bat, the smell of new cut grass, the cry of vendors ("Hot Knots" being my personal favorite of pretzel sellers everywhere), the taste of a ball park hot dog that you can't seem to get anywhere else, the crunch of peanut shells underfoot as you juggle a massive beer and a program down to your seat, the feeling of the sun on your face as you emerge from the darkened underground to the field proper, the misguided optimistic feeling that your team instead of the God Damn Yankees and Bosox might actually have a chance this year if everyone can just stay healthy for longer than two weeks.

Play ball, boys.

Sam the Meat Bandit (Part 2)

Do you remember Sam Dottore? He's the crafty criminal who stole a pot roast, then swiped a golf cart to make the 40 mile getaway to his home. Yes, of course, he's from Ohio!

The Man gave him 90 days for his lil caper.

At his sentencing, Sam said it was just stupidity, couldn't explain why he took someone else's golf cart and admitted to mixing alcohol with his psychiatric meds. Now that's a triple threat people.

Can you believe that good looking cat over there was subject to the vagaries of stupidity, drinking and self-medicating? Yeah, I know.

In his defense, it does look as if he wore one of his nicest flannel shirt to the sentencing hearing. That always makes a good impression on the Judge.

For Sam's sake, I hope he doesn't tell the fellow inmates he's in for stealing a frozen roast and a golf cart. That'll wind up making him someone's bitch for certain.

Better luck, Sam I Am. This one's for you. My apologies, Dr. Suess.

I do not like the frozen roast

I do not like it

Sam, I am

I do not like it in Medina

I do not like it in Carolina

I do not like it on a cart

I will not, can not, shop Super WalMart

I will not eat it on some breads

I will not mix it with my meds

I do not like it with a beer

I will not eat it on a pier

I will not like the state big house

That Judge is surely such a louse

3 months is unjustly unfair

Mayhaps an inmate will braid my hair

I will not, can not ever flee

With a golf cart to Sandusky

If I pull a stupid caper again

I'll be sure to bring a friend

Cheney's Got A Gun

While this begs for an audio post, it's against the Constitution. Think "cruel and unusual."

Cheney's got a gun
Great big old shot gun
Winging hunters on the run
What did that lawyer do?
Look out Scooter Libby too

They say that Cheney went a hunting
Lobbyist money grubbing
Dick's heart began a pumping
Tthe 12 gauge was a thumping
Whittington went astray

Cheney's got a gun
Media better run
Don't ask about his daughter
Or else he's gonna slaughter
Osama's lawyer too

Cheney's got a gun
W's almost done
Halliburton's stock up quick
Makes me want to be real sick
Tell me know that it split
Who did old Dicky screw?

Jesus, Mary & Aunt Jemima

I've told folks before that the crazy in Ohio isn't like the crazy in any other State. It goes to up to 11. And that's not just counting my relatives.

A couple in Beachwood, Ohio are selling a Jesus Pancake on eBay that they claim has the image of Christ on it. Use that Jesus Pancake link if you want to blow that picture up and take real good look for our Savior of Buckwheat & Maple Syrup.

This kind of crap even makes the news in Ohio. Not just the paper, the tv for crying out loud.

I don't see it. I mean I see a guy with a beard and eyes and a nose, but it looks like he's got some type of weird hat on his head.

Of course, I'm not very acquainted with divine visages in my breakfast foods. Or course, here's what another church has to say about it.

I think the real question is what kind of food would Jesus be likely to appear in? I don't think it would be any either deviled eggs or hot cross buns. Probably just a fish sandwich. Then he'd be combining the whole loaves and fishes thing.

Wow, we've gone from penises to Paris to Jesus in just one week. I'm so going to hell.

ead.

P.S. Thanks for all the nice things ya'll said about Paris.

Paris is Burning (and Itching)

Some news outlets are reporting that Paris Hilton has lost her diary. Man, that girl can't hang on to anything--her diary, her phone, her fiancee. I almost went with dignity there, but that was gone after she was in a show on Fox. Another outlet is reporting that there are allegedly 18 diaries for sale. And only for $20 million.

It's amazing. Who knew Paris knew how to write?

I'm guessing that Ms. Hilton failed to make payments on a storage facility where the items were kept. If you get far enough behind on your payments at one of those places, they can auction off your shit. They've got to let you know beforehand, but it's not difficult to imagine that Ms. Hilton might be behind on her written correspondence.

People seem to be speculating that the diaries might contain "risque stories and saucy images." Paris risque? I'm shocked to find gambling in Casablance. And by risque, they mean pornographic.

I can only imagine what entries in Paris Hilton's diaries might be like. Well luckily, this reporter was working the phones with all my contacts in LA and was able to come up with some entries from one of Paris' diaries. (And you knew we were headed here didn't you kids?)

3/15/04
Dear Diarey:
Nicole and I are headed to a klub. Maybe will meat some cute boyz? Hope so cuz that'd be hott. I love to dance. Even more with boyz. That's hott.

6/24/04
Dear Dairy:
Where have I bin for five months? My mouth tastes like ass and my ass hurts. Is this a tattoo or a rash?

7/4/04
Dear Dairey:
Tink is lost. :( Daddy said he'd bye me another just like hur.

8/15/04
Darey:
That bitch Nicole rooned my birthday. She showed that sextape I made in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed when I answered my phone. And she knows that's not my best side. I'll destroy that bitch.

10/3/04
Deyeree:
Met the cutest boy while in Yoorup. His name is Paris too so I can remember it easy. And I don't yell out the wrong name anymore when doing it. He gave me such a big ring. I really love it and he is okay too.

12/26/04
Diaree:
Paris wants to marry me! I knew learning to swallow it would be good for something some day. I'm so excitied. I'm gonna be just like a princesss with jools and a crown and a puppy.

1/4/05
Diareea:
Paris Mom & Dad hated me! They were so meen and rude. Paris (not me) said we'd still get married. Then his dad started yelling about fund trust and Paris (not me still) got all quiet. He was real quiet even after I blew him later.

2/15/05
D:
This wuz the wurst VD ever. Paris totally broke up with me bucuz of his mean old parents. Bitches! I'm am keeping the ring because it is so shiny and sparkly and hott.

And the diary mysteriously ends there. Poor Paris. Hope she gets those diaries back soon. It'd be terrible if something ruined her good name.

If you're lucky enough to find any of Paris's entries, be sure to leave a comment here, kids.

------------------------------------

PS. In a truly spooky coincidink, Kim posted about Paris too. Ya'll better make right with the Lord because Armageddon may be upon us.

At Least They're Not Made of Snow

I'm not sure what's gotten everyone fixated on all things phallic. Maybe it's Valentine's Day coming up and everyone wants to get their groove on. And while I'm unaware if Valentine's Day is celebrated in Germany, their football fans are certainly creative in their heckling.

Fans of Borussia Dortmund used inflatable penises (no word if they're giant) to shake at the opposing fans. They also had a banner which said the opposition should "procreate with themselves" according to the story. I'm guessing that was something in the realm of "Go Fuck Yourself." Unfortunately despite all the peterwaving, the game was a 0-0 tie. Wow, is soccer exciting or what.

That's probably why we'll stick to football here in the States. But I've got to admit, had all the Steelers fans at Ford Field been equipped with inflatable penises, the game would have even been better. Especially when Big Ben was introduced and everyone went wild with their peterwave. I'd like to see the censor try to blur that out.

Ramdom Musing Monday

Because I'm still recovering from Super Bowl fever, I've got nothing for a coherent topic this morning. Still that won't prevent me from posting the little pearls of wisdom (yeah, right) that buzz in my brain and prevent me from finally beating Tourette's Syndrome.

• What's the big deal about that French woman getting a new mouth, chin and nose?. Cher has had those for years.
• Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are breaking up (it is being reported). I heard that since he retired all he did was follow her around the house and made her crazy with incessant questions. At least we'll be spared all those "eating Crow" jokes from now on. No word on who gets custody of the puppy.
• I don't get the whole Mohammed cartoon protest thing. If people were going to go ape over a cartoon, you'd think it would be Tripping the Rift. And that's what separates us from the Muslim world, we have a sense of humor. If the Lebanese burn the Danish embassy, I think the Danes should throw bacon at the Lebanese embassy.
• I'll miss Grampa Munster. You might also know him as Al Lewis.
• Ben Roethlisberger still hasn't crossed that goal line. It's still good to see a kid from Findlay, OH make good though.
• Watch yourself. Courtney Love is back on the streets.

That's it, kids. I need a nap. Prime Time football just wears me out.

Boehner or Blunt?

Everyone who says the GOP doesn't have a sense of humor can just suck it. The Republicans have been making me laugh for years now. I just wish it were intentional. Comedy writers all over are thanking their lucky stars for this one.

The new House Majority Leader is John Boehner of Ohio. Don't fall for that "it's pronounced long a" nonsense. The Bone man cometh. Why doesn't it surprise me that the folks from Ohio picked a guy named Boehner to elect? The Boehner defeated Roy Blunt from Missouri.

I know that Republicans would rather have a Boehner than a Blunt any day of the week. They are the pro-life party after all.

Let's see if I can come up with a few headlines for this announcement:

• Boehner blows away Blunt
• Boehner up after Delay done
• Happy to see us, Boehner heads GOP
• GOP finally notices Boehner
• Boehner in Congress leads way
• Boehner breaks back to beat Blunt (you know the NY Post will steal this one)
• Boehner joins Bush atop party

These just write themselves, kids. Feel free to submit your own entendres. Hopefully you can get a Boehner of your own this weekend.

Without Dennis, It's a Sham

I wish this were made up. But it isn't. So be afraid, be very afraid.

Dennis Rodman is resigning as the Commissioner of the Lingerie Bowl. It's true and even got an honest to God press release.

Ostensibly Dennis is bailing because of a sponsorship conflict. But I know better. It's because the girls are shaving--points.

Now I'll confess to being wholly ignorant about the Lingerie Bowl. In fact if it's just one game, a commish seems fairly superfluous. Whether it's a cross-dressing marriage, Celebrity Mole or Celebrity Big Brother, only Dennis can bring his particular style of gravitas to an event. Without Dennis, it's just a freak show.

It's just a shame that no one can truly hope to fill Dennis's shoes as the Commish of the Lingerie Bowl. Now there's no reason to go to Detroit at all this weekend.

GSP Redux

I thought the attack of the giant snow penises was limited in its scope. But it must be more widespread than previously thought, because now it's being outlawed.

Ripon College in Wisconsin (80 miles NW of Milwaukee) is putting its collective foot down on the giant penis snow sculpture. And that's gotta hurt. A new policy at the college only allows tasteful sculptures that reflect the academic mission of the school. Now I don't know about your collegiate experience, but a giant phallus pretty accurately depicts the experience of most undergraduates at any school.

Setting the standard as "tasteless" however will only open the randy Ripon Red Hawks up to litigation. What about artistic expression and free speech? When giant snow penises are outlawed, only outlaws will have giant snow penises.

It's good to know that Ripon college has solved academic fraud, student loan poverty, underage (and binge) drinking, date rape and fraternity hazing so they can focus on the truly important things--like tasteless and offensive snow sculptures.

I'm just sorry Ripon college didn't have any swell pictures to post as examples of tasteless sculptures. Now we're all in the dark as to what will pass muster for the next Ripon College Snow Festival. Damn.