Paris is Burning (and Itching)

Some news outlets are reporting that Paris Hilton has lost her diary. Man, that girl can't hang on to anything--her diary, her phone, her fiancee. I almost went with dignity there, but that was gone after she was in a show on Fox. Another outlet is reporting that there are allegedly 18 diaries for sale. And only for $20 million.

It's amazing. Who knew Paris knew how to write?

I'm guessing that Ms. Hilton failed to make payments on a storage facility where the items were kept. If you get far enough behind on your payments at one of those places, they can auction off your shit. They've got to let you know beforehand, but it's not difficult to imagine that Ms. Hilton might be behind on her written correspondence.

People seem to be speculating that the diaries might contain "risque stories and saucy images." Paris risque? I'm shocked to find gambling in Casablance. And by risque, they mean pornographic.

I can only imagine what entries in Paris Hilton's diaries might be like. Well luckily, this reporter was working the phones with all my contacts in LA and was able to come up with some entries from one of Paris' diaries. (And you knew we were headed here didn't you kids?)

3/15/04
Dear Diarey:
Nicole and I are headed to a klub. Maybe will meat some cute boyz? Hope so cuz that'd be hott. I love to dance. Even more with boyz. That's hott.

6/24/04
Dear Dairy:
Where have I bin for five months? My mouth tastes like ass and my ass hurts. Is this a tattoo or a rash?

7/4/04
Dear Dairey:
Tink is lost. :( Daddy said he'd bye me another just like hur.

8/15/04
Darey:
That bitch Nicole rooned my birthday. She showed that sextape I made in front of everyone. I was so embarrassed when I answered my phone. And she knows that's not my best side. I'll destroy that bitch.

10/3/04
Deyeree:
Met the cutest boy while in Yoorup. His name is Paris too so I can remember it easy. And I don't yell out the wrong name anymore when doing it. He gave me such a big ring. I really love it and he is okay too.

12/26/04
Diaree:
Paris wants to marry me! I knew learning to swallow it would be good for something some day. I'm so excitied. I'm gonna be just like a princesss with jools and a crown and a puppy.

1/4/05
Diareea:
Paris Mom & Dad hated me! They were so meen and rude. Paris (not me) said we'd still get married. Then his dad started yelling about fund trust and Paris (not me still) got all quiet. He was real quiet even after I blew him later.

2/15/05
D:
This wuz the wurst VD ever. Paris totally broke up with me bucuz of his mean old parents. Bitches! I'm am keeping the ring because it is so shiny and sparkly and hott.

And the diary mysteriously ends there. Poor Paris. Hope she gets those diaries back soon. It'd be terrible if something ruined her good name.

If you're lucky enough to find any of Paris's entries, be sure to leave a comment here, kids.

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PS. In a truly spooky coincidink, Kim posted about Paris too. Ya'll better make right with the Lord because Armageddon may be upon us.