Spider Girl

I've written before about how sometimes you need a Cosmo Kramer. Someone who can just say what you've agonized about telling someone for ages.

And it's usually someone you don't know very well. Because you can tell a real friend everything. It's those middling folk who you're not sure how they'll take unsolicited advice. Well, it's happening again.

There's a girl who works at the tanner who looks like Tammy Faye Baker. Seriously, she wears more eye makeup than that.

Doesn't she have any friends? A boyfriend? A mother? Anyone who can tell her for to quit wearing so much mascara? I know it's only a matter of time before I blow. I'll have a cocktail in me and stop in and just blurt it out. "You look like a fucking raccon. Knock it off with the mascara!"

There's got to be another way, but how do you work up to that?

• "Do you know you have two spiders on your face?"
• "Do you often use a trowel to get ready in the morning?"
• "Did you enjoy clown college?"
• "Have you ever thought about the natural look?"
• "What color are your eyes?"
• "Are you thinking about marrying a disgraced televangelist?"

I'd love to get a picture to post it so you'd know I'm not exaggerating. But if I could trick her into a picture, I could probably just tell her anyway.

And if she takes it the wrong way (imagine the mascare trax if she starts crying), I'll never be able to go back there. That tanner will be dead to me, Fredo.