Whip It Good

Unless you don't own a fedora and a whip, you probably know that Indiana Jones and the Last Chance to Make a Buck starts this weekend. And because of their love of adventure and action, Cannes film goers got the first chance to see the fourth movie of the trilogy.

Luckily, I was able to trade some information with my extensive information network and get the scoop from my French counterpart, LeT2ed.

Here then are the Top Ten Little Known Facts of the New Indiana Jones Movie

10) Constantly wears fedora just to cover bald spot

9) Plans adventures around Matlock showings

8) Much more difficult to fight way onto speeding Nazi transport trucks while using a walker

7) Role of Short Round now reprised by Gary Coleman

6) Indiana is frequently mistaken for Face Melting Nazi until part way through the film when he has a little work done

5) Whip only used to keep kids off lawn

4) No longer fears snakes; now fears enlarged prostate

3) When boarding plane for Red Line of Exposition, Indy now has to pre-board

2) Leather jacket now has noticeable AARP logo

1) Indy no longer teaches because of "incident" with a female student

Yes, we're making fun of action stars who are older than our grandparents. Could I have beat that into the ground any more? I didn't think so. Now turn that darn theme music down, dammit.