New Amazing Products

The web store is really doing well. All of our double top secret, exclusive items are literally flying off the virtual shelves, online shopping cart, and into virtual customers homes and garages. If I didn't have swell ecommerce software, we'd have never been able to open Uberexclusive.com and make such a mint of money.

Luckily we're also heading into the holiday season so people are going to be using the shopping cart software to line my pockets with yuletide loot.

Here are just a few of the new products we've got in to help you make it a Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Christmas and Winter Solstice. We don't discriminate at Uberexlusive.com. We'll rip all creeds and colors off.

This just in:

• Ellen Degeneres autographed copy of The Jungle by Upton Sinclair
• Tea Cozies made from Ed Asner's back hair
• Miami Dolphin Offensive Game Plan from London (and signed by former offensive genius Cam Cameron)
• Mandy Moore's signed pledge to never appear drunk in public with or without underwear and thereby be ignored by the media
• This year's lost scripts for 24
• The positive movie reviews for Fred Clause
• Michael Vick's audition tape for The Dog Whisperer
• MP3 file of Robert Goulet's Hunka Hunka Burning Love cover
• The hopes of Chicago Bears fans everywhere
• Hillary Clinton's white paper titled "I'm For Everything"
• Rudi Guiliani's white paper titled "Not Me, No Wait...."
• Ann Curry's frantic cell phone call regarding the South Pole
• Matt Lauer's cell phone call to Katie Couric regarding the "south pole"
• Katie Couric's frantic cell phone call to her eyebrows
• Jay Leno's frantic cell phone call to Conan Schwarzzenegger
• Jay Leno's frantic cell phone call to Conan O'Brien
• Picture of Paris Hilton wearing Ed Asner tea cozy in public

This is sure to be a bargain bonanza. Order now, kids.