Chia Heavy Petting

One of the fellow drones here at Virtucon actually put down hard earned cash to purchase a Chia Pet. I can only surmise that the people who invented the Chia Pet thought that watching paint dry was too much fun and thought watching grass grow was somehow more soothing. This purchase also signals the dangers of sipping and shopping.

That someone would willingly squander $15 on almost 4 cents worth of merchandise got me thinking. Why can't I get in on the Chia Scam? I've got bad ideas all the time.

My idea -- Chia Ass. It combs with a little tiny comb so you can style the ass hair as it grows out on the cheeks.

But then my secretary had an even better idea--the Chia Groin. Available in both a men's and women's version, you can do your own "landscaping" to make any type of attractive patch you'd like. Not available in Brasil.

You just know these products will set off the religous right. And that means free publicity for the product. These are going to go like hotcakes, kids.

But now I've got that ch-ch-ch-ch-ia jingle stuck in my head. That's got to go.

And now a Chia Haiku:

Ch-ch-ch-chia

Will this get rich quick scheme work?

Please give me your cash.

Who Will Be Third?

I've written about this before, but celebrities always bite the dust in threes. It's a well known fact. And we've got two down with one to go (and unfortunately probably before the end of the year.

#1 was Vincent Schiavelli. That's his lovely mug over there on the right. You may not recognize the name, but you probably recognize the name. He was in such famous movies as One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Better Off Dead and Buckeroo Banzai. Yes, those are listed in order of cinematic importance. You may not have known that Vanity Fair had named him one of America's best character actors and that he had written three cookbooks. He was living in Italy and was only 57 when he died of cancer. Stay away from those smokes kids. They're nicknamed cancer sticks for a reason.

#2 is Michael Vale. Again you won't know the name, but you probably recognize the face. Yup it's the "It's time to make the doughnuts" Guy. Born in Brooklyn, Vale went to drama school with such notables as classmates Tony Curtis, Ben Gazzara and Rod Steiger. To bad for them they got to make a bunch of movies while Mikey starred in over 1300 commercials. A flack from the doughnut maker said Mikey "became a beloved American icon that permeated our culture and touched millions with his sense of humor and humble nature." This character in all those commercials was known as Fred the Baker. I did not know that, said Mr. Carson.

I do know that when I used to drink and dial in school one of my late night classics was waking up someone who didn't go out with us with "It's Time to Make the Doughnuts." That still makes me laugh to this day.

So be on Deathwatch 2005 for the rest of the year, kids. They always go in threes.

But Where's the Gigantic Snow Penis?

You can tell it's still a pretty slow news week because crap like this is still making it into the media. Yup, it's another Xmas display.

This 20 foot tall snowman (check out the house for some perspective) is in Akron, Ohio. For the geographically challenged, that's in the Northeastern part of the state.

I don't know where folks get the time to do this kind of stuff. It's all I can do to get packages wrapped and show up for work.

Now I've got relatives and friends who still live in Akron. And I can tell you one thing I know for certain, liquor was involved.

But if my relatives had pulled this caper off, a baseball bat would have been involved instead of those coal buttons.

You Say Potato, I Say Spud

Here's hoping ya'll scored the sweet Xmas booty and loot you truly wanted. It was truly a miraculous Xmas for yours truly. No clothes at all! The Amazon wish list is truly a godsend.

Wife scored sweet purses and is already using one of them. I was afraid she wouldn't like them as they're a little different. I also had her old diamond from her wedding ring and a pink pearl made into a pendant. She seemed happy and slightly amazed that I had the wherewithal to pull it off. Not from a financial standpoint, but from a style perspective. Because, after all, we men are just bears with pants.

Pre-Xmas dinner was fab as well. Prime Rib (which I've cooked before) with a horseradish sauce on the side and mashed potatoes. I can't believe that in all of my years of being the official chef of Shaque D'amour that I've never mashed a potato. Probably from being a devotee of the baked spud (and laziness).

Simply put, I can't believe any self-respecting home chef would ever mash a spud. Too much freakin' work. Peel, cut, boil, mash, blend, reheat and serve. Way too much work for this lazybones. They came out well, but man, I'm not going through that again. There's a good reason I like the Naked Chef. Low on fuss, high on flavor.

Now I gotta get my shit in gear for New Year's. No party, but Wife is requesting a Night of Romance. Love talk, hot monkey love, then cuddling. I snarkily asked what we'd do after 40 minutes had passed. Crickets in response.

Better get my thinking cap on.

Santa Kicks Some Ass

The Free Market News Network (hey, I haven't heard of them either) is reporting, that Santa not only knows whether you're being naughty and nice. He also knows how to kick your ass if you try any of the rough stuff.

Yep, the Jolly Old Elf himself chased off seven hooligans with an artificial Christmas tree. And he didn't start opening up the can of whup ass either. Apparently the "yutes" (thank you, Cousin Vinnie) knocked Santa down with a shopping cart first. So while Santa has many powers, Spidey Sense to warn him of impending danger isn't one of them.

Quote of the Story: "They were calling me a fraud and a fake. If it had happened on the street, I might have acted differently. I'd have given them a few choice words, but you can't do that dressed as Santa."

A cursing Santa? Never. But a Ninja Santa? Awesome.

Where is Trophy Wife Barbie?

I know we're all supposed to be culturally tolerant, diverse and appreciate opposing viewpoints.

But seriously, wtf. Which doll would you rather play with?

That's Fulla the Muslim doll who is Barbie's counterpart in the Muslim world and is supposed to be the fastest selling toy in the Middle East. Seriously, I'm not making this up.

My guess is that the Xbox 360 can't be found in the Middle East either. So in that sense, we're all alike after all.

Is Fulla also getting a Malibu Dream House, a sports car, or the take along case. If I were Ken, I'd be worried about what's under than burka.

Hope Santa brings you what you want, kids. Even if it is a Fulla doll.

Worthless Narcissist Crap

I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Wino was nice enough to include two of my little "episodes" in her Best of 2005 list in the Humor and Sports Categories. Thanks for the inclusion.

The two selected entries are:

Rudi in the Sky With Santa

Wie, Wie, Wie All the Way Home

Obviously, there was no scientific voting and no accounting firm audited the results. I think it's mostly just the matter of having smart ass headlines. This is also the reason the NY Post is woefully unappreciated as great literature. But then most of it is fictional.

And in my defense, none my TO rants are included in the Sports category. Of course, I'm not sure a stream of consciousness about how TO is an assbag really counts as a post about sports.

If you want to read some good stuff and not just my early morning ramblings, head over there for some enlightened discourse.

Now This is a Display

I'm not certain if this counts or not.

Gotta love the headline, "Police whack giant snow penis." Wonder if they wore gloves or used lubricant when they were whacking it? They should have thrown milk around afterward.

Quote of the story: Now we're going to get snow penises popping up all over town.

Granted it's nothing as nice as a Santa holding a severed head, but anytime you can say to your parents, "Um, there's a gigantic snow penis on the lawn," that's got to earn you some points.

I can honestly say that when I was dating, I never had a girl like me enough to sculpt a gigantic snow penis on my lawn. But that's probably just as well.

There's a line in "Some Enchanted Evening" that says "once you have found her, never let her go." Basically it's Rodgers and Hammerstein's way of saying, "she's a keeper." I'd say that this young girl is a keeper. Any girl who loves you enough to create a gigantic phallic symbol where everyone in town will see it, probably doesn't embarrass easily. She also had the presence of mind to make it gigantic. High praise, indeed. How you explain to your parents why she's so familiar with the old block and tackle is another story. Probably just give your Dad and wink and mumble something about "moths to the flame" and let him deal with Mom.

And how do I know that "gigantic snow penis" is going to get all sort of search engine traffic for people that really aren't looking for my smart ass blog?

More Scary Xmas Displays

The use of decidely non-traditional Christmas displays is not limited to the confines of Oklahoma (where the wind comes sweeping down the plain).

There are also murderous displays in Manhattan. This display is described as:

A scene that includes a knife-wielding 5-foot-tall St. Nick and a tree full of decapitated Barbie dolls. Hidden partly behind a tree, the merry old elf grasps a disembodied doll's head with fake blood streaming from its eye sockets.

Now I'm no psychologist (and don't even play one on tv), but there's a lot going on there. A lot that you don't want to have any part of.

I'll confess to previously being wholly unaware of any of this type of Xmas display prior to this year. And I thought I lived next to some whackos before. Just be happy these aren't your neighbors.

CSI: North Pole or Ho, Ho, Ohhhhh...

If those Salvation Army bell ringers, unending Christmas carols, crowded shopping malls and rude sales clerks are already getting to you, this is for you.

In Oklahoma (where the wind comes sailing down the plain), the Dent Depot in Oklahoma City has a Christmas display you'll definitely want to see. Enjoy the pix and the swell video goodness.
Santa is snuffed and face down on the ground with an arrow in his back. There are also reindeer doing crowd control and crime scene tape. A Grinch holding a bow and arrow will be added to the roof.

Which of course raises the question of whether the Grinch acted alone. Maybe we can hold a congressional hearing into the whole matter.

Ravenous Squirrel Pack

WARNING: NOT FOR THE SQUEAMISH (YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED)

I've written before about how it's been brought to my attention that all animals everywhere want to kill us. Tim Bedore is the genius who uncovered the consipracy.

And while squirrels have usually been confined to providing recon for the larger, biting, killing weapons of mass destruction, that's over. It's time to be afraid, be very afraid, kids. Squirrels have moved from being mere spotters to the front line grunts in the War on Man.

A stray dog was barking at squirrels in a tree. The squirrel response? "They literally gutted the dog," said local journalist Anastasia Trubitsina.

Then they ran away with pieces of the flesh! This tell us that they are barbarian squirrels ignoring the rules of the Geneva Convention on the treatment of war casualties. They're worse than the Taliban! It must be true because it's on the interweb and it's from a Soviet Newspaper.

So watch your chimney or that next barking dog may be you! Do not under any circumstances carry nuts or acorns in your pockets unless you have a death wish.

Everyone Loves Good Head (Lines)

As you can probably tell if you read this lil pile o' goofy on a fairly regular basis, I love a great headline.

I don't think the folks who write for the New York Post get their journalistic kudos for the wacky (and most likely alliterative) headlines they come up with on a daily basis.

And while I'm tooting my own horn, I've managed a couple that bordered on genius (or at least cringeworthy) efforts:

• Wie, Wie, Wie All the Way Home (about Michelle Wie)
• Vikes, Vikes Baby (about the Minnesota Vikings Love Boat sex scandal)
• TO, TO, It's Off the Team You Go (about Assbag Owens)
• Lesbian Cheerleader Bathroom Sex Catfight (about the Carolina Panthers)

Actually, I don't think that last one is that clever, but I think it's funny how it improves my search engine rankings from all the pervs looking for pix. Get over it, boys!

So it was with some delight that I read the St. Petersburg Times actually issued an apology to its readership for too many punning headlines. It's true.

For the record, here are the transgressions of the Times:

• Welcome back, clutter (about junk accumulating in our houses)
• Caws for celebration (about urban crows)
• Ex-es of evil (about politicians and their former wives)

Maybe I can start freelancing for those guys?

Pranksgiving aka Turkey Hijinx

I realize that it's too late to pull these off for Thanksgiving. Thus, trot these out for Xmas.

#1) Take the neck of the turkey and insert it into your fly. Answer the door with it hanging out of your pants. Do not mention the "exposure" to anyone. Act as if it's completely natural.

#2) Cook a cornish game hen the day before dinner. Insert it into the turkey prior to cooking. When the turkey is done, remove the hen and loudly proclaim, "We must have gotten a pregnant bird." This really freaks out the pro-lifers. Eventually explain to them that turkeys lay eggs. Dummies.

#3) Post a sign at work (anonymously of course) that promises free turkeys to anyone who shows their badge or business card at a local grocery store. Explain that it's a "Your Business" Customer Appreciation Event. Just go talk to the manager and request your free turkey. Yes, you will have people you work with who are gullible enough to fall for this.

Have fun kids!

Rudi in the Sky with Santa

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Wednesday) night at 8 pm on CBS. Check your local listings kids. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is older than me!

And it's that great/crappy claymation that you love. And it's a great drinking game to take a sip everytime Rudolph's nose lights up. We used to play in law school and called it, "He Lights, You're Lit." It's a classic. Don't get me started about showing Xmas specials before it's even December.

Now because I've seen this show so many times (and can actually do most of the dialogue), I have an appreciation for the various subtexts of the show. Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the constant struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?
• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?
• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern educational system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is ostracized because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Detail the homo-erotic undertones in the reindeer practice.
• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the movie.
• Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?
• All the elf women are identical. Is this an argument for cloning?
• Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?
• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?
• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?
• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?
• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?
• Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?
• The worst snowstorm ever is an indictment of global warming. Do reindeer seem a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?
• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumbles crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?
• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left?
• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Is he gay also? Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?
• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Does he pull the Bumble's teeth out to allow greater oral gratification? Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?
• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?
• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at problems and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun tomorrow, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up. This only makes the intellectual discussions more animated.

Mooch is Free

It's being reported that Detroit Lion head coach Steve Mariucci (aka Mooch) is being fired today. The press conference is scheduled for 4:00 pm EST.

I'm of the opinion that Mooch should have to stay here and suffer with the rest of us.

If you're not that familiar with "Lion style" football, note the following salient facts:

• won 1 playoff game since 1957
• before he joined the Lions, Mooch was 60-43 in 6 years as the head coach of the 49ers
• after he joined the Lions, Mooch was 15-28
• since team President Matt Millen joined the organization, the Lions are an NFL worst 20-55 (this record earned Millen a 5 year contract extension earlier this year)

Yep, Steve, you sure got dumb once you moved back to Michigan. I just feel sorry for whatever poor sucker gets this job next. That'll probably be head coach Dick Jauron the current defensive coordinator. Oh, and he was the former head coach of the Chicago Bears and stunk when he coached there (record of 35-46). Somehow that seems fitting for the Lions.

The Lions really are one of the shittiest franchises in professional sports.

Thanks for the Giving

It's official. Assbag (aka T.O.) isn't going to play the rest of the year after the arbitrator upheld the Eagles actions concerning their wayward wide receiver. So TO sits for the remainder of the year. Man, I'm thankful we won't have to hear TO run his jib anymore.

And Gene Upshaw, nice move dismissing arbitrator Richard Bloch (who made the decision in the TO hearing) from the pool of NFLPA arbitrators. Classy. Yup in true sour grapes fashion after losing the case, the players union won't let Bloch rule on any more matters. I'm thankful I don't work for Gene Upshaw who fires anyone who rules against him.

I'm also thankful that Nick Lachey is a free man. Yes, the stars of Newlyweds, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have officially separated. It just proves that a man will eventually tire of a stupid woman no matter how big her boobs are. I confess to watching Newlyweds and thinking that Nick was a saint to put up with that bubblehead. And you know its serious because the split was made in a joint statement by their publicists. Ah, true love. No word on the rumors that the split was over an argument about Jessica attending medical school. I can't wait to start selling my "Nick is Free" t-shirts online.

Quote of the Week aka It Ain't All About the Bread

It's a doozy this week. If you haven't heard, the Detroit Lions have filed a grievance against their receiver Charles Rogers seeking the return of some 10 million dollars of his 14 million dollar signing bonus because of his recently failed drug test. Got that? They gave him 14 extra large when they drafted him and now they want some of it back because Charles likes the chronic more than practice. But then who doesn't.

I especially like that they hold Charles responsible for his conduct off the field. Yet the people who brought Charles to Detroit (and I'm talking to you Matt Millen) somehow aren't responsible for the outcome of their decision. Hmmm, interesting how that works.

When asked how he could play hard for a team that was trying to take back 10 million dollars, Charles replied with this little gem:

"Because this is football, man. This is the game you love, man. We was playing this game for free when we was born. It ain't all about the bread, you know?"

Just remember that as you go shopping this holiday season, kids. It ain't all about the bread, indeed, Charles.

Make sure to root for the lowly Lions against those godless heathens the Falcons in the Turkey Day Bowl. And don't forget to root against TO in the arbitration hearing. The results are due today.

Shameless Corporate Shilling (Updated)

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I love corporate shilling. I get such joy from reading some flack's copy that is utter bullshit and that doesn't even pass the straight face test. I don't know why I'm wired that way, but I find this crap hi-fucking-larious.

If you used to live in Clark, Texas, now you live in DISH, Texas. Yes, wily corporate weasels are rubbing their hands together over this coup.

Rejected names for Dish, TX included:

• You'll have to buy another receiver if you want two shows, TX
• More porn than you can possibly consume, TX
• Damn that's a big saucer, TX
• Nothing good is on, TX
• Reality shows still suck, TX

This idea might catch on. What if other companies sponsored other cities?

• Love Canal, renamed Trojan, NY
• Salt Lake City renamed Budweiser, UT
• Kansas City renamed Chili's Babyback Ribs, MO
• New York City renamed Kevlar Jacket, NY

Maybe you can think of others kids? I've been laying off the creativity juice lately so I'm not hitting on all cylinders in the craziness department lately.

UPDATED 11/23: Per Kris's request, here add my add on's for our nation's capitol: (yes it really is that slow at work today)

DC would probably have to be auctioned off to the highest bidder:

• Chico's Bail Bonds, DC (for those pesky indictments)
• Pinkerton, DC (for all your special investigatory needs)
• Charles Schwab, DC (because we know Senators have all the best stock tips)
• Hustler, DC (we know how you pick your interns)
• eBay, DC (because everyone is for sale)
• Sprint, DC (because you need anytime minutes when all you do is talk)
• Ogilvy & Mather, DC (because it's all about the spin)
• Kodak, DC (for all those photo ops)
• Michelin, DC (we never leak)
• Federal Express, DC (when the bribe absolutely, positively has to be there overnight)
• The National Guard, DC (all the photo ops, none of the danger)
• Crack, DC (good enough for Marion, good enough for you)

I'm a Victim I tell ya

It's not my fault. I'm a victim of my heritage.

Driver says he drank a lot because of his heritage

I'm using this excuse the next St. Patrick's Party I go to.

I do know a 100% Irishman who doesn't drink at all. I secretly think that's why they kicked him out of Ireland and forced him to do IT work here in the States.

Quote of the Week

It's my favorite subject, the assbaggery of TO and his slimy agent, Drew Rosenhaus.

"He's [Rosenhaus] a rat that belongs in the gutter. I can smell him a mile away. That guy doesn't care about Terrell. He's recruiting for next year's player."

--Cowboys wide receiver, Keyshawn Johnson in his weekly NFL Sirius Radio Show

Here's hoping that TO loses his grievance hearing today.