I'd like to apologize to all my fans. Both of you.
I've let you down. I've also let my team, my manager, my entourage the sport and the vendors down. I've also let my guard, defenses, firewall and pants down. Especially the pants.
I was young and naive. I felt the pressure to keep blogging every day. I had to meet the expectations of such a big contract. Especially since I didn't have one.
Yes, I've used performance enhancing drugs.
Typically, I would take a pharmacopoeia of pharmaceuticals and evenly distribute them on the floor. Rolling around on Vioxx, Levitra, Clearasil, Massengil, Leptovox, Echinacea, Fish Oil, Vitamin C, Cialis, Everclear, Valvoline VR1 Racing Oil, HGH, Progesterone, Testosterone and Pespi One never failed to inspire me. It was too tough to come up with all those boobie jokes on my own. And I lacked the confidence to think I could do it on my own.
But even though I used to cheat during the years of 2001 until 2003, I'd like to come clean and let everyone know that it's over. It's been just me since then. Sure I was lying to you before, but I'm telling you the truth now. You can trust me even though I've been named in the Mitchell Report, the McLaughlin Report, the Weather Report, the Book Report, and the Warren Commission Report.
But all the awards, the MVP's, the Pulitzer Prizes, sex with washed up pop stars and the endless whining for a big book, syndication, Google Ad, movie deal or some other way to cash in and sell out big time were all me. With a little help from my friends: Dave, Craig, Bob & Tom, The Muse, The Wife, the Hell Hounds, and especially Foster.
I'd just like to reiterate: I'm very, very sorry. That I got caught.
Now I'll be posing for some suitably contrite photos for the next five minutes. After that, I release the hounds.