Friday, February 27, 2009

Damn Yankees

If you hadn't heard, Alyssa Milano is writing a book about baseball.

I know! No one told me that Alyssa Milano could write.

Sorry, that was just way too easy.

Now you may be wondering what qualifies her to write a book about baseball. That's easy--her breasticles. I'm just kidding. I'm sure she's a very sweet, talented, amazing writer. With fantastic fun bags that defy gravity.

Just take a look at that cover. See how they are trumpeting her vast qualifications and prior prose endeavors. That's some Grade A Marketing.

And check out that grueling book tour schedule. Four separate stores! And as far away as Brooklyn. So you can see why she's a Dodgers fan. They only left Brooklyn before she was born. I'm sure you can pick up that bit of history and other minutiae in the book.

But "Safe at Home?" Lame.

Here are some suggestions for the fine folks at Harper Collins who seem to be so quick to send a rejection letter when an aspiring author sends them a treatment missive. Or so I've heard.

Rejected Names for Alyssa Milano's Baseball Book
  • Who's the DH?
  • Players I've Banged
  • Embrace of the Umpire (both of you who've seen this sex fueled movie, you're welcome)
  • During Orgies, Players Must Remain in Batting Order
  • My Cousin Injected Me, But I'm Sorry Now
  • Getting to Third Base With Alyssa Milano
  • Bleacher Reacher Around
  • Not a Spitter
  • Is That a Cup or Are You Just Glad to See Me?
  • Alone on the Mounds
  • Bang the Girl Slowly
  • The UnNatural
  • Confessions of a Sorority Baseball Annie
  • Who's On Me First?
  • He's Scratching Because He Loves Me
  • Poison Ivy at Wrigley Field
  • Casey at the Bust
  • Los Angeles Lolita (Alyssa's finest role)
  • Bull Dunhim Already
  • Touch 'Em Both
  • Take Me Out and Ball Me
  • Don't Stop Unless You're Short

If I've somehow managed to overlook any of the esteemed work of Ms. Milano, mea culpa. Now I've got to go get a cookie.


Roxrocks said...

What about "Everything I know about baseball I learned from Judith Light!"

Oy, I have to get over this flu.

foundinidaho said...

Okay, you did forget one, unless the reference was obscure-

How to be a baseball "Commando" -

she was Arnold's daughter in it.


reigningfrog said...

"Who's On Me First" is genius.

How about "Buy Me For Peanuts and Cracker Jack" or "Don't Expect Any Naked Pictures-- My Mom Took Them Out."

It also doesn't seem fair to not have a "Commando" reference, but I'm drawing a blank. Same for her fine work on "Charmed."