Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Funeral For a Friend

Have you been in line at the checkout and the asshat behind you is so close you can feel his breath on your neck? I wanted to turn around and say "Listen. No matter what happens, you're next."

Bless you, Tommy for putting into words exactly what I was feeling.

That's why I shop online so much. That and having to actually interact with strangers. But I'm being forced to go to CrapCo--for information.

See the Wife went there and bought a 45 pack of peanut butter crackers for some reason. She may have thought we were going to be held hostage or snowed in or preparing for the rapture or something. I eat maybe 2 of these a week. So this package of peanut butter crackers should last until about the next Olympics.

But these are recalled crackers. Yes as part of the Great Peanut Butter Scare of '09, these are tainted. And theoretically Kellogg's is allowing you to get a refund at their swell customer service number at 877-869-5633. And they ask you how much money you spent on the crackers.

So this is your big chance to cash in. But I'm figuring they're not complete idiots. If they figured out how to completely automate the phone system so that you can't ever really talk to a person, you probably just can't make up a big, hairy round number and get away with it. So all you sucks who went for a million dollars for your answer are screwed.

That's why I figured I'd go to CrapCo's website and just find out how much the crackers cost and then add a handling fee, transportation fee, convenience fee, and undercoating fee to come up with some slightly exaggerated number that might still pass the straight face test.

Except CrapCo doesn't have the crackers on their site. But they do have caskets. Serial.

Why does CrapCo sell caskets? As a service to their members. Oh, that makes perfect sense then. It's not odd at all. It must just be me.

And CrapCo doesn't just sell caskets online, but caskets with expedited shipping. That's what happens when you don't have time to go to your local Casket Carnival.

Now I'll confess to never having planned a funeral. But I'm pretty sure I'd remember the casket. Because it'd be pretty embarrassing to be on the way to MeeMaw's funeral and remember that you need to all of a sudden find an internet cafe so you can order a casket for delivery that afternoon.

That's why I want to plan ahead and buy a casket now. You can probably fill it with ice and beer for watching the game. But those gunmetal grey jobbies are probably going to scratch up the wood flooring when the hounds start wrasslin' and moving furniture all over the place.

So if anyone knows how much a grundle of recalled peanut butter crackers should cost, let me know. Because otherwise I'm pretty sure that my crackers cost $2,599.99. Amazingly the same cost as the Edwards Casket. Or a really big tv. What a coincidence.


foundinidaho said...

That is just wrong. On so many levels.

Anonymous said...

Let's see, they sell food (only some of which might actually be salmonella free and good for you) in bulk, which makes it easy for people to overeat on things like mayonnaise, thus leading to obesity, thus leading to heart disease and diabetes, thus leading to...well, you get it.

The real question is: what don't they sell there?

Roxrocks said...

There was a comedian on Last Comic Standing a couple of years ago named Chris something or other. Anyway, he does a bit about "You can buy a casket at Costco but then everyone will know you put grandpa in a Costket." It's frigging funny!

You can buy one at Costco, but don't they come in a six pack?

Anonymous said...