#1) Dancing Regulations
At Bountiful High School (home of the Braves), students aren't being allowed to get their freak on.
The Regulations outlaw "vulgar, seductive, or inappropriate movements." Guess the Ram Dance that made me so famous during high school is definitely out. If dancing isn't meant to be vulgar, seductive or inappropriate, how come the Solid Gold Dancers were so popular?
No grinding or freaking is allowed. Luckily, the regulations are silent about Slow Dancing Pup Tents. Which would be a great name for a rock and roll band by the way.
The Regs go on to prohibit clothing deemed too tight, short, low-cut or anything stationed lower than the shoulder blades. Really, clothing can never be too tight or low-cut.
Straps on dresses for formal dances must be at least two inches wide. Spaghetti straps are banned and sheer fabric is off-limits. Wow, my oh-so-petite date to the senior prom would have been 86'ed under these rules. Sandra, if you're out there, I hope you finally got those implants that would have boosted your self esteem. Some boys are fine with a B cup. I swear.
Off-limits for guys is any clothing deemed "slovenly" or worn "for protest, defiance, dissent, or displays obscene, illegal substances, or suggestive words or pictures. So leave your Buck Fush shirt at home, young man.
Banning dirty dancing? This is what we've got to be worried about? It's not like any of the kids from Bountiful are Vice Presidential Candidate Daughters or anything.
It's still a truism after all these years.
Did we learn nothing from Footloose?
Bless you Kevin Bacon, where ever you are.