Tuesday, September 16, 2008

You Make Me Feel Like Dancing

It's happened. The first reason not to love Utah.

#1) Dancing Regulations

At Bountiful High School (home of the Braves), students aren't being allowed to get their freak on.

Fascists Administrators at the school are requiring student sign Dance Participation Regulations.

The Regulations outlaw "vulgar, seductive, or inappropriate movements." Guess the Ram Dance that made me so famous during high school is definitely out. If dancing isn't meant to be vulgar, seductive or inappropriate, how come the Solid Gold Dancers were so popular?

No grinding or freaking is allowed. Luckily, the regulations are silent about Slow Dancing Pup Tents. Which would be a great name for a rock and roll band by the way.

The Regs go on to prohibit clothing deemed too tight, short, low-cut or anything stationed lower than the shoulder blades. Really, clothing can never be too tight or low-cut.

Straps on dresses for formal dances must be at least two inches wide. Spaghetti straps are banned and sheer fabric is off-limits. Wow, my oh-so-petite date to the senior prom would have been 86'ed under these rules. Sandra, if you're out there, I hope you finally got those implants that would have boosted your self esteem. Some boys are fine with a B cup. I swear.

Off-limits for guys is any clothing deemed "slovenly" or worn "for protest, defiance, dissent, or displays obscene, illegal substances, or suggestive words or pictures. So leave your Buck Fush shirt at home, young man.

Banning dirty dancing? This is what we've got to be worried about? It's not like any of the kids from Bountiful are Vice Presidential Candidate Daughters or anything.

It's still a truism after all these years.

Did we learn nothing from Footloose?

Bless you Kevin Bacon, where ever you are.


Roxrocks said...

Nobody puts Baby in the corner, Utah!

That mom who was impersonating the teenager in the last post needs to go to Utah and get her freak on! Shake it up a bit!

Reigning Frog said...

roxrocks stole my line. Good one!

I've got nothing.

Kate said...

I was thinking back on Flashdance myself...

lostinutah said...


That's what I'm sayin'...

lostinutah said...

It might be the first thing, by the way...it definitely won't be the last.

Dani said...

I went to Bountiful High and took on community counsel on this very issue in 2004. I remember one woman commenting that she didn't want her son to feel pressured to touch a girls back skin when they dance.

Her back skin. Seriously?

Those community counsel bitches made me cry and stopped just short of calling me a slut for wanting to wear dresses that wasn't Jesus Jamie appropriate. Horrible people with nothing better to do on Tuesday nights.

I can't believe it finally passed. Sad face.

cdp said...

All I could think about while reading this was Kevin Bacon doing a dance/gymnastics routine while smoking a cigarette in an abandoned warehouse where he parked his Herbie.