Buck up, Slugger! This is just a temporary setback. Sure you can't run for an elected position for 5 years, have to go to the joint for 4 months, and cough up a million bucks for your fine. You're getting a slap on the wrist! You act contrite at a news conference and you're back on top, baby. We'll get a book ghost written, have it in Oprah's Book Club, do a quickie interview, whip up some tears and you'll be hotter than ever.
And just because you can't run for office, don't think you're out of politics. You can still be appointed. How does Interior Secretary of Booty Procurement sound to you?
Can you say "Kwame in DC" by 2016? Think about it. A run for the Senate in 6 years. Two years later it's on to the White House. Sounds a lot like the plan of another candidate for office right now.
What are you supposed to do? Can you help it if the ladies always fall for the smoove jazz you throw at them? You can't help it that you're a supercharger power steering rack sex machine.
Let's face it. You'll always have some baggage. It's not every mayor who gets caugt in a sex scandal with his Chief of Staff. But you can turn that around.
How about a brief stay at a sex clinic? Sure Duchovny's already doing that but we'll spin it. America loves a comeback. You know you're going to appeal to a certain segment of the electorate.
I've been kicking around a couple of ideas for how we make you into a victim here. See if any of these float your boat:
- voodoo spell
- uncontrollable pheremone release
- Colt .45
- Republican conspiracy
- Error in priapism prescription
- She stalked you
But this time around we'll do it on the down low. No stripper parties at Manoogian Mansion. Instead just you and the Chief of Staff for a late meeting at a quiet hotel near the airport. And no texting!
Just give the head's up to the highway patrolmen and they'll make sure she's brought up to your room nice and quiet like. We're going to learn from the Past Master who had a taste for the strange.
Now I gotta get to a meeting with John Edwards.