I have no idea why so many asses are in the news right now. Probably the election. Zing! Hiyooooooo. Okay, enough of that rubbish.
Story #1: In Monkey News, scientists have discovered that chimps can identify the body type simply by looking at the booty in a picture. Scientists showed pictures of male and female buttocks to chimps and the animals were able to make the correct butt and face pairing so as to identify the sex of the pictured animal.
The pervy scientists (who conveniently had an explanation for why they had so many pictures of monkey butts) claim this means that chimps can recognize the whole body of chimps they've interacted with. I'm not really certain why this is important as most men can do the same thing with boobies.
Story #2: In Germany a bankrobber was identified by her bonkadonk booty. It seems someone identified only as having a very large backside and powerful thighs robbed a bank in Norf, Germany. Weeks later, a man identified the robber as he was standing behind her in line at the same bank. He called police and they found a ski mask and a gun on the bootylicious burglar.
I just hope Tyra has a good defense lawyer.
Story #3: Our final cheeky bit of news comes from Valentine, Nebraksa where someone has made quite an impression on the town of 2800. For more than a year a man has been leaving the imprint of his buttocks and sometimes groin on the windows of the town.
And this is no ordinary pressed ham as the perpetrator leaves smears of petroleum jelly or lotion on the window. Try to keep that image out of your head as you enjoy your bagel and a schmear this morning. The only partial identification of the Butt Bandit is from a video camera that shows he is about 6 feet tall with dark hair in a 1980's feathered look.
You'd think in a town of 2800 it wouldn't be too hard to narrow down the suspects. Maybe they can get some of those chimps from our first story to identify the culprit? That sounds like more fun that trying to get backside DNA from all the potential culprits.
Well I've done enough making an ass out of myself this week. It's time to get back to relaxing for the weekend. Sit around a smoke a rump roast perhaps. Enjoy the weekend booty, kids!