Monday, September 29, 2008

Don't You (Forget About Me)

In Middletown, CT, there's a growing sense of chaos and anarchy at Middletown High School (home of the Blue Dragons).

It seems that 28 high school seniors had to be suspended for two days after they COOKED BREAKFAST ON SCHOOL GROUNDS! Luckily, Principal Robert Fontaine was able to quell the nascent riot before things got any more out of hand or the eggs had been cooked.

Quote of the story: "We didn't have beer, we didn't have weed, we had bacon."

Who knows what might have happened if these cafeteria criminals were allowed to serve their illicit pork products to the unsuspecting masses of freshmen at the school? Sure, the first piece of bacon is free. And then you're hooked. Soon you're freebasing smoked ham, craving omelettes at noon and skipping your acne treatments to blow the money on pancakes. This could even lead to inappropriate dancing! And jokingly calling them the Breakfast Club just exacerbates the problem. Don't try to use your mass media mind tricks on a tool of the educational system.

Well I for one defend the right of these students to assemble and use propane in public. What is our educational system coming to when lawfully assembling students are deprived of their right to life, liberty and breakfast meats. Especially bacon. Our founding fathers and mothers would lay down their life for a piece of hickory smoked bacon. Mmmmm, bacon.

As Patrick Henry famously declared, "Give me another piece of bacon or give me death!"

Godspeed young bacon rebels, godspeed. Fight the power. When bacon is outlawed only outlaws will have bacon. Rise up you patriots of pork products. Throw off the shackles of our horrible bacon rationing that limits us to two pieces per serving at most commercial establishments. You can have my bacon when you pry it from my cold dead hand.

Or if it's cooked too long. I hate that.

Let's just hope this isn't going to go on the permanent records of these high schoolers. Or maybe they'll all just attend the Culinary Institute and have the most kick ass tailgate parties ever.