Thursday, April 24, 2008

What a Wonderful World

This Saturday is Earth Day. I thought starting my own religion was a scam and a tax dodge and a reason for Green Programming. I've got nothing on Earth Day. This Earth Day I'm turning on all the lights in my house, putting the newspapers in the regular bin instead of the recycling bin and then going for a drive for no reason at all. In the carpool lane. Yup, I'm a rebel!

We're actually having an entire WEEK of Earth Day activities at the Universal Import & Export office. Yesterday, it was a walk. Yes, we were supposed to cease our appointed toil and go outside and just wander around. It just made me wish I smoked.

We even had a poster. Woot!
The best thing about it, they actually had to right in teeny tiny letters at the bottom:

(This is dirt, not poop)

With an arrow no less.

I'm just glad someone (other than me) made a poopy comment about the poster. A comment so on target that non-poop had to be labeled as such.

And before I get off Earth Day, if I see another electric car driving slow in front of me, I swear I'm going to run it off the road. Douchebag, do you really think you're helping the environment by driving an electric car? Oh that's right. Unlike gasoline which comes from fossil fuels, electricity comes from magic fairies. It's not coal or nuclear power, it's magic fairy pixie dust which powers our electric cars.

Seriously, if you're that concerned about Al Gore's Scaremengering Power Point Presentation, your only alternative is to take the train or the bus. And both suck. And no one ever saw the girl of their dreams while they were waiting at a stop light and then spent all night riding the bus trying to track her down.

Sweet Baby Jebus, Earth Day sucks. It's got to be before Cinco de Mayo so you can understand how pious and lame and sanctimounious Earth Day is in comparison to a real made up marketing holiday that's a lot of fun. That's what is going to stimulate the economy and save the planet.

Cinco de Mayo celebrates a victory over the French. Good thing the Germans don't do that our you'd never see a Mercedes Benz get finished. Why were the French protests of the Olympic Torch so important? Because it's the first time the French didn't let someone run over their country.

Now I gotta go plant 6 trees the Wife bought for Earth Day.

4 comments:

Dunebuggy said...

So have they started printing Earth-Day greeting cards yet? I can see it coming. They'll be printed on recycled paper, of course. And if you don't recycle the card when you're done, the recycle Nazi's will punish you.

kitkat said...

Douchebag, do you really think you're helping the environment by driving an electric car

Driving slowly is better for the environment, and while I don't drive slowly, I am a douchebag who drives a hybrid. And yes, I am helping the environment because, electricity aside, it's a zero-emission vehicle. Electricity doesn't come from magic fairies but neither does air pollution. Some might also say it's a good idea to decrease our dependence on oil (we don't have to get electricity from the Middle East).

I'm sorry you had to go for a walk and enjoy the outdoors. I'm sure it was terrible.

t2ed said...

kit, there's nothing more fun than walking around an industrial park. I love the wide open spaces of paved lots.

I want my hydrogen-powered, flying car promised to me in The Jetson. Dammit, where's my flying car?

Also the EPA has recently issued new regs on Magic Fairy Emissions.

Greg W said...

Hilarious. This has got to be a parody. Nobody is this cynical about how we are destroying nature for our own enjoyment.

I put you on my favorites list on Verve because I can't wait to see what you come up with next.