Because I'm a helluva guy (just ask me), I'm supposed to review a website called:
Balanced News Blog
Now I'm not sure why anyone would want my cynical self to review anything like this. First, it seems serious. It's not making fun of the talking heads who think we're too stupid to form our own opinions about the news, so they make sure we think the right thing about the news--their opinion. And they're not making fun of the news like the Onion. So they've got an uphill battle right there with me. What's the chance I can be serious for an entire post? There are two chances: slim and none. And Slim is out of town.
Second, I'm immediately suspicious of anyone who claims to be "balanced." That's like going to the Honest Used Car lot. You know you're getting screwed there. They should have just gone with some other name and let the esteemed readers come to the conclusion that the news was being presented in a balanced way. I'd have gone with the "Neither a Corporate Toady Nor Shrill, Annoying Liberal News Blog." And you know that domain name is available.
Third, by requesting this of me, that means that someone thinks (from reading the crazed ramblings here) that I know something about the news. This speaks to a remarkable lack of judgment on my readership. Someone once said to me (and I'd link to you, but I can't because of the constraints of this review format), I know you're usually joking, so I take what you say with a grain of salt. I replied, "The whole shaker, baby." So if anything I say is going to make you go to that blog or trick a search engine into thinking it's good, so be it. If not, meh.
It's not like I'm going to corner the market on content about Dan Blocker and Spanking or anything. Just try that search term in Google and see how impressed you are by the way.
So I should probably say something substantive about the Balanced News Blog. Well as of this morning, they have a very scary picture of Wesley Snipes. I'm trying to figure out who he looks like. He's completely bald and sporting a goatee that looks like he may be Wesley's Evil Twin (just like Mr. Spock in the Star Trek mirror universe). Who is that? I think Wesley thinks that he looks a little like Malcolm X. Except Malcolm didn't go for the shaved head look to my knowledge, but I have seen a few pictures where he's sporting the chin soup.
But really, the best way to read the Balanced News Blog is first to go to Google. Type in the term Mirror Universe Goatee. I'd link to it, but The Man won't let me. Get over it. Sometimes you have to work for good things to come to you. I know, that's what she said. Yes, I realize I've made you go to Google twice. I'm sorry, this time it's really worth it. Not like that Dan Blocker Spanking snipe hunt I sent you on earlier. Anyway, follow the instructions, slap that puppy on and enjoy reading balanced news from around the globe.
Okay, I feel sorry for you. I'll give the link in the next post. Take that, The Man. You can't stop me, you can only hope to contain me. Wow, can you tell it's Friday or what?
Have a good weekend, kids.