Thursday, April 10, 2008

Love Potion #9

I have to admit that despite my admiration of geekiness (like dragon mailboxes), I really get hot and bothered by looking at the web sadistics for Flack & Proud. I'm not sure why. It's not like I care about traffic. If people read this fine, if not, meh. I've always said the jokes are just for me.

Sure, I'm a comment whore, but that's really just to further the silliness that goes on here.

So when I took my Love Potion #9 and was on Needles & Pins to look through all the things people searched for and found this stupid blog by mistake, I was amazed.

Dan Blocker and Spanking

Yes, that's my absolute favorite term. First, try to get your head around the fact that someone is actually looking for something related to Dan Blocker and spanking. Yes, Dan Blocker, the guy who played Hoss on Bonanza. I'm pretty sure I don't want to know what they were expecting to find here.

But because I understand a bit how search engines work, if I keep using the term "Dan Blocker and spanking," that'll keep my site far up the results of anyone who searches for that. Granted, the audience for content related to Dan Blocker and spanking is probably pretty small. But for whomever that sick, twisted, pre-vert is, this Dan Blocker and spanking site is going to drive him crazy. And probably get his keyboard a little, umm, stick as he (or maybe she) thinks about Dan Blocker and spanking. Reading about Dan Blocker and spanking. Waiting for me to quit just using the term Dan Blocker and spanking over and over and get to some really twisted content about Dan Blocker and Spanking.

And if you've got a site about Dan Blocker and Spanking. You've absolutely got to link to me. That'll help piss off the twisted ones too.

I just wish I could find a picture of Dan Blocker getting spanked. Okay, that's a little disturbing.

Signs He Like Me

The top search term that people use and actually come here with is Signs he like me. Yes, it doesn't even have proper subject verb agreement. Now I like to think that my small, dedicated and disturbed audience is a bit smarter than the average bear. They would carefully evaluate things like Nigerian Princes needing personal information or penis enlargement with a pill or natural acne treatment or magic beans. So that most people who find my site can't even string a natural search term together, it makes me a little worried.

I think Signs He Like Me is a reference to the Unsolicited Advice for Women series that I used to do. And I think it's because of the post Reading the Signs. Now I will admit to being exceptionally clueless about when a girl liked me. Unless she actually rubbed her breasts against me, I usually couldn't tell if I was on the outs (or the ins) with a girl. But that doesn't (or didn't) keep me from popping off to the ladies about when a boy liked them. Because I had been there. The shy looks in the hall. The carefully planned out route and timing to "accidentally" run into her. The invented excuses to ask her a really feeble question. Of course that was before I found my mojo and realized all you needed to do was go with, "You dig me, right?"

And The Rest

But there's also some other sick and twisted stuff going on for people to find Flack & Proud. I don't know why people are using the interwebs to find sick and twisted stuff. How long has this been going on? I don't want to belabor you with this, but seriously, someone is actually typing this stuff into their keyboard (probably a sticky keyboard) and coming here. Be afraid, be very afraid.

Other random terms [and my snarky comments about them]
  • nude butler [my first job out of college]
  • bulldyke heaven [also known as the Dinah Shore golf tournament]
  • erotic reindeer (actually I think that would be a great name for a rock and roll band)
  • golf themed pee pee targets [Pee pee? That's what we're calling it now?]
  • hairy armpit women pictures [Aren't those widely available?]
  • how do I know if an indian man likes me [He brings you homemade curry in a hurry]
  • weird 3sum [Larry King, Barbara Walters & Angie Dickinson]
  • will you arrested in the unted states if you pick a hitchhiker up [No, but it's a bad idea]
  • we'll always have paris ringtone [There's a ringtone? I always say this when I see the catcher talking with his pitcher on the mound. Or candlesticks are nice.]

That's it for twisted search terms. Feel free to suggest others and have a great weekend, kids. And I apologize for the random spaces. Still working out the growing pains with this new template. Mea culpa.


Anonymous said...

Google searches are scary business!

dunebuggy said...

Awesome post. I lost track how many times I laughed out loud. The hairy armpit pictures almost made me throw up a little though.

Is "spanking Dan Blocker" anything like choking a chicken?

And I wish I knew this a long time ago: "Unless she actually rubbed her breasts against me, I usually couldn't tell if I was on the outs (or the ins) with a girl."

Where were you, I mean, your blog when I was dating? (Oh, yeah, Al Gore hadn't invented the Interweb yet.)