The Cult Of Personali-T2ed

There’s been a lot about polygamy in the news lately. That’s what armed raids and tv cameras do for you. And I’m little surprised that with Texas cops, we didn’t get more gunplay. As a quick aside, I think all cops should have to wear cowboy hats when they do interviews. It just makes it easier to tell the good guys from the bad guys. And if they raid an Indian casino, that would be great. But because the Beehive State has a, let us say, slightly unique view on polygamy, I can’t keep my piehole shut no longer.

Now the kooks they raided in Eldorado are a franchise of the same guy they nabbed a couple years ago near Vegas. His name was Jeffs. He’s currently in the joint for a couple of 5 to lifes after he got caught in his SUV on the way to Vegas thanks to the technological advances in vehicle tracking. Don’t you love it when I talk all prisony? I like that a cult has franchises. And apparently these particular loonies (not to be confused with the Canadian dollar) think that the best way to grow their “church” is through inseminating and not sermon-ating.

Now because I only have 1 wife, people in Utah think I’m strange. So I’m going to start my own church, The Cult of PersonaliT2ed. Cult may not sell well with the squares so I’ll probably have to go with something a little sneakier to get the dough of the rubes who fall for this. How ‘bout The Baptists? That’s taken?! Who knew?

Okay, time for Plan B from Outer Space. I think we’ll go with the Church of Righteous Angelical Paterfamilias. Our beliefs are that you can only achieve eternal salvation by bestowing large amounts of money to me the Church. To help people in that regard, we’ll have continuous bingo, keno, monte carlo nights and raffles at the Temple. And our Church will be righteous in it’s nature and unconfineable in its majesty. No building can hold the power of the Paterfamilias. We will often be found worshiping early on as many mornings as possible in wide open spaces as we drive Satan from the earth and curse him loudly. Whenever I start talking like that, I hear Samuel L. Jackson in my head.

We also believe that intoxicating liquors are the work of the Ole Man Debil. To protect our brethren, we shall take all such substances unto ourselves and forbid the flock from consumption and require that they consecrate our Holy Monday Services with their harvest.


Where the Church of Righteous Angelical Paterfamilias is different from most religions is in their treatment of women. While a lot of churches view the role of women to be solely that of procreators, we believe women are much more than that. They will the the shining beacon of what humankind can become: caregiver, nurturer, entertainer, health inspector, maid. We will not put women on a pedestal. Nay, it shall be a stage and they will let their praise wash over us. And their gyrations and white boots and spinning tassles shall show their rapture.


What I don't get is why the men want multiple wives. Sure it sounds like a great plan--a different woman every night. But you know that the other wives are going to be sitting around talking about you. And do you think that discussion will be about how much they miss you? Plus, I can't imagine what the phone and credit card bills would be like. Plus, if you have multiple wives, you get multiple mother in laws. Can you imagine what it's like to be told multiple times by multiple wives that it's time to take the garbage out? Or getting the old, "I'll bet you'd wash the dishes for your 15th wife."

I really don't understand why these wives go for it. I mean if someone invites you out for dinner and says, "We'll just be hanging out around the compound" warning bells should be going off in your head. Maybe they think he must be a good catch and a good provider because he's already providing for 9 other women.

Now I gotta go. I've got 12 wives who've timed their cycle, so I've got to pick up several gallons of chocolate ice cream and give a shiatload of foot massages tonight.