In that vein, here's a list of what I didn't say this week. Remember kids, I didn't actually say any of these things, I just thought them.
Do you have George Strait's new album? No, we don't carry shitty music.
I didn't read that because of my colonoscopy yesterday. Did they find your head?
Dear Lord, please hear our prayers... And grant me the limitless power to smite all those who oppose my every whim.
She just graduated from massage therapy school. And is looking forward to giving handjobs for a living now.
He's a real visionary. We don't know what he's supposed to be doing around here either.
I had another good idea. That will fuck up your project.
It's Law Enforcement Appreciation Night at the ballpark. These people will be pulling you over tonight after you have all those $8.50 beers.
Spiderman 2 was way better than Spiderman 3! Because I got to see man boobs that I still fantasize about when jacking it in my Spiderman pj's.
What superpower would you want? Either choking you with my mind like Darth Vader or just teleporting the hell away from here.
Is anyone sitting here? Just me and the Lord.
Our special today... Is some nasty stuff we couldn't give away yesterday.
Instead of emailing it, we're going to have it bound and Fedexed over. Because bad ideas are so much more palatable when attractively presented.
Where are we with that? No, I haven't finished your work yet.
He's acts out because of those violent videogames. Not because I'm a lousy parent.
I just can't decide what I want. Could you equivocate on the important Ice Cream Referendum somewhere other than the exact center of the aisle?
There are probably some others, but those voices in my head stutter and sometimes it's hard to remember what they said when they all talk at once.
Does anyone else have these kind of snarky voices in their head?