Riddle Me This

Because I've been thinking 'bout bidness so much lately, I've got some interview tips for you. Many, many tips. And the Blues is my bidness and bidness is good.

The best interviews are only about 50% likely to get a qualified candidate hired. And the worst interviews are about 35% accurate. So employers attach a huge amount of weight to what is essentially a flawed process.

Now having been both an interviewer and an interviewee (otherwise known as supplicant not applicant), we all know this is just a little dance. We're just trying to figure out if the two of us can show up for work sober every day and try not to kill each other because of our annoying little habits. Oh, and determine if the other one is a pathological liar.

So I've been asked all of these questions and probably asked them all as well. But here's the answers I'd really like to get someday.

1. What's your biggest weakness?

Punctuality. Somedays I dream I wake up and take a shower and get dressed and go to work. Then the snooze alarm goes off.

2. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

With any luck laid up at home with a lucrative worker's compensation claim. But I'd settle for a spurious sexual harassment suit.

3. What's your greatest strength?

Kissing ass. I'm prepared to answer every question with either "Great idea, Boss" or "And you're a damn handsome man, Sir."

4. What would you bring to our company?

A history of emotional baggage that will make approaching me every morning a gamble. And pinkeye and my imaginary friend Maynard.

5. What do you like least about your current job?

People who ask a lot of questions.

6. What is your biggest accomplishment?

Barely masking my contempt for the empty headed fucks who walk around here in a suit and tie and act like they work all day when all they do is sit in meetings and go harrumph.

7. What was your worst mistake?

Not having the hole dug before I headed out into the desert. And forgetting to put the new cover sheet on my TPS reports.

8. What are you looking for in an employer?

A steady check, a supervisor who doesn't check up on me and an easily duped expense reporting program.

9. Are you a leader?

I micromanage everyone with the iron fist of a petty tyrant. I make Castro look like the PTA President. I encourage everyone to complete the work I'm not doing. I also take all the credit for anything good that happens and blame the idiots you saddled me with if there is the slightest whiff of controversy.

10. Do you work well with a team?

As long as I can be in charge. Otherwise I'll backstab, question authority and count on the team to pick up my slack.