Monday, May 08, 2006

The Rules of Work

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

I may have missed a few other rules in that list. Feel free to submit your own.


Kate the Peon said...

I don't know, you were pretty thorough...

Elsa said...

You made me laugh out loud!!! Those are very good. You should start circulating them via email. I bet they would make it from coast to coast pretty quickly.

t2ed said...

Email? I'm not familiar with this "email" of which you speak.

It's all about the blog, Elsa.

I'm also fond of a rule along the lines of Inactivity helps us come in under budget. I'm still working on that one though.

kris said...

Please don't hesitate to tell me about your latest gynecological visit. Loudly. With the door open.

With hand gestures.

t2ed said...

And I can't believe I forgot this one:

Please tell me stories about your adorable children whom I've never met. The more detail the better. I need to know what activities your lil moppet is involved in, why he/she is special and the latest cute thing to happen. Is especially like when you start telling me these stories at 4:59 pm.