Penny Lane

Whilst my mind was still reeling from the most important news ever (and Chad, don't let the door hit you in the butt) on the drive in to work today, I couldn't help but notice the swell fire engine red Nissan Maxima next to me was drifting into my lane. Now as there are actually three lanes to choose from on this particular stretch of the highway to hell, I thought it odd that someone would suddenly choose my lane for their fine driving experience.

So I glanced over at my colleague in commuting and noticed that she appeared to be both texting on her Zeno and putting on mascara. What's that? A Zeno isn't a portable communications device, it's an acne treatment? I thought Zeno was just some crummy philosopher, so what do I know. Stupid liberal arts degree.

Anyhoo, because I noticed my fellow driver seemed somewhat distracted by her multi-tasking, I gave a friendly little toot of my horn to alert her to the impending predicament. Immediately realizing how helpful I was being, she responded by leaving my lane and the close proximity to my vehicle and veered across her lane and narrowly avoided a brush with disaster on the other side of her car. In all the impending excitement, I believe she may have even dropped her Zeno and mascara brush.

Because we were luckily soon stopped at the very next light (because the helpful people at UDOT like to make sure we have all the latest technology so that we never miss the opportunity to sight see at the latest flora and fauna development at every possible stop light on our commute), we all could collect our breath and have a hearty chuckle at our collective experiences which only made us enjoy every precious moment of life even more. Luckily, I love the wind in my hair so I had all my windows down and my fellow commuter could see me shaking my head back and forth as I had so greatly enjoyed our adventure together.

She must have been really having trouble finding that mascara brush she dropped as she responded by giving me the finger. Now this is not a gesture I am unfamiliar with as Michigan drivers are also very expressive. But as I had been driving in my lane only and not attempting to use two lanes where clearly one would suffice, I may have responded by yelling back at my fellow driver. Kids, don't try this at home. Because I have been trained in media relations and understand communications theory, I know the right thing to say to put fellow drivers at ease. Unfortunately, this was a morning commute and I wasn't fully engaged to respond with the appropriate amount of tonguefoolery to which you and I are typically accustomed.

Instead, I yelled out the first thing that came to mind:

"Sweet Baby Jesus loves you!"

My fellow driver was so stunned by this expression of love that she merely waved and smiled instead of pulling the gun which she surely had in her glove compartment.

And that's the moral of our story, kids. Just act like a crazy person and others will leave you the hell alone. As I soon have a plane ride in my future, I look forward to responding to the inquiry whether anyone is sitting here with the phrase, "Just me and the Lord."

Drive safe. And try to stay in your lane on the way home.