Thursday, June 15, 2006

Can I Have Extra Cheese, Pizza Protector?

If you think we don't have any heroes anymore, you're wrong. Cameron Evans is officially a galactic superhero.

Sure he may look like a mild-manned pizza delivery guy who is forced to dress up in a stupid outfit to deliver pies for the evil overlords who run Galactic Pizza.

He may look like an average citizen who just happens to be stuck wearing a beige leotard, tights, boots and a cape. But he's not. He actually foiled a cowardly criminal's attempted purse swiping.

Sure he needed two other citizens to help him. And the criminal got away. And Cameron revealed his secret identity. That doesn't make it any less super.

If Cameron does this again he might want to think about the purse snatcher being armed. Or bigger than him. Or not being dressed in a fey-looking cape. But it's super goddammit!

So I've dubbed Cameron as Pizza Protector. Unfortunately, this sounds a bit like he's that plastic, lifter thing with three legs they put in the middle of your pizza so the box top doesn't get cheese all over the it. So I'm open to suggestions as to better names.

But you just knew I'd be all about the powers, didn't you? Here are the powers Pizza Protector (or whatever he'll eventually be known as) would have to have:
  • Makes change instantly
  • Magically adds or removes toppings from order mistakes
  • Speeding
  • Bad skin
  • Time Travel (to make up for slow delivery times, getting lost and getting baked)
  • Flight (for when his car gets stolen)
  • Pepperoni grease proof supersuit
  • Minty fresh breath impervious to anchovy smells
  • Inability to get laid
  • Underpaid
  • Super Surliness
  • Able to inflict Soggy Crust Curse on bad tippers
  • Mental telepathy allows him to deliver pizza before you actually order it

Feel free to add any, kids.

4 comments:

Elsa said...

Don't forget, he would have to drive in a Pizzamobile. Maybe the anchovies can be the fins on the car. Maybe decorate it with pepperonis. And the trunk would be heated so that the pizzas would stay warm.

t2ed said...

You're right, elsa. He'd need a swell hoopy ride ala the Batmobile.

Quick, to the Pizzamobile!

Eric said...

If you think they're interesting, check out Pizza Fusion - www.pizzafusion.com. Pizza Fusion is a new organic, eco-friendly pizza franchise based out of Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Their motto is 'Saving the Earth, One Pizza at a Time' and they deliver their food in company owned hybrid vehicles, among many other environmental initiatives.

Cincinnati said...

I don't know if it's still there, but there used to be a pizza chain in Illinois called Garcia's Pizza, Home of the Flying Tomato Brothers. They're delivery cars were red Pacers with green tomato tops on them. I used to think they were soo cool (I was 10).