Wednesday, June 21, 2006

What's the Matter with Kids Today?

Wife and I can't have children. Because we loathe them.

Now I'm sure your precocious little moppet is a ray of sunshine onto every day. I must just keep running into the wrong, surly youths who I so enjoy loving to torment.

These are things I've actually done to torment the kids of both friends and strangers. If your precious angel was caught in the crossfire, I apologize. As far as you know.

  • When seeing a kid whining for candy in the checkout aisle, I always grab the biggest candy bar I can find and loudly proclaim: "This is going to be so good for dinner."
  • In the toy aisle at Target when a young boy is lovingly looking at some piece of plastic I'll advise, "If my Mom wouldn't buy that for me I'd just yell and yell and yell until she bought it."
  • Seeing that same kid later now looking at a toy gun I said, "With a gun like that I could shoot my sister right in the eye."
  • At kid-infested parts of Disneyworld one of my new tricks is to yell, "Hey, there's Mickey!" and see how many tots I can give whiplash.
  • When accosted by a gaggle of kids, I declaim, "I'm going to stay up past my bedtime and watch tv until midnight!"
  • When our friends' lil tot won't go to bed and is being cranky, I wave my hands like a bad hypnotist from the 50's and yell "SLEEP" to try to put her in a trance. She just laughs but someday that's got to work.
  • I tell kids that anything they don't want to eat can easily be hidden in their pockets.
  • When I see a parent yelling at some kid I always whisper just loud enough for them to hear, "Leave home, kid."

I don't know why I like tormenting them so. I can't help it. It's so fun. I blame Uncle Shelby for making me this way.

One of the funniest signs I have ever seen was on the marqee at Dairy Queen. It said "SCREAM UNTIL DADDY STOPS THE CAR." I swear, it's true.


kitkat said...

Was there really a sign that said that? My god. I loathe children for the most part, but now that hubby's home from deployment, I'm worried that karma's going to get a really friggin' horrible sense of humor.

Iwanski said...


Elsa said...

I'm going to print this post and put it in my purse so that I can refer to it next time I see some kids :-)

I'm with you - never wanted kids, never had kids, will never have kids.

Spinning Girl said...

Now that's good stuff.

Conrad Birdie said...

What's sad is I can recite the entire lyrics from that song. My sister was in the play when I was in 8th grade. I think I saw every performance, and then of course the movie with Ann Margaret and Paul Lind played her father. He sings the song in the movie.