What's the Matter with Kids Today?

Wife and I can't have children. Because we loathe them.

Now I'm sure your precocious little moppet is a ray of sunshine onto every day. I must just keep running into the wrong, surly youths who I so enjoy loving to torment.

These are things I've actually done to torment the kids of both friends and strangers. If your precious angel was caught in the crossfire, I apologize. As far as you know.

• When seeing a kid whining for candy in the checkout aisle, I always grab the biggest candy bar I can find and loudly proclaim: "This is going to be so good for dinner."
• In the toy aisle at Target when a young boy is lovingly looking at some piece of plastic I'll advise, "If my Mom wouldn't buy that for me I'd just yell and yell and yell until she bought it."
• Seeing that same kid later now looking at a toy gun I said, "With a gun like that I could shoot my sister right in the eye."
• At kid-infested parts of Disneyworld one of my new tricks is to yell, "Hey, there's Mickey!" and see how many tots I can give whiplash.
• When accosted by a gaggle of kids, I declaim, "I'm going to stay up past my bedtime and watch tv until midnight!"
• When our friends' lil tot won't go to bed and is being cranky, I wave my hands like a bad hypnotist from the 50's and yell "SLEEP" to try to put her in a trance. She just laughs but someday that's got to work.
• I tell kids that anything they don't want to eat can easily be hidden in their pockets.
• When I see a parent yelling at some kid I always whisper just loud enough for them to hear, "Leave home, kid."

I don't know why I like tormenting them so. I can't help it. It's so fun. I blame Uncle Shelby for making me this way.

One of the funniest signs I have ever seen was on the marqee at Dairy Queen. It said "SCREAM UNTIL DADDY STOPS THE CAR." I swear, it's true.