Thursday, March 26, 2009

If I Had a Hammer

Okay, I've gone back and forth on this one for a while now. If this is too much, I apologize in advance and throw myself upon the mercy of the interwebs.

In Maryland, a woman was injured when the power tool her husband was using on her cut through an attached marital aid. I'm already turtling from this story. I can only imagine how the women are squirming.

Okay, there's a lot going on here. So let's take it slowly. Say like just 100 rpm. Ha.

Apparently a couple had decided to spice things up a bit. With a power tool. Consensually. Wow. Okay, okay, I'm not judging. And while there's nothing in the story to indicate it, I'm willing to be that alcohol was involved prior to this decision being made.

Anyway, Bob Villa attaches the aid to a reciprocating saw (that swell tool picture up there) and begins to use it on his wife. If you've never had to use a reciprocating saw, the blade goes back and forth to cut through material. You can probably guess where he begins to use it. That's right. In the bedroom.

Unfortunately, the saw blade eventually cuts through the plastic attachment material and begins to cut his wife. I've seen a magician cut a woman in half before, but never the long way. Do you think he said "Ta Da" when he was done?

Now I've been next to some loud people having sex at a hotel, but at least they never broke out the industrial equipment. Because that kind of noise would probably not get you a free stay at hotel from the management.

But everything has a happy ending. While the injuries were serious enough that the woman had to be airlifted to a hospital for emergency surgery, she's never going to lose an argument with her husband for the rest of her life. Because when you've got the "How 'bout that time you sawed my hoo haw in half?" line in your back pocket, the garbage gets taken out without discussion.

Kids, don't use power tools on each other. No matter how good an idea it may seem at the time. Just cuddle more. It'll be better in the long run for everyone.


Anonymous said...

I'm not so sure about the argument thing. I mean, something tells me this wasn't all his idea. And how bad does your sex life have to be for you to consider power tools? Had they run out of other ideas?

foundinidaho said...

Wow. Just wow.

t2ed said...

It was definitely consensual.

But there's still something seriously wrong here.

Roxrocks said...

This might give you the willies, but when I heard this story, I thought of you. Cuz I knew you wuz gonna bring it up! LOL!

She deserves the Darwin award for sure. She'll have to pick up her award after her cootchie heals though. Ow!