Friday, March 27, 2009

Bicycle Race

I hope by now you're taking the Animal Conspiracy seriously. Tim Bedore has been warning you for years.

Because now they're trying to take out our means of communications.

That's right, the animals have gone on the offensive again. This time a deer took out Matt Lauer while he was riding his bike in the Hamptons.

There are deer in the Hamptons? Probably a mole. Well not a real mole. You know. A deer spy under deep cover and just waiting for activation.

Now I've never been attacked by any animals whilst peddling my velocipede. But if that ever happens, I'd probably need one of those steam cleaners to get the stains out of my shorts.

Some people don't believe the animals are against us. Why, these naysayers say, would animals be attacking us. It's simple. They hate us. They envy our chlorinated pools, warm homes, fast cars, malt beverages and comfort-inducing iPods.

Squirrels provide the recon, bears are the tanks and deer are the kamikaze pilots of the Animal Conspiracy. Luckily the dogs are on our side. But don't trust your cats. Skip feeding them for a weekend and they'll be gnawing on your carcass come Monday.

Luckily, Matt escaped with only a separated shoulder. But don't think you're safe, Matt. You're a high profile target in the Species Wars. If they can take out you, it'll send a message to the rest of us and demoralize our morale. It's only a matter of time before they try again. So next time you go biking, lay off the spandex and try wearing some protective kevlar instead.

Be safe out there, kids. Keep you head down, your bum up and your eyes peeled. Because a squirrel probably has you under surveillance right now.


[F]oxymoron said...

I recently read an article in the New York Times discussing this sort of threat... apparently the Dep't of Homeland Security has put together a task force to handle this emerging threat.

Don't Worry Citizens of America!

Roxrocks said...

I hauled wood in today and because of the rogue moose hanging out in my yard lately, I brought the cat with me. I figured if nothing else, I could throw the cat at him and maybe he'd get a couple of talons in his eye.

I have to add, I was moving like a mofo too. I must have lost a half a pound! :)

foundinidaho said...

And, they have hooks. My cat has proof.

Anonymous said...

Chipmunks are clearly the infantry. They're always the first to go.