Thursday, July 31, 2008

My Brett Favre's Back And You're Gonna Be In Trouble

Bless you, Brett. Thank goodness you're here to provide the needed media distraction from the grind that is summer and endless highlights of the Sox and the Yankees. Because those are the onliest two teams in America. And when they win, America wins. Except when they play each other because then America only ties.

But if only I could get more information about Brett. I know he's unretired now because apparently he can't make up his mind just like that date who wasn't sure if she wanted to be friends, have a relationship or just get drunk and have sex with you. Sometimes all in the same night. Or even the same conversation.

And the ESPN ticker crawl isn't enough. Sure, it's fine to see FAVRE roll across the bottom of your screen along with a few words from someone tangentially related to someone who might know an actual fact, but that's not enough.

What? HE FAXED A LETTER TO THE NFL. OMG. How about a copy of the letter? Who got the letter? Did he call Roger Goodell and say, wait by the fax machine for me? No, it's not that cartoon. It's a letter. Why can't we actually see the letter? Did he hand print it? OMG, I'll bet Brett Favre writes in calligraphy just like a monk.

Brett is so talented he not only throws interceptions in overtime of playoff games, but he can also act, use the fax machine, waffle on career decisions, and balance the federal budget in his head.

Why can't we just have a Brett Favre tv channel? I'm sure there's going to be some cameras left over from the Olympics events we don't watch. You know, the ones the Americans stink at. Like Ping Pong. Sorry, table tennis. Like we're going to beat the Chinese at Ping Pong in China. Yeah, right. Who wants to watch that baby seal clubbing? So just take all those cameras and follow Brett Favre around ALL THE TIME. This would be great. I'd bet we learned all sorts of things about Brett we didn't know.

You knew we eventually would get here, didn't you?

Top Ten Unknown Facts About Brett Favre

10) Born in a manger

9) Diet consists solely of food cooked at tailgate parties

8) Has a big, blue ox named Babe

7) Is the Joker's arch nemesis and keeps Kiln, Mississippi safe from crime

6) Infertile women in Wisconsin who wear Brett's jersey during games have actually become pregnant

5) Speaks 4 languages: NFL babblespeak, English, Sanskrit and Spanish

4) Has a restraining order against John Madden

3) Once called Vince Lombardi a pussy

2) Refused to become Governor of Wisconsin saying "I will not run. I only pass"

1) Was the creative inspiration for Buckaroo Banzai

But maybe, if the Packers have to release Brett, we'll see the best thing ever. Him in a Lions jersey. Be still my beating heart.


John Smallberries said...

You know you're dating yourself by bringing up buckaroo bonzai. I didn't know there was anyone still around who knew that movie.

Dani said...

I still don't understand why athletes do this... Ruin a perfectly good career by opening their damn mouffs.

Jeanna said...

As you know, I heart Brett. Loved this post, especially the manger part. hehe.

Reigning Frog said...

Unretirement worked so well for Michael Jordan...