Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The Power of Good-Bye

It's the latest rumor. No wait, it's not.

Whatever you choose to believe, thanks to some great intelligence from our Man on the Inside, we have the real scoop.

Top Ten Ways to Tell Your Marriage To Madonna Is Over

10) Your last gift from her? Swept Away DVD

9) No longer sending dirty pictures of herself to your cell phone

8) During your last game of Prisoner & the Warden's Wife, she left you in solitary confinement for 48 hours

7) Your autographed copy of Sex now has black bars over all of her naughty bits

6) Took back the Kaballah bracelet she gave you

5) Took back the Malawi orphan she gave you

4) No longer leaving gap-toothed hickeys on your inner thigh while you sleep

3) She TIVO's every movie with Warren Beatty

2) No longer affecting faux British accent, now affecting faux Spanish accent sounding suspiciously like your poolboy Ramon

1) Simulated concert sex scene with her gay backup dancer keeps getting longer and longer

And a couple of bonus reasons:

  • Won't get on the casting couch for a role in your latest underperforming movie
  • Her PR people call your PR people to issue a release denying that your marriage is over
  • Latest children's book is titled "Why Daddy is a Sumbitch"

Oh, Madge, we kid because we care. You're just as culturally relevant now as you were when you were writhing around on stage in a wedding dress and kissing female train wreck pop stars.

As far as you know.


Swistle said...


heartinhand said...

I was thisclose to making one of those creepy "LEAVE MADONNA ALONE" videos for YouTube, until I saw a snap of her on Perez Hilton. Why, oh why does she think it's okay to wear satin boxing shorts over capri length leggings with high heeled shoes?! WITH A BLOUSE! Oh Madonna, get a frigging stylist!

Dani said...

First Brad and Jen... and now this.

I've lost all hope in the sanctity of marriage.


Reigning Frog said...

Also, she makes you call her Esther.

kris said...

Number 11) She demands you use A rod during sex.


Skyzi said...