Big Brass Ones

Dear NFL Network:

Thank you for finally capitulating and letting us have the Patriots-Giants game this Saturday. Yes, it's a travesty that the mean, old cable operators won't let us have the NFL Network in our basic sports tier as you insist. And just because you only have 8, now 7 actual football games this year is no reason to diminish the value of the channel you provide. Since the NFL is so popular and successful, you certainly should have the right to tell other people how to run their business.

It's tough to know which side to hate more in this one: the greedheads at the NFL or the greedheads at the cable company. It's like if the Nazi's took on the Terrorists in a war. Who would you root for? Probably the Red Cross to do a really poor job on the wounded.

But seriously, guys. Taking out a full page ad in the USA Today today entitled NFL Network - Putting Fans First really takes some cojones. That's almost as good as Microsoft's popup blocker that I had to turn on to block all the Microsoft ads. Create a problem, then act like a hero when you solve it. That's marketing genius, kids.

If the NFL Notwork really wanted to put fans first, they wouldn't make us endure Bryant Gumbel's lame attempt at calling a game. Bryant Gumbel, a guy so hated even his mother and brother don't like him.

Come Together, Right Now

Okay, not exactly right now.

But tomorrow, Friday, at 6:08 GMT, you're supposed to have an orgasm. Yes, World Orgasm Day is supposed to "effect positive change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible instantaneous surge of human biological, mental and spiritual energy." Unfortunately, that's 1:08 for this soon to be ex Midwestern boy. I'm probably be stacking z's in my memory foam mattress unless the Wife and I can sneak in a nap.

Why do I think this is just a couple of horny frat boys? According to Fox News (and they're never wrong, Global Orgasm is the brain child of Donna Sheehan and Paul Reffell, co-founders of the anti-war organization Baring Witness, a group of activists who strip to make public peace displays with their naked bodies.

I guess I'm a little hazy about how being naked or having orgasms helps world peace. But let's not let a lot of facts or logic get in the way of a good publicity stunt. That was "stunt" by the way. Maybe you can't hold a gun if your hands are shaking?

And in case there's not enough pressure on reaching orgasm together, you've got to time it for a particular minute. Leave plenty of time for foreplay and cuddling afterwards in the dark, kids. Oh, and don't forget the guilt.

If I'm going to have a pick a movement, I'm getting behind the Swedish Women who are fighting for the right to go topless. Much like Lafayette helped the Americans during the Revolutionary War, it's time for us to send our topless women to Swedend to help our sisters-in-arms (and out of bra's) to find their freedom. Because if women aren't able to expose themselves at football matches, the terrorists have won.

Robot Elvis Lives

Because I was too lazy to put a link in it, people thought I was joking about Robot Elvis. And Sharper Image has marked it down! Can you believe that the Robot Elvis is a slow mover during the holiday time? Nothing says romance like a robot.

Watch this and tell me it doesn't freak you out.

And it's eventually going to turn on you and try to kill you if you don't feed it narcotics and peanut butter 'n nanner sandwiches every day. And can you use an air hose to slowly make him get fatter like he did in real life? It's going to be even better when I make him sing nothing but show tunes. Or Funkytown.

I'm going to loop that and play it on every LCD TV in my house constantly. Yes, it'll be Graceland West when I get to SLC, baby.

At least it's better than all that damn bell ringing.

And I wasn't kidding about the vibrating soap either.

Festivus for the Rest of Us

In between all the organ-removal procedures to get the new Shaque D'Amour, I've been doing very little Xmas shopping. No, that's not just because of the restraining order from the Salvation Army bell. And yesterday they had 2 ringers at the store. Curses.

But I do have some ideas for last minute holiday gifts.

1) Uruguay steaks: seriously, I had no idea steaks came from anywhere other than Omaha, but it's true. Every time you hear a chain saw start, someone in Uruguay is getting a steak. Oh, and they'll donate a box of steaks to the Daily Bread Food Bank if you enter "dailybread" when you check out. I'm not making this up. I just hope the Uruguayan Steak folks don't email me as much as the Omaha fools.

2) Robot Elvis: Only $250 at Sharper Image. If there's anything that says I have too much personal disposable income than an Elvis robot, I don't know what it is.

3) Vibrating Soap: This was gone in less than 2 weeks last year, so I'll have to get a bigger supply.

4) Joo-Ry: I don't know why but women-folk loves sparkly, shiny stuff as much as men like breasts. Don't try to figure it out, just go with it. And in the words of every porn star actress, "Oh, no. They can never be too big."

5) Fruit Cake: The ultimate Xmas prank. It's actually made just by wiping off everything on the counter into the cake batter. Bless you, Jim Gaffigan. Also doubles as a door stop or blunt instrument to assault your in-laws with for staying too long at the holidays. Only give this to people you hate.

6) Booze: Yes, the ultimate gift for people you don't really know but want to appear to be nice to. Nothing says thank you for not going postal on me or wiping you ass on my mail like a nice bottle of hooch for the mailman. Because he's barely got time to read all the mail much less deliver it.

7) Gift Cards: Really, you're confining me to one store? Just give me the cash instead. Yes, like joory, it can never be too big. You may also wish to drop into casual conversation that one time tax-free gifts of $12,500 are now permitted under the tax code when you're sharing that holiday prayer with your parents. That's both subtle and classy.

8) McDonald's Gift Certificates. This is even worse than the gift card. Make sure you write Loser in large red letters on the card. Do they still do the certificate? Or is it the Arch Card now to give the illusion you have a credit card?

9) Clothing: Seriously, don't do this for a man. You're giving us an errand. We're just going to return it and you can't ever get the credit applied to smokes or porn. Extra bonus points for the wrong size, wrong color and extra-itchiness. Not even close.

10) Anything from a gas station. Unfortunately not everyone has your discriminating palate for jalapeno turkey jerky.

Good luck kids. You'll need it.

Little Known Utah Facts

In my effort to acclimate to my new state (no, not inebriation, but Utah), I've been doing a lot of interweb research. And because I read it on the interwebs, you know it must be true. Here are the top 10 Little Known Facts About Utah.

10) If you only have one wife, people will think you are gay.
9) Utah was founded by two explorers, Utah Smith and Manhattan Young who misinterpreted a verse in the Old Testament and went to discover the colony of New Sodom.
8) Utah has a very diverse population and welcomes people of all colors be they white, pale, off-white or Irish.
7) The entire electric grid of Utah is so energy efficient that it can be run from one single lithium battery.
6) Utah's State Bird is the seagull (in Latin rattus wingus). The State Bird of Michigan remains the middle finger.
5) If you have eight wives, that means there are 8 separate "How was your day?" conversations each and every day.
4) Despite relentless news coverage hardly any miners have been killed in Utah. This week.
3) Despite overseeing the Winter Olympics which has such events as men's figure skating and the two-man luge, Mitt Romney is against gay marriage.
2) The University of Utah was the site of the first Jarvik-7 artificial heart surgery in retired dentist Barney Clark. The Jarvik-7 not only functions as a beating human heart but is also able to regulate the amount of Motown in your soul.
1) The largest open pit copper mine is in Utah. The only larger man-made cavity is Paris Hilton. This marvelous feat of engineering is only surpassed by the open pit mayonnaise mines located in Magna.

Westward Ho

Wife and I are back from our looking at shitty homes house hunting trip. We were successful in that we tricked a builder into giving us a newly built home in return for all of our money ever, several major organs and something about participating in a yearly ritual to keep the restless spirits of the Indian burial ground at peace. I really was so groggy at looking at so many houses that I really wasn't paying attention at that point. Luckily, because we will soon be in the West, we'll be able to quickly head to a Vegas hotel to win all the money back that we're having to shell out for the house.

I think the problem is that everyone is so friendly in Utah. And they're such good friends that they want you to be able to open your window and pass the potatoes to the house next door. Seriously, I've never seen such massive homes on such small lots. I hope my back neighbors are attractive as I'm going to be seeing a lot of them. They, one the other hand, aren't getting such a great deal. I can't wait to acquaint them with the quaint, Midwestern tradition of the pressed ham.

I did learn quite a bit about looking at houses. For example, if you have children, it is physically impossible to keep the house clean enough to show unless you put them in a dog kennel. Also, when you move out, you'll want to do a thorough cleaning job. Or you, just like my real estate agent, will use the following phrase:

"They certainly had kids. Because that's not just blood, that's nose-picking blood."

I'm not making that up. So when you're sitting on your sofa, think of all those tiny fingers putting their nose goblin collection on the wall behind it. And no, that's not the house we purchased.

Also, if you're undergoing the heartache of a divorce, throwing your wedding ring on the closet floor as you leave will not improve the resale value of your home. Judging my all the camouflage clothing in the house, he may not even know it's for sale yet.

Thanks for all the swell comments on my impending move to Utah. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that semi-strangers can sympathize with my plight and plans to turn Utah into a wretched hive of scum and villainy.

License to Thrill

There's a bit of breaking news in the Shaque D'Amour de T2ed. It's not a complete secret but I haven't really been broadcasting it either.

After 17 years with one single employer, the Wife has been offered a big job with another multi-national corporation. And we're leaving the Great Grey North and taking the advice of Horace Greeley. Let's see why. Murder capital of the US? Check. Double the national unemployment rate? Check. Pathetic football team who has the worst record in December in the last 10 years? Check. Yes, this Midwestern Boy is moving to....wait for it..... the Beehive State.

The adventure really starts this weekend. I'm winging my way westward for a bit of house hunting. And I don't even need a license. Be vewy, vewy quiet. I'm hunting houses. Just a piece of paper from people with whom I have a "very special relationship." And by "very special" (yes, please continue making those finger quotes in the air), I mean they want me to be indebted to them for the rest of my life.

I plan on walking into many many expensive houses and making snotty comments about the lack of Progress Lighting and the poor color schemes of every bathroom. I don't even know what Progress Lighting is, but I'm going to act like it's a deal breaker. And if I see anything in Avacado, I'm going to run screaming from the house. People only act like this because they've been getting abused while trying to sell their shack. It's time for payback, bitches.

So if I'm quiet next week, it means I can't get my Pop's Captain Caveman Computer to let me write any action-packed entries of my trip into the wild. I'm imagine my Pop's computer is like something from the Flintstones. You use a big wooden club to pound on a big rock with a letter on it to type. Oh, and the Caps Lock is apparently always on.

The best thing about this whole adventure? My parents actually live there. So I could be 42 and living in my parents' basement. Karma, like gravity, is a harsh mistress. At least I'll have kissed a girl this time.

I'll be sure to say hi to both Donny and Marie for you. For the record, he's neither rock and roll nor Motown in his soul.

Full Stop

I don't know why, but whenever Austin Powers is on tv, I absolutely have to stop until this scene is on:

My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Some times he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy, the sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical, summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds, pretty standard really. At the age of 12 I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen, a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum, it's breathtaking, I suggest you try it.

If that doesn't make you giggle, you need to find a tall, tall building. I'd like to see the kind of corporate performance management Dr. Evil would bring to the work place.

Do other people suffer from this affliction of having to stop for particular movie scenes or it just me?

Wreck the Malls

I'm not saying I know why that poor young man in Omaha, NE snapped yesterday. And if you have a loved one who was hurt, I apologize in advance. But I've got a brother there and a sister in law there and luckily they were both okay despite all the traffic congestion caused by the President. And I know I'm going to Hell anyway. While it's probably too soon, I'm going ahead with this anyway. Let the talking heads on the tv cables continue to natter.

It's just sad that someone had to completely snap to get the stores' attention. Because I knew those Xmas Carols were going to drive somebody nuts sooner or later.

You add a few hundred times hearing the Twelve Days of Christmas to those bell ringers outside of every store and it's only a matter of time.

I don't know when the Salvation Army took over. Seriously, I was in 4 stores today and there was a different person ringing that bell in front of every one of them. I already gave you sonsabitch Bumpuses 18 bags of clothes. Get that bell out of my face.

Did you ever notice how many different ways they can ring it? The soft little ting, ting, ting. Or the middling jingle, jingle, jingle. Or the really loud clang, clang, clang. And they can tell when you've got change and are just being pissy. I swear the last guy rang it right in my face.

And even if you yell "Merry Christmas" while you're slapping that bell out of their hand, they won't say "God bless us, everyone."

A little personal side note. I've been to both the Trolley Square mall in Salt Lake City (where the guy shot up the joint last year) and the Westroads mall in Omaha where yesterday's tragedy happened. If you see me shopping this holiday, you'd best have your flack jacket with you.

Now go make an elf. It's Wicked Funny and the reason Al Gore invented the interwebs for us. I like the one I did with all celebrity mugshots.

Just Plain Wrong

I can't help the way my mind works. There is no off position on the genius switch. Or maybe that's the crazy switch.

Now I don't approve of people who dress up their dogs. Dogs don't want clothing and I secretly think that the other dogs are making fun of them for wearing it. So when I saw this advert from the the Polo Peeps, I hated it. Come on, it's a sheep dog for crying out loud. He's already a hair ball and then you're throwing a shirt on him. If he had sweat glands, I bet he'd be perspiring under those hot photo shoot lights.

So of course this got me thinking. So I took the swell new free mock turtleneck I scored from Clothing4All.com and tried it out on my fashion model. I haven't even worn it yet because I won't wear clothes until they're washed and all the tags are cut out. I know -- crazy. Leave me alone.

Here's how my model did. I know grey isn't his color. He's just not a Winter.

I'm guessing that Clothing4All.com didn't realize what a big target demographic they had for pet clothing. It's going to be almost as big as tv for cats.
Guinness the Wonder Dog was amazingly patient during this hijink (the singular of hijinx). No animals were hurt in the production of this post. He was back up and licking himself in no time. But I fully expect to find a dookie in one of my shoes tonight.

Space Kitty

I'm not sure why I like this so much. Maybe it's all the egg nog talking after watching Rudy last night.

But this is the kind of "research" that would make a lot more kids study science if the lab work was like this. I only remember getting to play with a Slinky in my physics classes.

This is a lot more cool.






That kitty better get a life insurance quote. And how come they conveniently edited the best part of that vid out. You know, where the cat hooks on one of those scientists/pet abusers.


It's sad to see the ugly underbelly of our space program. But the cat does land on it's feet. Who knew?

Rudy in the Sky With Santa

The best Xmas special in the entire world is on tomorrow (Tuesday) at 8 pm (check local listings) on CBS. Of course, I'm talking about Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. This special is even older than me! And I'm too exhausted from throwing away all the detritus in my life to come up with an entirely new post.

Play along at home with your favorite beverage. When Rudolph's nose lights up, take a sip. Rudolph lights up and you're getting lit. You're going to hate seeing that damn Bumble again in the third act. I've seen this show a kajillion times and can actually recite most of the dialogue (much to the annoyance of anyone unfortunate enough to be watching it with me). So I have a deeper understanding and appreciation for the complex subplots and leitmotifs contained within the show. Don't let Rankin and Bass fool you, they're working on a whole other level here.

Despite being guised as a children's show, Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer is actually a recognition of the unending struggle of man versus nature. There are, however, many unresolved questions in the show.

• Sam the Snowman frequently displays omnipotence throughout his narration. Is he a manifestation of God?


• The prejudice against Rudolph's nose is clearly anti-Semitism. Rudolph's friend Fireball is obviously a reference to the Holocaust. Is the Santa character a Nazi or a representation of Satan and the evil within every man?


• Rudolph's cries of "I'm cude, I'm cuuuuude" represent the failure of the modern co-educational school system. Despite his superious flying skills, Rudolph is still ostracized by the other adolescent reindeer because of his infatuation with Clarisse. Note the prevalence of homo-erotic undertones throughout the reindeer games.


• Why doesn't Yukon Cornelius just use his gun to shoot the Bumble? It is entirely appropriate to yell at the tv, "Use your gun, Yukon Cornelius" throughout the entirety of the drama. Is Yukon's non-use of his gun an indictment of the War in Iraq?


• The elves' working condictions are representative of the outsourcing of labor outside of the United States. Should the elves unionize? Why are they denied dental benefits?


• All the elf women are identical. Is this an early indictment of cloning and stem cell research?


• Clarisse's eyelashes are clearly fake. How does she apply them when reindeer lack opposable thumbs?


• Mrs. Claus is trying to kill Santa through food and her frequent exhortations to "Eat, Papa, Eat!" Does no one really like a skinny Santa or is Mrs. Claus merely a representation of the gluttony and rampant consumerism of the modern holiday season?


• King Moonracer won't even consider non-misfits staying on the island. Does his monarchy represent the oppression of democracy or merely the gradual decay brought on by European feudalism?


• What's wrong with the Doll on the Island of Misfit Toys? Incontentinence? Psychological instability? Depression? Multiple personalities?


• Charlie in the Box is undoubtedly a reference to the Vietnam War. Is King Moonracer really a characicture of Lyndon Baines Johnson and expansionist Asian policies?


• Rudoph's Mother and Clarisse are initially denied helping search for Rudolph because as Donner explains, "This is man's work." Is the plight of women in Rudolph representative of the disenfranchisement of women in the entire Muslim culture or merely women in the American workplace?


• The worst snowstorm ever is clearly an indictment of global warming. Are reindeer a realistic replacement for fossil fuel consuming vehicles?


• Yukon Cornelius' quest for silver and/or gold represents man's exploitation and destruction of the environment. Does his failure in his search for depletable mineral resources represent man's losing battle with the environment or merely the resiliancy of the human spirit?


• This clearly isn't the first time Hermey has squealed like a pig. What happened in that cottage on the Island of Misfit Toys after Rudolph left and Hermey and Yukon were left in bed together?


• Hermey the Elf is obviously gay. Evidence of this is when he pulls the Bumble's teeth to allow for greater oral gratification. Is Hermey short for hermaphrodite?


• Yukon Cornelius also carries a whip. Do he and Hermey move to Vermont together after the show is over?


• When scaring the Bumble, Yukon Cornelius clearly inflicts a "low blow" to the Bumble's crotch. Is this further confirmation of Cornelius' infatuation with Hermey or merely evidence of the ends justifying the means?


• Rudolph's response of "Ready, Santa" is a celebration of individualism. Does diversity in nature really exist or is Man at fault for his encroachment upon the environment?


• Santa is depicted as no longer delivering toys but merely tossing them from his sled. This underscores the fallacy of throwing money at societal injustice and mocks LBJ's Great Society. How is fiscal irresponsibility in the federal government represented by the various misfit toys?

Have fun, kids! Remember to drink whenever Rudolph's nose lights up because that makes the intellectual discussions even better.