Westward Ho

Wife and I are back from our looking at shitty homes house hunting trip. We were successful in that we tricked a builder into giving us a newly built home in return for all of our money ever, several major organs and something about participating in a yearly ritual to keep the restless spirits of the Indian burial ground at peace. I really was so groggy at looking at so many houses that I really wasn't paying attention at that point. Luckily, because we will soon be in the West, we'll be able to quickly head to a Vegas hotel to win all the money back that we're having to shell out for the house.

I think the problem is that everyone is so friendly in Utah. And they're such good friends that they want you to be able to open your window and pass the potatoes to the house next door. Seriously, I've never seen such massive homes on such small lots. I hope my back neighbors are attractive as I'm going to be seeing a lot of them. They, one the other hand, aren't getting such a great deal. I can't wait to acquaint them with the quaint, Midwestern tradition of the pressed ham.

I did learn quite a bit about looking at houses. For example, if you have children, it is physically impossible to keep the house clean enough to show unless you put them in a dog kennel. Also, when you move out, you'll want to do a thorough cleaning job. Or you, just like my real estate agent, will use the following phrase:

"They certainly had kids. Because that's not just blood, that's nose-picking blood."

I'm not making that up. So when you're sitting on your sofa, think of all those tiny fingers putting their nose goblin collection on the wall behind it. And no, that's not the house we purchased.

Also, if you're undergoing the heartache of a divorce, throwing your wedding ring on the closet floor as you leave will not improve the resale value of your home. Judging my all the camouflage clothing in the house, he may not even know it's for sale yet.

Thanks for all the swell comments on my impending move to Utah. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that semi-strangers can sympathize with my plight and plans to turn Utah into a wretched hive of scum and villainy.