Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Westward Ho

Wife and I are back from our looking at shitty homes house hunting trip. We were successful in that we tricked a builder into giving us a newly built home in return for all of our money ever, several major organs and something about participating in a yearly ritual to keep the restless spirits of the Indian burial ground at peace. I really was so groggy at looking at so many houses that I really wasn't paying attention at that point. Luckily, because we will soon be in the West, we'll be able to quickly head to a Vegas hotel to win all the money back that we're having to shell out for the house.

I think the problem is that everyone is so friendly in Utah. And they're such good friends that they want you to be able to open your window and pass the potatoes to the house next door. Seriously, I've never seen such massive homes on such small lots. I hope my back neighbors are attractive as I'm going to be seeing a lot of them. They, one the other hand, aren't getting such a great deal. I can't wait to acquaint them with the quaint, Midwestern tradition of the pressed ham.

I did learn quite a bit about looking at houses. For example, if you have children, it is physically impossible to keep the house clean enough to show unless you put them in a dog kennel. Also, when you move out, you'll want to do a thorough cleaning job. Or you, just like my real estate agent, will use the following phrase:

"They certainly had kids. Because that's not just blood, that's nose-picking blood."

I'm not making that up. So when you're sitting on your sofa, think of all those tiny fingers putting their nose goblin collection on the wall behind it. And no, that's not the house we purchased.
Also, if you're undergoing the heartache of a divorce, throwing your wedding ring on the closet floor as you leave will not improve the resale value of your home. Judging my all the camouflage clothing in the house, he may not even know it's for sale yet.

Thanks for all the swell comments on my impending move to Utah. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy to know that semi-strangers can sympathize with my plight and plans to turn Utah into a wretched hive of scum and villainy.


Reigning Frog said...

There is NO WAY you're going to get good Buffalo wings in UT. But I think the chances of there being a bar called "The Bucking Buffalo" increase tremendously.

Congrats on the new house.

Jamie said...

Utah will never know what hit it.

Anonymous said...

The trend is to build houses very close to each other--it's cheaper. Plain and simple. I can feel your pain regarding the oddities of how other people live. I've been able to deduce that the previous owner of my house had just about stopped using electricity to light up her house (she used kerosene lamps), and she never, ever, cleaned. Weird people. One house we looked at had a little separate building with a hot tub (sweet!) and inside this little building was also a urinal (not so sweet).

Lillith said...

Can you convert Mormons to a life of scum and villainy??? :)


RoxRocks said...

I can't WAIT to read your Utah-based blogs! w00t!

I share your pain with the looking at houses stuff. Last year when we were looking (and simultaneously showing our immaculate house) we saw some bitter nightmares. None with "nosepicking blood" on them though.